Masturbation Connection – Keeping the Marriage Bed Pure

Masturbation Connection – The Bible is clear that husbands and wives are not to see their bodies – as merely their own. We have a God-honoring duty to serve each other sexually (1 Cor 7). With only a few exceptions, this is to be the regular pattern of married life. A husband and wife are to habitually fulfill each other sexually. This includes everything from emotional intimacy – all the way to orgasms.

The regular pattern is to engage physically with one’s spouse. Is this the only way to engage sexually? Does God expect military personnel and their spouses not to have any righteous sexual thoughts while apart? Or when job requirements separate for a time? Do we have a shut-off valve?

I am grateful for masturbation – when it is right.

I confess that prior to coming to faith, my masturbation was just an extension of the rest of my unbelieving life – all about me satisfying sinful lust.

I must also confess that I have used the good gift of masturbation in a sinful way more than I would like to admit since coming to faith in Christ. God’s Word and Spirit have given me self-control that gives me desire to want to please God in all areas of life – including my sex life. When I let my guard down and think of people I should not think of while masturbating – I confess it to the Lord and repent. I am grateful to God that masturbating in a sinful way is not the pattern of my new life in Christ.

Adultery is sexual activity between people – when at least one is married to another. Fornication is sexual activity between unmarried people. How are we married couples supposed to focus our masturbation thoughts righteously?

When is masturbation, Christian?

We are to masturbate to thoughts about our spouses.

The other morning, I masturbated in bed as my wife slept. She was not feeling her best – so I did not want to wake her for sex. I thought of her sucking my cock and grabbing both of my butt cheeks. As I fantasized, she was just feasting on my cock and going wild.

I was cupping my balls with my left hand and going to town on my shaft with my right hand. I didn’t have a towel – and I didn’t care. I had the most wonderfully powerful orgasm. I squirted huge amounts of cum on my t-shirt. It felt awesome. An hour later, when my beautiful wife awoke – I told her that I had had a huge orgasm. I showed her my still wet t-shirt.

Here is what I love about righteous masturbation: As I told her what I was thinking about when I was beating off – she immediately got a very ‘sexually naughty’ smile. She LOVED the pleasure she brought me – even through my fantasy of her. She was content in knowing that it was her mouth that was on my cock. It was her hands that grabbed my ass.

Yes, even without us physically coming together at that moment – we were the means of each other’s sexual satisfaction! I am contented in knowing that when my wife is playing with her cunt and boobs alone – that she is thinking about me. I also know (like me) that she isn’t always perfect in controlling her mind in this way. But, I know she lives to please the Lord – and is consistently successful in keeping her mind rightly focused on me.

I’m glad to know that our wonderful Savior forgives us – yet, still calls us to forsake our sin and follow Him. It is part of the battle against the sinful nature. Romans 6 clearly teaches that Christians are no longer slaves to sin.

By God’s grace, my wife and I have grown in our ability to masturbate to the glory of God. God grants us the fruit of self-control – as we acanthink of each other while masturbating.

Just as in Song of Solomon, when the man and the Shulamite were able to ponder each other’s bodies. They were certainly hot thoughts. They were almost married – but not yet. Their thoughts were about the righteousness of the sex they would have as covenant partners in marriage.

My wife and I do this very thing – fantasize about our sex together.

Almost all of what I fantasize about comports with the reality of what we do. Sometimes I think of having sex in places we’ve never had sex in. I often masturbate to the thought of watching my wife – as she is face down and going at it with her vibrator! She actually does this – so that fantasy is based on reality!

I also masturbate to the thoughts of my wife telling me to ‘fuck her harder’. Or, ‘to stick my finger in her ass’. Another favorite is when she is breathlessly telling me she is about to cum! I also love to think of her on top of me, making her boobs hit my face over and over again from side to side – as I feel her hard nipples hit my eyelids! I fantasize her standing in front of me and bent over – from behind, I see her pulling her pussy open wide…then her butt hole – all for my pleasure. I fantasize about cumming on her tits and face. I fantasize of her cumming while I’m licking her butt and fingering her pussy – or the other way around.

