Sex Today

Hello, my horny family I just want to ask everyone, as Christians, do we ever find it hard to live in a sex obsessed world and stay 60144_154482391241899_146100698746735_335758_6604666_nmonogamous?

1. In the media’s view of sex today it seems everyone is screwing everyone, so does that make anybody feel as if they are missing out in keeping it monogamous?

2. Do you married guys ever feel “trapped” to one woman like secular men claim you should?

3. Do you married gals ever feel trapped or pressured to live up to society’s expectations?

4. Do any of you ever feel pressure to have sex just because you know your spouse could get it elsewhere?

My husband and I talk about this, and we would like to know what other people think, please comment.

Marriage Heat Note: This is a question-type post about choosing faithfulness and talking about ways to encourage your monogamy in a promiscuous sexual culture. Take a moment to think, and answer with what has kept you monogamous, and whether or not you feel it is easier or harder to be monogamous in a world where a loose lifestyle is encouraged and seen as normal. How would you explain to the next generation why you think choosing monogamy is choosing a fulfilling sex life?

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47 replies
  1. Mr. and Mrs. Elvis says:

    If anything, I pity the people who feel all of these things like they are missing out, or trapped, or pressure to have sex because one’s spouse could get it elsewhere. In my mind people who feel this way haven’t found the person they are truly supposed to love yet because once I found James, I didn’t want anybody else and this sentiment has only deepened as time goes on. People who have sex without that deep emotional connection to their partner are the ones missing out, and I feel bad for them. Sex with the right person is so wonderful, powerful, and loving. Nothing can compare to it. As to media pressures. Heck yes I feel them. Everyday we are blasted with images (case in point Kim Kardashian) and I CERTAINLY look NOTHING like that. But what James is so awesome about is he knows how I feel, and does his best everyday to show me that he’d rather have me with my body than me with the body of a model. It’s hard, but somedays I actually believe him 😉 As Christians we need to pray for our hyper-sexualized world because we’ve been blessed to know the true love of a spouse in our sexual and non sexual aspects of life. We need to teach teens that sex isn’t bad or something to be scared of, but something wonderful that is made a million times better by sharing it with one special person. We need to teach our girls that it’s important to be healthy, but being a rail doesn’t automatically mean sexy. Rather confidence is the sexiest thing we own. We need to teach our boys to respect women, and that the images displayed before them every day aren’t reality, but reality is so much better.

    • Ritu Raj says:

      We are an Indian Christian couple married for14years with 2 boys aged 10 n 13. I’m crazy about my wife Ritu and aim to stay that way only till I die 🙂

      We were both virgins when we met and we are insanely monogamous n faithful to each other.

      We are both active members in our church and hopefully are role models of some sort to the youth.

      The thing is I’m crazy about sex with her and also crazy because I don’t seem to get enough of it 🙁 That’s onlybecuse of ourcrazy schedules.

      Love reading MH. Hope to contribute a story or two soon. I’m on a business tripn can’t wait to get home to my woman n taste her 😉
      Lots of love
      Raj

  2. hornyGG says:

    Great post Madeline my dear!

    In my opinion it all has to do with society moving away from the church. The country we live in today, society is trying to push God out. This makes me sad.

    They continue to try and push imorality, trying to make it a perfectly normal thing. You are correct, it’s everybody screw everybody and have a grand old time. The Bible says that sin has it’s season, but we must all answer for it when the Lord comes again.

    As Christians it is important that we instill in our children good Christian morals. We cannot give up on society. We must continue to spread God’s word. We can’t change the world over night, but we can at least try and make a difference. We will with God’s help and guideance.

    I personally do not feel I am missing a thing. I love Ben with all my being and I have total faith in the Lord. I cannot speak for Ben, but I know he feels the same way. I love being “trapped ” by the same man!

    This is why I believe so strongly in the message that MH is trying to promote. This is why I love this site. I believe that if we were all together in one place, Blondie and the rest of the MH team would get a resounding standing ovation. THANK YOU MARRIAGE HEAT! Keep up the great work, God bless each and everyone of you. If I could I would give each of you a great big hug!!!!

    Oh, and least I forget, STAY HORNY! Love ya Madeline! Thanks again!

  3. Lovinghusband says:

    Madeleine,

    I think these are good questions. I have been married almost 30 years and am glad to say the grace of God has kept me monogamous. For the most part, I have not been greatly tempted to go outside of our marriage. I must confess that there have been a couple of occasions when temptation knocked at my door and I did not like how weak I really was! There have been times when I have hypothetically wondered what I would do if certain totally anonymous situations ever were presented to me.

    So, I would say that in a few situations – I have found it to be hard – yet, those time passed and God’s grace was sufficient to keep me safe. I am ashamed to say that my heart was not pure during those moments. I did feel a certain pull that I wish I was more sanctified than that. I wish I did hate evil more than I do. I’m just be totally frank.

    1) For the most part, I have not felt like I’m missing out on anything. My wife has been wonderful.

    2) “Trapped” – the connotation I have from that word has me answering – no. With the exceptions mentioned above, I have been content. I would that to not be content would probably have a man or a woman feeling trapped. Again, I’m not saying I’ve not had brushes with temptations that make you consider other possible scenarios – but in the crucible of those moments, the greater realities of living for Christ rise to the top. So, my overall contentment does not mean I have not felt temptations about other women – but that has not been the rule, but a great exception. I am grateful for that. God has brought me through those times.

