Fantasies about wife – Are they wrong?

I have a serious question for our couples on this site.  Based on some of my prior posts, you may know that I have two recurring desires/fantasies for my wife.  One is to watch her pleasure herself and masturbate for our mutual enjoyment (her pleasure, my visual).  The other is to have her really enjoy letting me cum on her, whether it be on her breasts, her belly, in her mouth or in her face. The real turn on is her wanting me to cum on her, wherever that might be.  Here is my real concern:  I will admit that in my past I have seen masturbation and facials in pornography and, yes, those things turned me on when I saw them.  Is the fact that I am turned on by thoughts of my beautiful wife masturbating or begging for me to cum on her now sinful because of that?  Should I let those things of the past bother me such that we should not share such an experience between us?  I have a belief that my troubles and doubts about this is the negative consequence of my sin, but I also have to wonder, is my wife forever objectified because of those visuals, with my confession of sin and Christ’s forgiveness, can I experience such uninhibited sexual activity without guilt?  Finally, should I even share my dilemna with my wife for fear that she will think I am just trying to make her into my own personal a porn actress, when I really am just super-turned on by her!?  All thoughts welcome, and I wonder if anyone else has a similar struggle.

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24 replies
  1. ilovemywife69 says:

    I hope it’s not wrong because I will have a hard time fighting those fantasies back. I am in the same boat but I feel like as long as I am fantasizing about MY wife and not some porn star then I am good. Maybe someone else can verify right or wrong.

  2. Creative Couple says:

    None of the fantasies you describe sound inherently sinful to me. There is intercourse in porn, kissing in porn, oral sex for her and him in porn, even romantic love making in porn.

    Are we prepared to abstain from those activities too–or the sanctified fantasy of enjoying them with our spouses–simply because they were in porn?

    I think that’s misguided.

    You are correct, porn is wrong. And fantasies about anyone but your spouse is sinful. But just because something exists in porn doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to want it.

    My wife has never seen porn but enjoys mutual masturbation and having me cum on her occasionally. Usually with a toy buried inside her pussy while my cock is between her tits or in her mouth. Very hot.

    My suggestion, if you want to see your wife masturbate for you or cum elsewhere, is to get her an amazing vibrator. That way the experience is more mutually satisfying for you both.

    And as far as the begging for your cum goes, there is nothing hotter to many men, myself included. Call me crazy but it makes me feel accepted, needed and wanted in such a tangible way. It’s like the bedroom equivalent of her giving me a big hug in the kitchen and telling me how grateful and proud she is to call me her husband.

    That may sound crazy to some, but we don’t think so. That’s why we wrote Welcome Home, initially. To explore the relationship between a couple who are best friends, silly with each other and playful, but also passionately sexual in the bedroom. With a wife who is downright naughty and a husband who adores her for it. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to write more soon but haven’t had the time.

    Anyway, be encouraged man. Talk to your wife, get her a great toy, be patient and see what happens. But be free from your guilt. Your fantasies about your wife are normal and healthy. I hope they come true for you both someday.

    – Trent

    • Happy Husband says:

      I have bought her a bunch of toys, of every kind that you can think of, but she does not want to masturbate (for me or alone, for that matter). She very much enjoys me using the toys on her. Every now and then she is okay with me cumming on her, as I have described, but there is no initiative on her part. In sum, she does not “get into” either masturbation or my cum. I will keep praying about that aspect of our intimate life getting more daring, but our love is so much more important than these fantasies. I just am glad that people don’t think they are wrong.

    • Creative Couple says:

      I agree with this as well. Contentment is a virtue in every area of life. Ultimate sexual satisfaction is not the chief end of mankind. Glorifying God and serving others is. That’s where the true happiness is found.

      But I still hope you guys get to try some of that other really fun stuff 😉

      – T

  3. Ben G. says:

    Hey brother, great post! I don’t think it is wrong to have fantasies about your wife whatsoever. As long as those fantasies are pure and with love for your wife and not of her being with someone else or something.

    I have many fantasies of Gina I play in my mind. Most I share with her and some that I keep for my own personal pleasure ( like when I jack). All my fantasies are of things I wouldn’t mind sharing with her , including those I keep private in my spank bank. They are all out of love for her.

    I guess I am lucky in the fact that Gina has always been open to play out certain fantasies of mine, as I am of hers. I always tell her that my biggest fantasy was fulfilled when she agreed to be my wife.