The great thing is that after 27 years of marriage – we have a huge “Greatest Hits” pool to draw from in our fantasizing. We’ve done so many different enjoyable things sexually – it is like a smorgasbord to choose which “song” I’ll masturbate to in my mind. The star is always to be my wife!! Our years of horniness has filled the hard-drive of our hearts and minds with wonderful sexual, orgasmic fantasies.

Even more, as I’ve said – these fantasies are based on our realities.

All of these things are realities I experience – and I draw on them at the moment I am playing with my dick. Because of my sexy wife – I do not need to think about other women! Nor does she need to think about other men.

So, when I tell my wife that I masturbated – I also tell her what I was thinking about, and what brought me to shoot my huge load of cum. And guess what? It usually puts us both in the mood to have sex real soon. The same is true when she tells me about what she was thinking of when she masturbated.

So, the masturbation connection does not hinder our oneness or sexual regularity. I can honestly say that my wife’s and my masturbation patterns enhance our lovemaking – and increase our frequency!

For this and more – I am thankful to the Lord who made us! He has equipped us to serve Him and each other with gladness.

From the Marriage Heat Team:  We feel this is an important teaching on Christian masturbation. In our opinion, the imagination has been so corrupted that Christians struggle with shame and guilt on this topic. Christian husbands and wives often do not talk about their fantasy life and masturbation is hidden and done in secret. We believe this article should prompt conversations in our Christian marriages. Thanks loving husband for giving this thoughtful article about masturbation.

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31 replies
  1. Gina G.
    Gina G. says:

    Awesome post lovinghusband! Thank you so much!
    Whenever I masturbate I generally always think of my sweet Ben. That being said I have often jilled off after reading an erotic novel or after reading stories that arouse me from MH. Often this is just to release the sexual tension, for the most part during these times I do not need to think of anything except achieving orgasm.
    As I have stated in my stories many times, I get hot and horny when I get to watch Ben beat off. Or when he tells me what he thought of while doing it. This often leads to a great fuck.
    As a matter of fact I came home from ladies Bible study last Wednesday and found Ben in bed beating his meat to pictures he has of me on his phone. Needless to say he got lucky that night!
    Thanks again and God bless you!

  2. youngheart
    youngheart says:

    Great points all the way around and something similar to what we’ve been starting to introduce in our marriage. Thank you for your thoughts on the importance of having couples connect in our sexual acts, whether they be together or alone.

  3. Steve & Annie
    Steve & Annie says:

    Totally agree with everyone!! Because of our busy schedules I will take care of myself in the shower sometimes. Annie knows it, but I haven’t told what I was thinking about. Will have to tell her next time in full detail!!! Thanks for sharing Blessings on you and your bride.
    Steve

  4. Kate1115
    Kate1115 says:

    I just found this site this morning and plan to read and learn more and wish that I had know about this sooner. January 12 2014 of this year, I caught my husband cheating and having several online affairs. We have 3 kids and go to church regularly, teach Sunday School regularly, and had sex regularly. He insists that he is never going back to that life he has led for 4 years. I am needing advice and some positive stories about marriage survival from infidelity. A counselor said some marriages can become stronger than ever but at this point, I don’t feel that can be true without trust. Of course there is always more to the story than here but if anyone can lead me to success stories somehow, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you and many blessings to you all. It is so inspiring to read so many happy long successful marriages today in the world of social media.

  5. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Dear Kate1115,

    I will pray for your marriage and family. I am glad you are in a church family. I hope there are wise, loving, counseling sisters and your pastor who can encourage you from God’s word. If you have confidence your husband has repented, it will take time to build trust again.

    By God’s grace, I have seen couples come back from affairs. Just to encourage you, I want you to know of a couple – where the man had an affair after they’d been married over 20 years. He repented and today I am amazed at how God has brought back their oneness. They are growing in Christ constantly, serving Him, and their marriage is a delight to behold! They trust each other – and have good accountability within their church.

    May God give you grace to persevere in this trial. I am so sorry for your pain!!

    Please continue to look to God! I hope you are able comfort your kids through this time. As they see that your faith in Christ is intact through all of this (if they even know about it) – you will be giving them a great gift. How? They will learn that God can sustain them through even the worst of times.

    I hope your husband means what he said! God bless you all!