    3) Doesn’t apply to me. I would say my wife and I have talked at times about things she recognizes about other men. She went to a HS reunion in another state without me (I could not go). I know that she also must think through potentialities at times – but by God’s grace, we have stayed committed to one another.

    4) I would say no to this one. I know I don’t usually think like that. I would say our sex is motivated by love and loving horniness.

    I end by repeating – I wish I was more sanctified than I am. I am ashamed of the thoughts that I have many times. It shows that my love for Christ and the bride He gave me is not what it should be. I am grateful for His mercy and grace – and for the accountability He provides in the church. Even with our flaws and weaknesses – our vows do mean something to us!!

  4. Lovinghusband says:

    PS – I am encouraged by the monogamy I read about here on MH! I realize that there are seasons and trials in many marriages. We can believe in red hot monogamy – yet, go through seasons when we don’t experience the degree of red hotness that we would like. I think this site encourages us all to be committed to biblical monogamy – and to see the fruit of it in the lives of others. I count that as a blessing. Thanks again Madeleine! God bless you!

  5. TPC says:

    At age 42 and after 20 years of marriage, my perception is that American society focuses on the “sizzle” and pleasure of sex but totally avoids looking deeper about its power for good or for evil and the complex intimacy established between sexual partners.

    On the one hand I think it is very easy to be tempted to gravitate towards my selfish lustful desires. However by God’s grace He has used life experiences to shape our thinking. Both my dad and my stepdad cheated on my mom. The first when I was very young and the second when I was in college. Both men are nice guys and I have a good relationship with my dad. What I learned from this is that anyone can cheat if they are not intent and proactive about guarding their relationship. I think King David’s experience with Bathsheba reinforces this life lesson. Secondly, since my wife and I started dating in high school we dated for many years before getting married. We worked hard to remain pure before marriage. It was not easy. Thirdly, as a newly married couple I deployed to another country for almost a year.

    In all these experiences my wife and I have learned that the relationship we have is precious and vunerable and requires and lot of investment of time and energy and a willingness to live unselfishly. And yet the sizzle of selfish sex remains tempting. Thankfully my wife is generous with her body (my desire is a little higher than hers) and I have learned that if I strive to meet her non sexual needs first then the sexual connection comes more naturally.

    The Lord has blessed our marriage and I am very thankful.

    P.S. I am thankful that it is the weekend. The opportunity to enjoy my wife’s body in every way is very promising. As Marvin Gaye sings “Let’s get it on” because it is time for some “Sexual Healing”.

  6. Drew&Holly says:

    Speaking only for ourselves…

    1. We don’t feel like we are missing out by remaining monogamous. We are busy screwing each other. 🙂 Even in our first marriages, we didn’t really feel this way. However, when we first met, Holly was still married, and she did feel attracted to Drew. But her marriage commitment was paramount, so she kept those feelings to herself, and she didn’t express them until about 6 months after her first husband’s death. Though like Lovinghusband’s honest admission, she was not happy about feeling so weak. I found my strength in turning to God. It is one thing to have those feelings, but we both believe that God will help us in our desires to remain true to our spouses, especially in difficult situations.

    2. From Drew: I don’t. And I haven’t. I don’t think I am missing out on anything.

    3: From Holly: I used to when I was younger, but I’m over that now. I think that’s something that comes with maturity. I got in shape for myself and my own health, not because I felt pressured to, for example.

    4. We have sex because we love each other, not because we feel we have to. And to a certain degree, we want to keep each other happy at home because we believe that in doing so, we are reducing the power of outside temptation. We both work with many of the opposite sex, so temptation could be strong. But because we get plenty of loving at home – and not just sex, but loving, kind, and respectful treatment – neither of us feels that temptation. It is our mutual goal to keep it that way.

    Thanks for the thought-provoking questions!
    ~Drew & Holly

  7. Strawberry says:

    I am starting to actively promote this website. I am promoting it to churched and unchurched friends and workers. When I first joined marriage heat I was more secretive and maybe a little embarrassed. But I have come to see, the more I share the more I live our hot monogamy.

    So I have shared to many now! Many of them have been checking it out. For most it has evoked passion for monogamy. For some they have said things like, “wow, Christianity is cool on this subject.” For one couple, who are now members, it has restored their monogamy to heat again. The wife admitted to contemplating to looking elsewhere if things did not change.

    I am beginning to realize that I have a responsibility to become a more active encourager of marriage heat in all my relationship. I even told my pastor about it. He loved the site. This site is a big help to me to share.

    We believers have something very amazing designed by God to share with the world.

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Strawberry,

      I am encouraged by your MH sharing.

      I would love for you to write more about how people in your church are reacting? How close are you with the people you are sharing this with? Is there a certain profile that you tend to share MH with? Also, you pastor – did he give you any further feedback? I have been selective promoter as I try to wisely ascertain where others are coming from.

      Finally, could you say more about how you bring this up? What is the context that has brought up sharing MH? Is it emails? Face to face? Phone? In the church foyer? 🙂 Just curious. By the way, I favorite on toast is strawberry – so I am already biased towards what you write! 🙂

    • HornyHubby says:

      Strawberry,

      I was curious HOW you were going about telling others about this site. I’ve been thinking about doing that, but wasn’t sure how to bring it up with people. Furthermore, I’ve been a little hesitant because that means people I know will get on here and read about my sex life! LOL! Just a little embarrassed about that. LOL. I was wondering how you dealt with knowing your friends, family, pastor in this case, knew who you were on here and was reading about your sex life. Not that I’m embarrassed about my sex life, but how do you handle knowing your best friend or whoever knows some of your specific sexual activities? Just curious how you dealt with this and how you brought it up. 🙂

    • Strawberry says:

      Here are the ways we have shared MH.