    Anyway those are my thoughts on the subject. Keep writing and God bless my brother!

  4. SouthernGent says:

    The question is where do these fantasies come from. You admit you have seen them in previous porn viewings, that is a hard visual to root out of your mind. Several problems…do you want to cum on her as a power/control thing, or is it because you saw it on porn, or is it because its the next thing for you to encourage her to do? examine your motives. What would be best is if she just enjoyed seeing you cum just like you enjoy seeing her cum…

  5. Happy Husband says:

    Southern Gent – I have thought about this a lot. I think the motivation is very basic – the desire to be sexually desired. If my wife masturbating for me to watch or eager to accept my cum and/or watch me cum, then she would be a woman who is sexually aggressive and desirous of me, her husband. It is a thrill to be wanted. I don’t think that this comes FROM porn, but rather, porn preys on that instinctive desire in men. So, I guess in its essence, I want my wife to want me. It may be immature, but many men get affirmation from their wife’s sexual desire for them. My fantasies about my wife are part of that. Through the course of working through this post, I think I have my answer. My desires have nothing really to do with what I saw in porn, but rather a primal emotional and sexual desire I have for my wife, or more specifically, a hope that she would have such a desire for me.

    • SouthernGent says:

      Brother Happy Husband – you are so right. Of the couples we talk to through our large married SS class, that is the number one complaint…husbands who just want to be desired by their wife. Not just (a) appreciated as a good moral man, (b) a good provider, (c) one who is helpful around the house, etc. No, a man wants his wife to want him at the most basic essential level. But it is your job to make sure you create a safe zone of communication so she feels comfortable expressing and exploring these feelings. Women brought up in the church are more pre-disposed to be inhibited in expressing these desires outwardly. But, never expect her to act like a performance online and we need to learn to appreciate the more subtle ways they express desire for us.

  6. loveithot says:

    Important post and great responses. If there is consensus and agreement that the fantasies aren't wrong, is the next question then how does a fantasizing husband or wife encourage their spouse towards greater sexual confidence? I agree with the above post regarding contentment but also think that for some if we become a 'student' of our spouse, are patient, but also intentional in encouraging them (not nagging them), that it is possible for sexual confidence to increase over time which also may mean a fantasy willingly fulfilled. With my wife June, we have taken many baby steps over the past 3-4 years. This started with buying her lingerie, openly complementing her and expressing how I felt about her in terms of my love and lust for her. Then later letting her know how much it turns me on when she plays with herself when we're apart (I'd write her erotic letters) and then progressing along….I've written some of those stories in posts on this site. I think there is great hope your fantasies might be fulfilled and that some of the fun is in gently, patiently and kindly helping our spouses on a journey. What have other fantasizing spouses done to help build their spouse's sexual confidence?

  7. Upcomingauthor says:

    Your thoughts are almost the same as saying you can't enjoy sex because you've seen it and it turned you on.
    Or you can't listen to a certain song just because it's secular but maybe it's talking about proposing to the girl of your dream.

    Just because this sinful world promotes it and enjoys it doesn't mean you can't enjoy it the way God intended.

    I've gotten my wife to masturbate. I had her blindfolded told her to masturbate until she had to cum and stop. We have a kink relationship.

    Middle of the afternoon and the sun was hitting her just right as she laid there naked. I snuck in and just watched and took pictures. She had no idea I was there 🙂
    Did I get the idea from the porn I've seen, yes, but between me and her it can't even compare.

    Now as for cumming on your wife, I understand why you have the convictions because Porn makes women seem like cheap whores if they allow that to happen and no woman, not even the ones in porn should feel that way. But you've read the stories from both sides and you can tell what both the married men and women think about that. It's literally the biggest form of sexual gratitude we can give our wives and they love it on them just as much as they feel it go in them.

    I can't tell you how it feels to do that. When it happens my wife if she is cumming with me just gets shivers from every drop that falls on her. Because even though it's hot it still sends chills through her body when she feels it land on her.

    I had my reservations about it at first but I talked to her and told her I don't want her feeling like she's a cheap whore or anything if I do that and she said it was okay to do it. So I did. She didn't mind it at first but she also didn't like it but she wanted to make me happy. But the more we did if the more she enjoyed it and then it got to the point that one time in missionary as I pulled out she grabbed me while she was still laying on her back and stroked me for me and it made my orgasm so strong I got dizzy. And what she did, that's something I've never seen done in porn.