  6. lovegood
    lovegood says:

    Kate1115, I will be praying for you and your marriage. Do not lose hope. Isaiah 40:31 says, “but those who hope in The Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”.

    Take strength in knowing That God is seeing you through this, and that you don’t have to travel this hard journey alone. My prayer for you is that you will let God take the worry and heart ache from you, and that you will find complete peace, hope, healing, and rest in His arms.

    God bless you and your marriage. I will be praying.

  7. Caveman
    Caveman says:

    Lovinghusband….great post. I think it is very real, honest assessment of the whole issue. I also think Biblical. There may be times that masturbation is sinful, but I don’t think in all cases. There may be times when it is the loving thing to do, but not always. In the end, we should all, with our mates, discuss this and come to the right approach. Obviously, our thoughts during the act are critical and how it affects the relations are also. The fantasies need to bring us to our spouse and the act must not take away from our desire or ability to meet our spouses desires. For Amanda and I, we call this the right of first refusal. If I have a need, I will first approach her with it and give her first right for receiving my sexual drive. We have per-agreed that in certain cases the other is free to masturbate. For example, long separations, the other is sick, that time of the month, etc. We also have agreed that we need to share with the other after. Like you said, this often leads to its own sexual rewards. For example, the other day I was feeling hot and approached Amanda. It just wasn’t the right time for her, but she encouraged me to “get off.” I decided to take a shower and meet my need. While in the shower, Amanda entered the room and said she just wanted to watch, being a part of it in that way. As I stood under the shower, running my hands over my body and pumping my manhood, she began to sensuously undress. She got as far as removing all of her clothes, except her panties by the time I was done. In the end, I shot a huge load on cum on the shower glass. It was a great experience. After, I asked her why she came in. She said she wanted to be there, even if she had limits as to how far she would go. She also said that it was hot to watch–especially the explosion of my large streams of cum. She also said that this visual is something she could file away and think of in the future when the roles were reversed. Masturbation, in this way, is just another sexual activity on our activities spectrum. We want this to be enjoyable, but also Biblical. We have agreed that masturbation can be Biblical if focused on loving managing the needs of each other while focusing our thoughts on the other.

  8. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    Dear Lovinghusband: Concerning masterbation. There is an unexpected plus to being 60 plus. It isn’t hard all of the time, like it used to be . . . just enough times to have good sex. Comes up when you need it and leaves you alone when you don’t. The same with the wife.
    God bless you.

  9. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Thank you Caveman! I like your continued thoughts on this. A couple that is engaging masturbation in ways that takes away their motivation to be together has taken a wrong term.

    I also agree that we need to be aware that we can use masturbation in sinful ways – and need to avoid that! All good gifts from God can be misused in sinful ways.

    I love the communication that you and Amanda have about your masturbation “ground rules.” I believe that always will serve you two well. The “right of first refusal” is an excellent way to put it. I’d love to see you write a story on that – showing us how you two use it in your lives. I think it could be an encouragement to other MH readers – who could use some better communication tips in this area. I can see the title now…”Caveman and Amanda’s Blessed Refusal Adventures”.

    I need to stop here…I need a shower!

    God’s blessings on your marriage!

  10. TNKarl
    TNKarl says:

    Kate1115, my wife and I survived an affair of hers and I fully agree with the counsel that “some marriages can become stronger than ever” and also with your feelings about trust. Trust is, and always will be key. Know that it can be rebuilt.

    So two pieces of advice from our experience:
    – Don’t make any rash decisions. This will take time but you have time. Marriage is crucially important and valuable, take the time to rebuild.
    – Hurting people have affairs. Yes, evil people do as well, but most affairs are caused by unresolved pains, fears, doubts, etc. This can be, and must be, dealt with. That’s what we did and we are so glad we did.

    We don’t believe God intended for an affair to rock our world, but we KNOW he used it to grow us in Him and towards each other. He has blessed us beyond measure and we are very involved in helping other couples build the marriages God wants them to have. The marriage God wants you and your husband to have.

    Seek Him as His daughter and also as Husband and Wife. Do the work that needs to be done and God will redeem. That’s what He always does.