      1. When people talk negatively about sex and the world. We ask if someone has seen the MH site.

      2. When people talk negatively about marriage. We ask if they have seen MH. We also comment that it might be too edgy for some Christians but we appreciate that this site elevates one man and one woman marriage sexuality like Song of Songs.

      3. When someone talks about pornography, even joking. We bring up marriage heat as God honoring erotic stories.

      I guess that many conversations can set up sharing the site. People really are frustrated about their sex lives and marriages.

      Some times, people will even bring up a specific problem that was written about at MH. I find that story and send the link.

      I find that the younger than us Christian crowd, is not so awkward. They say thanks and share the site more freely with their friends. The Unchurched crowd is often very curious about “Christian Sex”.

      We try to communicate that we are not know it alls, but we are always looking for resources that build up marriages.

    • hornyGG says:

      Way to go Strawberry! I have been sharing Marriage Heat with friends, members of the church as well as a few customers of mine.

      I am not ashamed and believe 100% in the message MH is putting out. A few have expressed little interest, but most have nothing but positive reactions. Many follow the site regularly and tell of how MH has relit the fire in their marriage.

      Cudos to you girl and Keep it up! God bless and stay horny as always.

  8. Baldy says:

    1. Not missing out at all. She’s the only one I’ve ever wanted. I long for her.

    2. I’m not trapped in any way… I’m entranced and I can’t escape it.

    3. Her love for Christ and integrity are her measuring stick. I’ve never seen her conform to expectations.

    4. As the HDP, I don’t feel pressure ;^) However, the joy, connection, contentment and amazing O’s all help to encourage both of us toward each other and incent us to carve out time to generously give and get such amazing pleasure together. We’ve been married over thirty years and are living an increasing hotness, eroticism and fun in our sexual play; how could that come about with anyone else but my life partner?

    Hot, married sex is the best! I don’t think that anything else could compare (not that it matters). I “rejoice in the wife of my youth”.

  9. HornyHubby says:

    1. At times I have felt like maybe we were missing out on something. But I didn’t consider going outside the marriage, I just wanted to find ways to heat things up in the marriage. I felt like we were getting into a rut sexually or we were too “vanilla” because we did the same things every time. So we have talked and studied and learned that there are a lot of freedoms in marriage. We aren’t limited to the missionary position on Saturday night in our bedroom! There’s so much more and I think I knew that instinctively so I wanted to explore our options so we could continue to grow in our sexuality and our marriage. By God’s grace we have done that. (This site has been a BIG contribution to that growth! Thanks!)

    2. I never feel trapped. I have never felt trapped. Marriage has been a dream come true for me and while there have been some tough times we have grown closer through them. And there have also been amazing times and we have grown as a couple in and out of the bedroom and that is exciting!

    3. Speaking for my wife, I really don’t feel like she has ever felt trapped either. I do, however, know that she has struggled with the messages from society. Everywhere we go there are images of women who are thin, have big perky boobs and flawless complexions and she has felt the pressure from that. I have tried to reassure her over the years that, as the song says, “I only have eyes for her” and I have assured her that I am attracted to her as she is. Physically as well as emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. She still struggles with it but not as bad these days.

    4. I have never felt this way. And I don’t think my wife has either. We are both committed to our marriage and to God and we know it’s wrong and unhealthy.

    In addition, I have always thought of the practical side of things when it comes to this. First of all, like TPC, my dad went outside the marriage and my parents divorced. I’ve experienced for myself and I’ve seen in my sisters what that does. And it continues to affect us even now 15 years later. So I think about what that would do to my daughter if I went outside and that kills me. In addition to what that would do to my wife! As well as my extended family. There are too many ripple effects from adultery.

    But then I think about the risk of getting someone else pregnant and the financial obligations that would follow me for the rest of my life. As well as dealing with child visitation and the “ex.” That can be a pain. (My sister married a man who has a child with another woman and I see the struggles they have coordinating schedules and trying to get along with her.) Or if I got an STD and then gave it to my wife. What if I had the opportunity to have a one night stand just to have one exciting fling, and I got something (but didn’t know it!) came home and gave it to my wife and she showed symptoms before I did! (I know someone that this happened to.) That would be embarrassing for her to find out that way. For her and for me. Can you imagine what that doctor visit would be like? Then her doctor would know that her husband cheated on her as well as she would know and be crushed. There’s just too much risk.

    The other reality is that it only “seems” like society is having a lot of sex. I’ve seen studies that were done that show married couples have more sex than single people. Society makes it seem like singles are out there living the life, but the reality is that they aren’t. This is a lie to get people’s focus off marriage. Think about it: A single person has to go somewhere, approach a member of the opposite sex, strike up a conversation, and hope that they will be willing to have sex. But they may not so the single ends up going home alone that night. Contrast with marriage, where you know for sure you have a sex partner every night if you want! So it’s a lie through society, TV, movies, etc.

    • Drew&Holly says:

      HornyHubby and TPC make great points. Drew’s first wife went outside their marriage, and that was really difficult for him. I do all that I can to reassure him that I will never do that. I do that by frequently physically expressing my love for him.