    So believe me when I say, just because Satan wants to pervert it doesn't mean we can't use it. Hope this helps brother!

  8. Happy Husband says:

    Thanks everyone for their thoughts. I hope my question caused some reflection for us all. Stay away from porn because not only is it not as amazing as your relationship with your spouse, but because of its sinful nature it can cause a wound in your own heart and mind that is difficult to heal. God knows what is best for us, and in Proverbs he has counseled us to drink deeply from the flowing fountains and wells of the bride of our youth. All of us want to be desired and craved by our spouse. Wives, know that there is nothing more sexually fulfilling than to make HIM feel like he is the object of your desires. I suspect that the common desire of many women to give up control and be “taken” by their husbands comes from the same type of deep, raw passion that we all have. A wife stroking her pussy for her man or begging for his cum are just examples of this type of sexual expression. Bottom line – communicate to your spouse what you crave, and on the receiving end, out of love open yourself to the reasonable desires of your spouse.

  9. Tommy Carter says:

    I have found that unflinching communication works. Things you might wish to consider in talking with your wife.
    Ejaculation is not just for procreation. The strength and volume speak to your wife’s deepest nature and let her know how desirable she is. While bathing a woman in cum seems crass in pornography, that is because porn is visualization minus a plot of true intimacy. Start, if you haven’t already, by encouraging your wife to swirl her fingers around in your semen after you ejaculate on her stomach, then possibly her breasts.
    Current public thought says the objectification of women is wrong. Contrast that with the multi-billion dollar a year lingerie industry, much of it driven by women, and the truth emerges.
    There is value in surrender. Convince your wife that you NEED her sexually. Don’t be afraid to have her dress in something like a one- piece bathing suit, at which time kneel, hug her legs, and ask her please may you see her naked.
    IMPORTANT GROUND RULE: She must have the freedom to say no. Best case scenario for you.. she gives in after considerable pleading.
    Good luck!

  10. Don Bryson says:

    Not to worry. As long as it’s her that you’re thinking of, and not Debbie doing Dallas you’re fine. But she needs to be the center of your fantasies, but you know that. I’ve regrettably have seen way to much porn in my life. But it has given me ideas to try with my now late wife. However, if she was uncomfortable trying something I suggested, I never pushed her. But I have to tell you, she loved to have me shoot my juice on her breasts, neck (While tit screwing her), or on her bush. One of my favorite things was to kneel between her spread open legs as she and I watched each other masturebate. Watching her come from that vantage point was amazing, and as she came I’d shoot my load across her bush and onto her stomach. But never, ever see anyone else in your mind, it’s just about her.

  11. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Nothing's off limits if it's your wife. People were having sex forever, God made sex! If it's just the two of you and you're married, be wild. God made no laws or codes regarding sexual positions and methods. No one has any business telling couples what kind of sexual pleasure they can indulge, so your imagination is the limit. God bless, and enjoy sex with your wife!

  12. christmakesithot says:

    My wife sounds a lot like your wife.
    We just posted a story that is the start of our exploration with my cum. This past year has been full of new kinks and it's been fun. It's might be a bit before it's approved but it's called "Cum Now" I think it might give you some ideas on how to move forward.

  13. TexasCouple says:

    I don't understand how people get so wrapped up in the "sin" aspect of sex with your spouse. Because it was prompted by watching facial porn? About the same as buying a chocolate cake because you saw it advertised. Your wife isn't an inanimate partner, I understand that. Make a rational case that you want to do this or that. She may or she may not. Your orgasm from fantasizing about it may be better than doing it in real life. If so, there's worse things to fuss over.

  14. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    I know I am probably in the minority here, especially as a woman, but I have a slightly different view (or maybe definition) of porn. The *industry* is rife with sin, with sex between unmarried couples being the crux. All the rest flows from there.

    I actually have no problem with learning visually from other married (and preferably Christian) couples' experiences, and rather enjoy audiovisual erotica as much as the stories I read here.

    I don't lust after the people onscreen. For some, this is a real struggle. I find that I can want what they are experiencing (and seek it in my marriage) without wanting it with them.

    The problem, FOR ME, is trying to wade through all of it and not be tempted to watch people engage in things God clearly says not to do. Not because I feel fantasizing about them is sin, but because *doing* them is disobedience. Seeing those acts should break my heart, not titillate me.

