Marriage, Masturbation, and Purity Question

I was raised in a Christian home where anything sexual before marriage was wrong and a sin and extremely shameful. Now, I don’t necessarily disagree with this… But since my husband and I didn’t have a completely pure relationship  before marriage I think I still have some residual guilt about certain aspects of sex. So I just wanted to throw out this question and get some of your opinions. First of all, we are pretty young and have only been married and having sex for four years and we were both virgins on our wedding night so we don’t have much experience. But, we did a lot of touching and stuff before we made our vows and we both struggled with masturbation prior to our marriage. I know not everyone agrees that masturbation is a sinning against purity, but according to Romans 8:23 ” . . . you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.” (I know this passage is talking about near sacrificed to idols but I think the idea applies since I was taught that it was wrong and felt guilt every time I did it).

Now, we are in the supposed 20% of couples in which the lady desires sex more than the man. My husband is a wonderful man who I love very much and he loves me and in order to show him love sometimes I need to back off and give him space.

The problem comes when I am craving that physical release but he doesn’t have that desire. He tells me it doesn’t bother him at all if I go masturbate without him.  But my conscience feels guilty and I don’t know if I need to be applying the Romans verse or this verse I read today: 1John 3:20 “For if our heart condemns us, how much greater is God than our heart? And he knows all things.”

I know that I had to overcome the feeling that oral sex was wrong and now we really enjoy it. I don’t know if it’s harder to overcome just because I have a history of sin with it or if it is truly something I should not be doing.

Any thoughts or wisdom on the subject would be appreciated! Thank you to all of you sexy awesome believers keeping it real and hot to encourage others 🙂

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13 replies
  1. hapster says:

    If your mind is one your husband and the two of you together and your desires are for him while you masturbate, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Not that this site should be a substitute for scripture, but there are many, many contributors on this site who regularly masturbate for pleasure or release when their spouse is unavailable. As long as it is not taking away from your ability to satisfy your spouse’s needs and as long as it is not introducing thoughts of others, in my opinion you can rub away! I can tell you that as a husband I wish my wife would spend just a little time masturbating so that she could become more expressive and involved when we are together.

  2. Anon says:

    My belief: Masturbation before marriage is tricky when talking sin or not. My thought is God forgives you so why dwell on that?

    Regarding within marriage, it is only a sin if you are using it to replace sex with your spouse (in other words, you masturbate to avoid having sex).

    If he is not willing to provide the sexual release and has no issue with you taking care of things on your own, why feel guilty?

    My stronger personal belief is that even if he does not want sex, if you want/crave that release, he should be willing to accommodate you. He could do oral, manual, or use a toy on you. Paul points our that his body is yours for your sexual enjoyment, as is yours is for his. But I understand there is a thing as too much.

    Short answer: Don’t feel guilty.

  3. SouthernGent says:

    There is no biblical prohibition about masturbation and its useful for “managing your biology” when two married people have different frequency desires…often the case in marriage. It is also likely that he is doing the same thing. Just keep your thoughts focused on him when you have some fun.

  4. Blondie says:

    I think there is nothing wrong with masturbation if it’s focused on a fantasy with your spouse. I also think that with God and forgiveness, after you’ve asked sincere forgiveness for past transgression you are wiped clean. There is no need to feel guilty anymore, you are married and in love with your husband. What matters is what you are doing now 🙂 I’d also like to state Lovinghusband wrote an incredible article on Masturbation that you can find in the marriage sex blog category.

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Thanks for the kind endorsement Blondie! My appreciation for spouse focused masturbation continues to grow. It is a wonderful gift from God that just keeps on giving. After many years of mutual masturbation and private – our testimony is that it continues to motivate us for more sex together and not less. It has NEVER replaced our intimacy. Also, I know I say this from time to time – but thank you for all the energy you expend to make MH possible. I am so encouraged by the testimonies of those who have found this site and have found greater motivation for red hot monogamy! God’s continual blessings on you and your family.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Overcoming these preconceived notions about sex and masturbation can be difficult. Believe me, I have suffered the same anxieties. Trust these others who have posted. Used properly, masturbation is just an extention of your married sex life… enjoy!!!

  6. BabyRx21 says:

    Thank you so much for all of your kind and wise words. It has been an encouragement to me and set my spirit to rest a bit on this subject. I hope to continue hear more from you and learn more about this beautiful gift of sex God had granted us with our spouses.

  7. HornyHubby says:

    BabyRx21, I just finished writing out a reply with my thoughts. However, it was too long to put in the comment section so I will have to publish it as a blog entry. Please look for that entry in the next few days and read it to get my thoughts on this issue. Please comment there to let me know if it helps. I have a bit of a unique position on this issue so I’m curious to see how well it works. I look forward to hearing your thoughts as well as anyone else’s thoughts on the issue.

  8. HornyHubby says:

    Just letting you know, I submitted my response under the blog and heat wisdom section. I have titled it “Masturbation and Romans 14.” It should take a few days to publish but let me know what you think when it’s up there.

  9. ricki gerlach says:

    The Bible does teach us that in marriage, our body belongs to the other. The Bible also teaches us, that all things are acceptable and pure in GOD’S eyes, as long as it stays within the marriage bed. Therefore
    since you desire release more then your husband, and you masturbate and your husband knowing is pure in God’s eyes. .
    he should assist you, if possible, but this is me talking, not the Bible. My wife has a low sex drive, and I masturbate in bed, or the shower and she will normally watch me. There has been times she will get turned on watching me in bed, and tell me now it’s her turn and get on top. Maybe you could have him come and watch, might increase his libido and make love to you. Just a thought.

  10. Tony Conrad says:

    From a man's point of view purity is very important. Alas some of my endeavours happened before I was a christian but once a christian I instinctively knew that I shouldn't touch a woman. In weak moments my hand went to my you know what but I always knew I shouldn't and there was restraint there. I disagree with people saying go for it. You don't know what you are letting in outside of marriage. I could not do it without imagining someone of the opposite sex and in hindsight that was just plain lust in my heart. Save all your lust for marriage. God will give strength if you really want it.

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