    • April Matney says:

      I don’t ever feel trapped with my husband and I very much enjoy the relationship he and I have.
      However, I have fallen victim to my own insecurities of my body and have also found myself feeling the pressure of not quite measuring up to what I have convinced myself, my husband really wants. He tells me all the time that I am his fantasy and that he loves me just the way that I am. And I really want to believe him. But I know I am quite boring in the sex, romance, and making love area.I have a very hard time with sharing my sexual desires that I only have for my husband. Somewhere along the way I received the message that wives were supposed to be vanilla in the sex department. I was taught that my husband wouldn’t respect me if I shared my real sexual desires. We have only been married for a year. I started reading these stories in hopes of finding the courage to communicate with my husband the things I would like. Instead I am upset with him when my needs aren’t met. So anyways we have just been going through the motions of release sex. Thank you to you all that don’t fallen victim to what society has defined what real woman should look like, act like and so on. Thank you so much for sharing. I read a story that gave me an idea. So I am going to start writing a fantasy journal. All of my fantacies are of my husband and I. I think that it is only fair for me to share the journal with my husband first of course. Maybe it will be the beginning of communication and connection with one another. And then if he is comfortable with me sharing here I will do so. In the mean time keep of the writing.

    • Madeleine 27 says:

      Hello my twin I agree with what you said I think the problem lots of Christians has is how to spice up the sex life but still doing it in a godly way

  10. Blondie says:

    I love the convo on this post, thanks so much, Madeliene for inciting it! I would highly recommend anyone who tells me “pure sex” or “mongamous” is boring or predictable to come to this site and also to check out my book, Make More Love. Lol

  11. Emmy Sue says:

    Hey Strawberry, great post, I’ve loved reading the responses so far. Figured I’d throw my response in there too…

    I don’t think Kelly and I have ever felt like we were missing out, but like HornyHubby, we’ve wanted figure out how to turn up the heat when we hit a rut. Have I found other men physically attractive, yes, but has it ever made me desire them sexually, no. In fact when I see a cute guy, it actually makes me think about Kelly! I am so attracted to my husband, physically, mentally emotionally, spiritually, and sexually, that wanting anyone else the way I want him isn’t even an option for me. And I love him way too much to ever be unfaithful to him, just the thought of putting him through that kind of pain makes me feel sick.

    Kelly has a stronger drive than I do, I struggle to feel like having sex when I’m going through stuff, and it’s something that I continue to work on, because I know that Kelly needs me that way, and I always find that I needed him too. He always says that it’s just that he loves being close to me in a way that no one else ever will be, so I know he’s not craving it just for a screw, but because he loves that connection with ME. I don’t ever have sex with him because I’m afraid he’d get it elsewhere, as even if I’m not initially feeling it, I do it because I care about him and want to make him happy. I always end up feeling it once we get going anyway. 🙂 Part of what’s difficult for me is how critical I am of myself, so I’ve struggled with the self image thing. That has bled into our sex life sometimes, because I don’t feel “sexy” enough which makes it hard for me to get in the mood. I have gotten better about it over time, and with Kelly’s help I continue to work on it. I can confidently say that Kelly never feels trapped, he just wants as much of me as he can get, and it can be tough for him when that’s less often than he would like. But he only wants it because he wants me first and sex second. I’ve NEVER felt trapped, Kelly is my refuge, my safe place, and that’s why I continue to strive to keep sex in our marriage and improve its presence in our life together. I can’t imagine having sex with anyone but him, because I could never have sex someone I didn’t feel so safe with, so complete with. I love the comfort in our relationship, and comfort doesn’t have to be boring if you keep growing together. I think that if the mainstream valued love as a priority in their lives before sex, the world would be such a different, and better, place.

  12. Emmy Sue says:

    Sorry, I got confused, I meant Madeline! Thanks for initiating the conversation. But I really enjoyed Strawberry’s comments on how she’s been spreading the word about MH, gives me courage to share this site with more people. MH is awesome and inspiring! 🙂

  13. Madeleine 27 says:

    WOw I sent this story a while back imagine when I got on here to see my own story lol I’m glad I have friends like you to talk to and get guys and girls opinion it means the world to me 🙂

  14. Tyler Rhy says:

    Hi I’m Tyler madeleines husband and I read the stories and comments just never posted anything I would like to say Thank you for all the commenting you guys do it really helps us as a couple to grow

    • hornyGG says:

      Hi Tyler,

      Let me just say your welcome! You have a very special woman Who obviously loves you very much. She is such a sweetheart!

      You two Keep growing in love and make love often. God bless you my friends and stay horny!

    • Tyler Rhy says:

      Oh thank you ms G i can say the same for Ben I read you and Bens stories and let me tell ya their always hot and also thanks to being a good friend to me wife

  15. Silver says:

    1. I’m not jealous of other people for having “More” sexual partners than I have. Even if I were to think of it from a strictly secular perspective I don’t believe great sex is about quantity, it’s about quality. If you’re with a long time spouse you’re monogamous with, you’re just going to have a better time during love making.
    2. My husband says he doesn’t feel trapped by being married, instead he feels secure and free sexually having “his girl” whom he knows desires and loves him, no STDs, no unexpected pregnancy worries, no guilt, no having to remember numbers or names or feeling like you always have to “perform” a certain way every time. He also doesn’t like how many secular men see women as a commodity. Same could be said for a female “player” type seeing men as a commodity for their pleasure and not a human being to have a relationship and friendship with.
    3. I think when I first married, there were times that I’d worry about being or looking a certain way all the time, but now I’m pretty confident, I do think there are a lot of high expectations put on us women especially, but I’m Silver, and I’m unique and fun in my own way. 😉
    4. Never felt pressure to have sex because of this. I just love having sex with my husband because it’s really a lot of fun, connects us, and it’s super pleasureful. 😛

    I loved this convo and there were so many excellent replies! God bless you at MH and thank you for the excellent thought provoking question, Madeleine!