  11. aa
    aa says:

    This website is brand new to me. I am very excited to see such passion devoted entirely to loving Christian marriage. Right now I enjoy articles on these subjects more than the stories as I begin to navigate this new subject matter. One immediate concern I have is for some of the language being used to describe these sexual desires, acts, etc. Again, this is new to me and I am trying to learn, but I guess I was hoping to find this subject matter being explored with slightly more conservative prose. Some of you may already be laughing and I hate feeling like a prude, but I enjoy the energy that is building up from a good story, and the creative writing used to do so, not some of the rather graphic terminology used to describe parts of ourselves that we are all aware of in loving christian marriages. I would like to explore some of this with my wife who would certainly be willing because I write her stories, but the level of some of the language is somewhat offensive. In Christ, we are called to lift one another up, which I am reading a lot about here, so please don’t take me the wrong way. I am just trying to educate myself and this is very new to me. Am I the only one who feels this way? Please respond, I would be thankful to hear all opinions!

  12. Caveman
    Caveman says:

    aa,
    Welcome. You can get a more definitive answer from those who manage the site. However, if you look under the about tab and then Biblical Sexuality you will see the guidelines. The usually mark a story with a “L” in the title if the language is more descriptive. For my marriage, we might use more “street language” in the heat of passion, but would never outside of the marriage bed. Each couple has to comes to terms with what is acceptable to them, within Biblical standards, and is therefore varied. However, I have found that the content is always uplifting, despite the language variety, of the the other spouse. For my part, I hope that helps. I’m sure you will here more from management if you need. I think you can send an email as well, but I have never done that.

  13. m in stl
    m in stl says:

    Understood from personal experience.
    Yet, the marital embrace is called to be forever, faithful, and fruitful; it needs to alway end with the man inside his wife.
    Part of me wishes to enjoy things always as you describe, and yet I know God wants every embrace to be fruitful, or at least open to it (regardless our age… just reference Abraham & Rebecca and Zechariah & Elizabeth).

  14. rocket
    rocket says:

    Kate1115, I suggest that in addition to any help you can get from counselors etc, the most important thing is to wait upon the Lord in prayer. Literally hours of meditating on the Word of God and prayer. Pray for a deep infilling of the Holy Spirit on you, your husband and children. Holy Spirit sanctifies, reconciles, heals inner hurts and blesses. Be assured of my prayers.

  15. elise65
    elise65 says:

    I have thought about this blog for awhile before responding to it. First, I want to say thank you to the writer for expressing his struggle at times with this. I appreciate his honesty AND his desire to bring all things in line with God’s design and in honor to his marriage covenant and wife. This has been such an area of pain in my own marriage. We are working on becoming more authentic and committed to each other, but one area that hurt the most and is in need of the greatest healing was the result of coming in to the dressing area of our bathroom and hearing my husband in the shower asking some imaginary woman if she could see how badly he wanted her and if she could hear him…I was devastated. All the body issues I had, all the exclusivity of our vows…just exploded in my heart. I felt like I was walking in on him having sex with someone else, because in his mind….he was!!. It devastated me. I confronted him on it, and he acted like it was no big deal because “it was someone he made up and didn’t know her in real life”..oh the lies we tell ourselves to justify our actions! He said he didn’t have a problem if I did it that way either. I told him that Jesus plainly said that to look on another woman to lust after her was adultery…He didn’t put the caveat in there about name and number and that neither His Lord or I could never justify it like that! He was able later to admit that it was wrong and has said he has not done it since..but you can imagine the trust rebuilding here? What hurts further is the fact that he never talks to me like that, even when in bed. I told him when we discussed it that I would LOVE to hear him want me like that, but he acts like telling me “I look nice” qualifies…well, it doesn’t, especially when that tape replays so quickly. I forgave him, but the consequences of sin do not go away like a magic eraser. Sin always reaps a bigger harvest than what you put in the ground! I I am convinced that his years of masturbating in the shower to some other woman (women) has taken its toll on my marriage. Now I know why for so long he didn’t have the energy or desire for me. I am praying for God, who restores double what the “locusts” of sin have devoured, to do what only God can do., but it hurts and is a continual thing to give over to God. I guess to summarize it…to do this act without righteous thoughts of your spouse is adultery. Plain and simple. BUT…to do it (when your spouse is not around/available) and let your spouse know how it was the marriage partner that was the object of desire is to honor your God and marriage. Satan loves nothing more than to keep us behind closed doors…running for fig leaves…instead of open and honest intimacy. I praise God for His never failing, forgiving love which is the hope and basis of my healing…but i got to tell you…if you are stuck in the sinful aspect of masturbation…please confess it, repent of it (see it through God’s and your spouses eyes), and understand that the enemy is wanting to steal from your marriage through this! Don’t let him! Enjoy the relationship that God has given you and guard it with all your heart! I have told my husband that if he is away from me, to call me and I will gladly “talk him through it!” I don’t want this to be a closed door to God and an open door to the enemy, and I pray you will do the same. God bless you all.