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Hi CHL – your comment caught my attention in a couple of places. First, I love how you said "Seeing those acts should break my heart, not titillate me." Well put!

      You started with "I have a slightly different view (or maybe definition) of porn." That made me curious about what the "definition" is – and how you exactly define it differently. I always find you very well thought out and tethered closely to Scripture. I want to know what your "minority" position is.

      Frankly, This is a frontier that is both interesting and potentially dangerous. Guarding against ungodly lust vs. promoting a horny lust that we share with our spouse – and how other ingredients fit into that picture in a righteous way. We obviously live in a world with many ingredients that are not just us alone with our spouse in bed.

      We protect ourselves and set standards that we will not cross – while allowing for places where certain ingredients mix in spice that becomes part of our whole experience with our spouse.

      Thus, I like your comment "I actually have no problem with learning visually from other married (and preferably Christian) couples' experiences, and rather enjoy audiovisual erotica as much as the stories I read here." For some – that is absolutely taboo. But, does it have to be?

      Lastly, I think you make a helpful distinction – "I don't lust after the people onscreen. For some, this is a real struggle. I find that I can want what they are experiencing (and seek it in my marriage) without wanting it with them." A real key is "and seek it in my marriage"! The world is rife with people who take what they read, watch, and fantasize about – and lust after and ultimately join with someone outside of their marriage.

      This is just another reason why Marriage Heat brings such a wholesome alternative. We read and comment about awesome sexual experiences – and promote them to be contextualized or realized in each couple's marriage.

      Thank you for this comment CHL!! God bless you and all you do. LH

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I agree, the subject is a difficult one. And for many, the difficulty is reason enough to avoid it altogether, both in practice and in discussion.

      For me, pornography relates to prostitution. (The Greek means writing about harlots.) It is an industry that pays people to have sex onscreen, usually with someone who is not their spouse. It cheapens the sexual act and kills the beauty of the sexual relationship reserved by God for the marriage bed.

      That said, depictions of married couples freely enjoying their marital rights don't bother me. I feel what they are doing is beautiful and encouraging, sometimes even instructive – and not just a little exciting to watch. But it is nearly impossible to find the latter except buried in a sea of the former. And either can cause some people to stumble.

      Of course, this is only my opinion and shouldn't be adopted by another lightly. I would never encourage anyone to act in a way that grieves the Spirit.

      We all have to know our own weaknesses and follow our own convictions. If I were an alcoholic, I would need to abstain from drinking. Likewise, if seeing another have sex or masturbate made me want them, I should refrain from it.

      We also have to take into consideration how our spouse feels about the issue. If my husband thought that I was comparing him to other men or something, it would be wrong of me to exercise my freedom to his hurt.

      Thankfully, neither of us feels that way. We don't "use" porn regularly, but on the rare occasion that we want to try something new, we aren't averse to watching how it's done by a few others first.

    • A Better Pastime says:

      Hi CHL…my husband I are in the exact same camp as you are with what you said in the following:

      "I actually have no problem with learning visually from other married (and preferably Christian) couples' experiences, and rather enjoy audiovisual erotica as much as the stories I read here.
      I don't lust after the people onscreen. For some, this is a real struggle. I find that I can want what they are experiencing (and seek it in my marriage) without wanting it with them."

      We actually do incorporate audiovisual erotica as part of our love making on a consistent basis, and have done so throughout most of our marriage. We have come to the place where you have arrived and that being that we truly understand that neither of us have ever lusted after the onscreen participants. We are both simply enthralled by watching and listening to the miracle of a man and a woman making love to one another. We both feel that it is just truly one of the most miraculous visuals anywhere on earth.

      We also struggle with the very same as you have also stated and that being the problem of wading through all of it and not being tempted to watch people engage in things God clearly prohibits.

      Thank you CHL for your courage in writing what is as you imply, most likely, the dissenting opinion. We just wanted to come forward along side you by adding the comment that you are not at all alone in this opinion, experience, or thinking.

  15. A Better Pastime says:

    I wanted to make sure that I added to my original comment as I feel that I had left something out. Our use, and even delight, of audiovisual erotica is mostly done as a means to ignite our intimacies. The audio portion of the audiovisual content is often times the only portion of the audiovisual content that we consume. Truly speaking, listening to the sexual encounter of another couple while fully engaged in sex with your spouse at very same time is intense. It also adds immensely to the fantasy of your spouse and what they are doing sexually at that time. Well, just a little more about us. ?

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