  16. Albert Roget says:

    We were both Christians and virgins when we married and when we both promised to be faithful to we really did mean it. We felt very close and our love has kept us from being tempted.
    I know that if I were in a situation where I was being seduced by a girl that I was very attracted to I wouldn’t have sex with her because it would be something I would remember when I have sex with the person I love. Our sex is special because we both know it has only been us.

  17. faithfully bryan says:

    I’ve been married for 22 yrs., I think I am more in love with my wife now than in the beginning, it’s a different kind of love, a deep love, a soulfull love, I agree with everyone that’s replied, never have I wanted anyone else…
    Thx Madeleine, I love MH…

  18. lynda and dave says:

    when I was young, I wanted a certain type of person to be my wife and I have that woman that I always dreamt of having. I am very privileged and lucky to have found my soul mate, my perfect partner in life.
    there is nothing anywhere that could tempt me to ruin what I waited so very long for.
    I think if a person can be tempted to do wrong by their partner, to hurt their partner, then maybe that are not truly meant to be together.
    god has given me a partner that I could never have guessed was out there and I thank him every day for making me the luckiest man in the universe.

    if I could I would shout to the whole world how much I love my wonderful wife

  19. sum karar says:

    as an Indian women we know that we are pressurised for staying conservative.. yet we know that men women both have physical needs and if any of the sex is unable to do that people opt for other options to fulfill their needs. in India we see men can have 100s of physical affair that is fair but if women does that they are titled as” PROSTITUTE” the answer to this question is unknown. and moreover in many parts women’s are not given education so they Galway’s depend upon their husband’s after marriage. so they have to stay monogamous for the sake of livelihood. we need to stay always sexy and seductive to convince our husband’s so that they don’t go from us to other women’s.we stay loyal and expect loyalty so for that we stay monogamous and also expect them to stay. 🙂

  20. pdq Sailor says:

    We have been married for over twenty-five years. We make love each and every day unless one of us is ill and we are thank G-d very rarely ill. We both plan towards this and we prepare for it. My Wife has an extensive collection of modest and very practical lingerie and sleepwear which she selects each afternoon or evening. I shower and shave before bed and we wake early each morning to make love. Now when you have an appropriate active mutually satisfying sexual life with your spouse you fix virtually every problem you have detailed here. I have everything I could ever want or need in my Wife and she from me outside of material sustenance. Regular satisfying and frequent marital relations negate any need for a roving eye, for masturbating, for porn – we have non of that in our lives and the fortress that is our marriage cannot be broken by temptation since frankly I get more than I can handle from my beloved and very wise Wife.

    The issues of intimacy between spouses has been dealt with for thousands of years in the bible. The rules are called commandments not suggestions. Surprise I am not a Christian I am a Jew and we don’t have ten commandments to follow we have 613 positive and negative commandments in the five books of Moses and more guidelines for how we are to conduct our affairs in the other texts as well. When we get married we sign a rather onerous marriage contract called a Ketubah which stipulates that satisfactory marital relations are the right of the Wife and the obligation of the husband to provide. There are many details of how married couples are to conduct themselves and they have stood the test of time for generation upon generation.

    If you go by the book you don’t go very far wrong. We have a lot of books and we are doing just fine thanks.

  21. bholder says:

    I want to start out by saying I definitely do not feel like I am missing out on anything, and I know my husband feels the same way. We are totally committed to each other and happily so. However I do have one issue that I would love some comments and advice on. We are high school sweethearts, started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. We had a few ups and downs in the beginning, I mean we were just young teenagers. But we have been together ever since and totally committed to one another. We make it a habit of telling each other this and showing it. We are 30 and 31 years old now. When I was 22 or 23, my husband and I had a big problem. We wetter living together and had been since we were 18. We had went out for the night to celebrate my husbands bday. We rode home seperate with friends that night. These friends were also a couple. Well we get home alba we had a a few drinks and I got sick. I know that our guy friend left but I want aware that his girlfriend stayed at our house. Anyways, my husband put me in the shower and put me to bed naked and he got in the bed with me just like we always did. I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed my husband wasn’t there, but I wasn’t alarmed because he gets up often at night to get a drink or to go to the bathroom. I wake up again and it is daylight, maybe 8 or 9 in the morning. My husband is not in bed. I still am not concerned. I just tell for him and he confess into the room and gets back in bed. A couple of minutes go by and I hear or friends girlfriend yell that she is going to go ahead and head home and thanks for letting her stay. It’s at this point that I become concerned. I don’t say anything at first. We get up and celebrate my husband bday with his family. Layer that night at home, I calmly bring up why he wasn’t in the bed. I ask him where he was when I yelled for him. He says he was passed out in the living room sitting up. This is where the girl was also sleeping. I all him why he was in there and he says he had no idea and had no recollection of even getting up from our bed. He says he was super shocked when he woke up sitting straight up in the living room from Mr telling for him. He was in his sleep shorts when he went to bed that night and still in then when he came back to bed that morning. I immediately panic. I think the worst. Why would my husband lace or bed worth be in it to go to the living room where another girl slept? He says nothing at all happened and he never had ant intentions for anything to happen. He says he must of got up to use bathroom or get water and ended up sitting down in the living room. We are actually not even very fond of the girl, she is one of our good friend girlfriend. They had been together for several years at this point. I just know that something bad has happened and that he had to have something in mind to even leave our bed. He apologized for getting out if the bed and for making me suspect something and putting me through this, but promises me that nothing at all happened. I’m not sure what I actually believe. This was 6 or 7 years ago and I got past it enough to move on. But it still bothers me to this day. I still feel like I don’t have closure. I feel like even if something did happen that he round not tell me because he doesn’t want to risk losing me and doesn’t want to tell me that he cheated on me because he knows how bad it would hurt me. I honestly don’t know what to think our believe anymore. This is still on my mind today and I have brought up several times and tried to get it all settled and actually move past it. This had truly hurt me in a major way, it had a profound affect not just on my relationship, but on me personally. I feel like I am going insane. I feel so depressed about it and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just don’t know how to get past it. I have always trusted my husband no matter what. I never in a million years would have ever thought I would be in a situation where I was trying to figure out where my husband has been faithful. And I know our was years ago, so I should just let it go considering I have stayed with him. And that’s what I want to do, but it just keeps haunting me. I just feel like maybe something did happen and he just isn’t ever going to tell me the truth. And so it now goes from a over night cheating mistake to lying to cover it up to years of lies and deceit and broken trust. I just wish I knew for certain that nothing happened. And even if it did, I would still stay with my husband, we have two beautiful daughters together. I just feel line I at least deserve to know the truth no matter how painful it may be. I think it should be left in my hands on whether our not I could forgive my husband. And I obviously would. I just think that if someone does make a mistake that they otter it to their partner to tell them the truth. Their partner should not have top lay down every night beside this person not knowing what really happened. It’s not fair. I just need 100% certification that nothing happened on order to move on. Or I need my husband to finally fess up sop that I can finally get past this. I don’t deserve to live in this kinds of turmoil. I love this man with all my heart, and I know he loves me, but I still need to know the truth. Sorry it’s so long, this is the first time I have ever even talked about this with anyone other than my husband. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Eva says:

      bholder- I really liked what HH said about trusting your husband’s character rather than the odd situation of that night. I think that’s some excellent wisdom.

      At this point, when it is an isolated incident and your husband has never done anything else in seven years to raise your suspicions and he has assured you that he was just sitting on the couch, I truly think it would be wise for you to give this whole thing to God and just move on with your life and your marriage.

      Sometimes Satan has a way of suggesting to us that we need to obsess about things, when really we don’t. Really, we can give our worries and our fears over to God and he will take them and carry them for us so that we can walk in freedom and joy.

      I pray that you will be able to do that in this situation.

      And honestly, here’s another way to look at it. If you are certain you would forgive him if you knew he had cheated, then just go ahead and forgive him anyway even if he didn’t. Just give the forgiveness, even if it isn’t needed. Forgive him for getting out of bed that night. Forgive him for making you suspicious. Forgive him for being in the same room as your friend. Forgive him for sleep walking and not remembering what he was up to. Just forgive him.

      And then go have so much mind blowing sex so that you’ll both know he’ll never be even the tiniest bit tempted to look outside your bedroom ever again.

      So forgive, and give it to God. And live in freedom! Don’t let your mind get trapped in worthless loops. You have so many better ways to spend your time!

    • bholder says:

      Eva- Thank you so much for taking time to read my situation and even more for taking the time to respond with your advice. It is truly appreciated and very much needed. I have indeed spent way too much of my life in turmoil over this. It is just one of those things that rocks you to your core and just won’t let go. I like that you said that Satan has a way of making us obsess. I had not looked at it like that until recently. I had not put much thought of God and Satan into it. I just know that I am ready to be free of this anguish and considering I haven’t been able to do that in seven years, I’m scared to death that this is my life. That this incident will forever leave it’s mark on me and my marriage. I have started trying to see it as I need to truly forgive him for that night, even if it’s only for leaving our bed and nothing more happened. I also have to forgive him for putting me in this situation and let the resentment I feel about it having so much impact on my whole life for these seven long years. I have to be able to forgive him and mean it, not just say it. I just have to figure out how to do that. I don’t want this sorrow in my head or heart any longer and I appreciate you for reminding me that it is possible through God. That I can allow him to take this hurt away and put forgiveness in my heart.I not only want, but need to give it over to God so that he can carry it for me and free me to walk with joy, a real absolute joy once again. Something I have not been truly able to do since that night. And yes, I would forgive him if he in fact did cheat. I love him, he is my high school sweetheart, my husband, my best friend, my lover, father of my children, my everything. He is my whole world. I just think that even though I would forgive him, I deserve to know the truth and have the choice of forgiving him, rather than being in the dark and feeling like our whole life is a lie. And that this man I love so much, and that loves me just the same, took that away from me by betraying my trust in the first place and then continuing to lie and hide something. But I need to take your advice on at least forgiving him for leaving the bed and getting into this type of situation and causing so much distress for me and our marriage. I had never looked at it like that. I just keep seeing the big what if. But in order to truly move on, I have to forgive him for what I know he did wrong. Y’all have no idea how much it means to me that I can cone here and talk about something this important and private to me and not be judged. And that people actually do care enough to read my comments and to take time to try and help me. I have no words to say how much it means. Thank you

    • Blondie says:

      I would agree with what others have said. I hope you find peace in your heart on this and can move on and forgive. Life is way too short. Wish you the best!