  16. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Elise, I never saw your reply until today. I’m so sorry for the pain you have gone through! I hope the Lord has worked in this situation that last couple of months. I will pray for you and your husband. Have you seen any signs of godly sorrow from him in regards to focusing on other women? I hope so! God bless you Elise!

  17. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Thank you Harper for your encouragement. I sure want to be a caring husband. My wife tells me that I am. I am (of course) very aware of my own shortcomings and selfishness – and am so glad for the Lord’s mercy and my wife’s, too. Harper, I’m so glad you are part of the MH family. God bless you and your husband!!

  18. CN
    CN says:

    My husband often mastrubates when am not around fantasizing about me he tells me most of the time how and what he did to me which sounds erotic … my q is he does role play sometimes imagining him nd I ….hope this is okay too…

    We both are realy horny nd ravage each other whenever we have sex unimaginable unthinkable stuff.

    I touch myself at times thinking about him when my body aches for him when it's not possible to have him nd I orgasm so hard nd fall asleep waking to guilt that I touched myself seeking the Lord to forgive me.

    Thanks for this post. I feel less guiltier now.

  19. CN
    CN says:

    I stumbled upon this website looking for reading erotic stuff online nd find this is the best place I've seen as it focuses on Christian marriages nd what a boon sex is. Thanks much for this website nd the idea of having it up!

    God bless all u folks!

  20. CN
    CN says:

    Ive never told him I touch myself (though he approves of it)
    coz of the guilt that I've sinned when he is away. I feel so guilty nd jus cry my heart out.

  21. Jenne
    Jenne says:

    Enjoy your orgasms. No guilt! MH is a great places to feed the woman's monogamous imagination. Your husband wins and you win and God is glofified.

  22. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Hi CN

    I'm so glad you found MH! I would think your husband would love knowing about your masturbation and orgasms! It will bring him joy and turn him on!

    It sounds like your thoughts have been about your husband while you have masturbated – that is awesome! Your unimaginable and unthinkable sex sounds so hot and exciting! So CN, enjoy it – and thank God. As long as your masturbation does not make you unavailable to your husband – no problem! Go for it!

    If you are interested – I wrote about the "My Erotic Top 5" thoughts I masturbate to in 5 different stories on MH. I think you would enjoy them – and they might stimulate your thinking more about what your "Top 5" are.

    I hope we can keep dialoging here if you find it helpful.

    God bless you CN!

    May your crying be from joy and not sorrow. And may your sleep after orgasms be peaceful! Welcome to MH. LH

  23. Andy Padden
    Andy Padden says:

    am so very horny. married for 47 years, and the last 15 years my wife has been suffering from MS. her nerve endings shut down and she cannot feel like she used to. meanwhile I have been trying to figure this out. I have been masturbating on my own and find it very enjoyable. But I have been trying to bring her in somehow. Am sure there is a godly way to bring this together. she is a wonderful person and very attractive, but our sexual desires and needs are far apart. Am hoping to figure this out. Am stroking my cock now as I think about her beautiful hairy pussy, and lovely ass,

  24. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Andy,

    God bless you – as you minister to your wife. May God grant you wisdom. Your horny thoughts about your wife – you have good reasons to be horny! I hope your orgasms were as satisfying as your sexy thoughts of her. I don't know – perhaps she would be pleased to know (at the right moment) how the thoughts of her – still rock your world. Blessings to you both. LH

  25. mature male
    mature male says:

    Thank you LH! I appreciate your reply, and look forward to giving my wife some pleasure too!

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