  22. HornyHubby says:

    bholder, I understand your dilemma.

    Here’s my 2 cents worth: From your post it sounds like this was a one time thing. And it sounds like your husband has never done anything like this before or since this incident. And there was alcohol involved that night. So it boils down to: What kind of character would you say your husband has? Is he the type that even would do something like that? From your post, again, it sounds as if this was a one time incident. So it sounds like he has a good character and nothing happened.

    So if you feel that he has a good character about him, then trust his character even if you can’t trust that situation. Especially when he is saying nothing happened. Again just my 2 cents worth.

    • bholder says:

      Hornyhubby- thank you so much for your 2 cents worth. I really needed to hear options from someone else. Like I said I haven’t talked about this with anyone buy my husband and I think it is why it still bothers me. Because I have not been able to discuss it out loud and just play it in my head, I have managed to make it worse. And I really like the way you put it saying, trust his character even if I don’t trust the situation. I have never thought of it that way before. And I do trust his character and nothing like this had ever happened before or after. And the alcohol being involved is why I have trouble just letting it go and saying I trust him. Because alcohol can change a person’s character. Even if nothing happened, he would have never left our bed if he hadn’t been drinking. And I just don’t trust the alcohol and the fact that he doesn’t remember leaving the bed. I just have a hard time accepting nothing happened Because I don’t know if he would tell me if it did because he doesn’t want to hurt me and he didn’t want to lose Me. But I’m gradualky feeling better about letting go and forgiving after all these years. I can’t keep this on my mind, it is literally driving me insane. Again thanks for your input, it really is invaluable. I welcome all opinions. Thanks again.

  23. PassionateForChrist says:

    Dearest bholder, I’m glad that we get to welcome you in this sweet MH community of ours. I’m grateful that you took courage to reach out to us, giving us the chance to help and support wherever we can. God encourages us in the family of believers to carry each other’s burdens, to be there for each other when one of us is going through trials and tribulations, so I firstly want to thank you for giving us at MH the honor and opportunity to be there for you and to carry that, which has weighed you down for far too long, with you.

    I’ve followed what you’ve written and have commented and I do want to take this moment and encourage you as well . I do wholeheartedly agree with what Eva, HornyHubby and Blondie spoke to you.

    I can relate to the battles you fight in your mind about it because I too have found myself in situations where I was left with questioning about whether I was told the truth by someone that was especially dear to my heart, and I have worried myself dizzy and have stepped into all that fear, worry and insecurity create in oneself (which is just plain chaos within ourselves, within our souls and our core), so I understand your urge to wanna know the answer to that uncertainty that managed to take a hold of you and I know how hard it can be to get out of this vicious circle of fighting such basically destructive thoughts and feelings… Nonetheless I do want to point you to the freedom you seek and the freedom I’ve found in each of those moments, where I got lost in the uncertainty of moments of my own life. The key to that freedom is right at hand. It’s your trust in God. Every time I was in a moment where I couldn’t know the answer, the truth to a given situation, I heard God speak to me in my heart: “Julia, I do not ask of you to trust in people or even to trust in yourself, I do ask of you to trust in Me. Don’t rely on your feelings, your own logic, your own reasonings. Trust in Me.” When God spoke this to my heart, I clearly knew in my heart that He was right and that my surrendering all of myself and all of it to Him is the only way to true freedom from uncertainty, from insecurity, from the urge to figure it out/to know the answers… Our trust ultimately must be in God alone, otherwise we will end up tossed and blown in situations like yours where we ourselves just cannot know the answer always. And you gotta know that you know that you know that God is 100% dependable and trustworthy and faithful! He is our sure foundation, our Rock. You may not know what to believe about what happened but you can trust in God – because He knows it all… He knows what happened and, knowing God’s character, I’m convinced that He would have let you know if there really would have happened anything that would have violated His commands concerning holy matrimony. God is not just loving and compassionate, merciful and gracious, He is just as much just and righteous. He blessed you two to have each other in marriage. You can be sure that God always finds ways to let us know what we must know if we must know something. So, I would like to heartily encourage you to let go of the urge to wanting to know an answer to this (no matter how rightfully entitled you are/feel to deserve to know… it may very well be that your husband spoke the truth to you and just cannot say anything else because, as awkward as the situation was, it may have just been that which he said). As Christians, we find ourselves often in the position of not knowing the answers, and that is perfectly ok, because we know the One who knows it all and we can trust in Him that if we need to know, He will make sure we do. We don’t need to struggle or strain to get the answers we seek, usually getting trapped in a moment, ending up stuck and frustrated. So my first encouragement to you is trust in God’s goodness towards you and your marriage. Trust in His protection. Trust in Him.

    God certainly doesn’t want you to live in distress and fear and inner turmoil over this one moment any longer. I do believe that the Enemy has badly taken advantage of you in the aftermath of this situation. It is the Enemy that tortures you through the worries and the what ifs that echo in your mind. It’s really the Enemy that stirs them up in you. His goal is clear: he wants to keep you stuck and steal your joy and wants to bring division between you and your husband. Remember that the Enemy is a thief who comes only to steal, kill and destroy. He is mostly subtle in his schemes and works through implanting fear in our hearts and confusion in our souls and doubt in our minds. He deceives us daily, and we gotta be very careful to not make one of his deceptions our own by believing the Enemy’s lies. Be aware that not every thought that comes up in your head is a thought of you. Satan wants to bring division and chaos. Inner turmoil is a state he lures and traps you in to keep you from moving forward with God in the freedom of Christ, from being the full blessing that you were made to be to those around you and from thoroughly enjoying the gift of your life (every moment) the way God intended it to be. Don’t give Satan a foothold in your life, for he has no right and no say at all in your life. You are a child of God. Satan wants to disrupt your life, to disrupt your marriage, to torture you on the battlefield of your mind. But God wants to give you life abundantly – that is, His joy, His peace, His love… all of God through Christ in you. Debunk Satan’s deceptions by trusting in God more than you trust in what you feel or see or experience. Refuse to give in to the urges Satan wants you to chase after. You’ve stated that you don’t know exactly yet how you can let go and let God. The way God teaches us to let go is through faith. I know it’s far from easy but God is with us. And if God be for us, who can be against us? Nothing can stand against us – no evil force, no circumstance… nothing. For He is greater. Satan attacks aggressively and we need to get our inner fire ablaze and cling to God with all we’ve got and keep being in agreement with God no matter what, through our words and actions and the meditations of our hearts. Not in our own strength of course but in God’s strength. That’s why the 1st part to this well-known verse is so important: “Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee.” God is our strength, our assurance, our everything. How do we submit to God? By surrendering all we are and all that is going on and all that we are not and all that troubles us to Him, into His care. By positioning us under His authority – trusting in Him and taking captive every thought that goes against what His Word says. The Bible is the Truth. His Word says we walk by faith and not by sight. So, we have to believe beyond what we can see and can know. Every time a worrisome thought pops up in your head about that situation with your husband, you need to put your faith in action – we overcome by believing in our hearts and confessing with our mouths the Truth of God’s Word over every situation… So, in your case, you can declare by faith that you and your husband belong to Jesus Christ, that God has got a shield of protection and of favor around you both and your marriage relationship, that you will no longer swallow the troublesome thoughts the Enemy wants to feed you through the worries and the fear and the confusion he sends but that you will trust in God no matter what and love your husband like the Bible challenges us to love (1 Corinthians 13). Declare over yourself and your precious life and marriage that you will believe your husband from this day forward about this whole thing because love believes the best (no more staying stuck through reasoning or questioning), that you wipe your slate from this day forward and start completely afresh and anew because love doesn’t keep a record of wrong and every day is a new beginning with new mercies for us all, that God is not just your Shepherd and shield but also the God of new beginnings, of second chances… He is making all things new. Declare by faith that from this day forward you will leave the past in the past and not let it rob you or your marriage or family of one more joyful moment shared individually and together. You stated that you’re scared that this incident will forever leave its mark on you and your marriage. That is another deception the Enemy would love to torment you with. God is well able to give you beauty for the ashes you and your marriage has gone through. I’m confident that you are able to overcome this incident without permanent damage because God is able to make you, your husband, your marriage and your family completely whole and free. Remember that we are more than conquerors in Christ. He conquered everything for us on the Cross. It is finished. It is done. That’s why we can count on the truth that before we ever face a battle, the victory is already ours in Christ. Keep your heart open, in faith-filled loving trust towards your husband, knowing that you two are not on separate ends but you are one, a precious, unique team together with and under God. Satan is the enemy and he wants to steal what God has blessed you with and wants to bless you with but Satan will not get it because you and your husband will stand in agreement, in faith, in God, and you both will come out stronger from this fire. Don’t let your thoughts push you around. Today is the first day of your new life in Christ’s freedom – set your mind and keep it set on the thoughts of God. God is always right there with you and for you.

    If I can leave you with one more thought I’d like to encourage you to not just forgive your husband for what went wrong in this situation but to also forgive yourself for having allowed yourself to be trapped in that moment for so long… whether we like it or not, ultimately, we are the only ones, who are able to choose how we feel about something, and the best choice is to let go and let God and move forward with Him. I know that it’s easier said than done – I have failed to choose my thoughts wisely myself more than I’d like to but God’s mercy and loving kindness remain! In our weaknesses, He is strong! Sometimes this faith walk is especially hard and uncomfortable but it’s so worth to fight for it. Be aware that as you take your first steps to be free in Christ from this, Satan will do all he can to keep you in chains to this one moment. But, take heart, dearest bholder, for God is fighting for you and cheering you on always! Don’t let one uncertain moment define the rest of your marriage or yourself or your husband. You keep stepping forward with and in God, refusing to follow any longer the path that only leads to confusion, inner turmoil, worry and fear. From now on, you choose on purpose to follow the paths of God in this, which lead to the peace that passes understanding in Him, abundant joy, thriving love and life, newness and wholeness. You can do it. I believe in you. I’m confident that you will overcome, for I know that in Christ you already have. Hearty love and blessings to you, dear bholder! Keep the faith! Stay the course walking in love, pressing on, not looking nor turning back but moving forward in confident trust in God. And watch what God will do for you – freedom, joy, peace, love so deep… Ephesians 3:20 is awaiting you! God bless!

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