Newbie With Kink Questions

Hey all, newbie on the site. So forgive me if this ends up in the wrong thread or something.
Anyway as for my back story, I’m a 22 y/o virgin male raised in a rather conservative church and an avid lover of Jesus. I also avidly like some things many conservatives might not um..well understand..Which is why I’m on here right now.
Since I was 7ish, I’ve had a bit of a fascination with the thought of getting tied up and made unable to speak. But after an emotionally scarring altercation with my older brother and sister where they left me tied up and alone for half an hour, it kind of warped me and pushed me down a direction that later involved some getting into reading about/watching some nasty stuff online.
I cleaned up my act thank the Lord almighty and his grace. And somehow in my quest to understand my own sexuality better, I discovered this site. I found it a bit scary at first seeing people on here professing Christ, but writing very personal stories. Strangely enough to me, it didn’t have the same feeling as a raunchy lust filled site. Over time, I began to frequent the site more and see the blessing it’s been for the users and even for me personally (anyway enough side rambling).
Moving back to my last thought, to be honest I still enjoy the thought of getting tied up in an erotic manner. And this is something I hope to redeem in my life, and hopefully be married to a wife who will embrace this as a part of our bedroom play. I know it’s not an impossible dream because I’ve read about members on here, like Silver, who were raised conservative but are into bdsm. And I just got awesomely wowwed by that.
Okay, my final thought. While I’m not really into the whole BDSM side of things, I wanted to ask some poll questions for maybe future ideas later on.
What are your favorite ways to be erotically restrained?
What do you use?
Do you ever use a gag?/What do you use?

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30 replies
  1. RevvedUpandWaiting says:

    BJ,

    I have never commented or written on this site, so here goes. I too was brought up in a conservative church family. However, since I was young I was interested in sex. The fact that a young woman was so crazy for sex was abnormal enough to most people (although many of us are). I too am a 22 virgin, so I can’t respond to your poll with any experience. However, despite my upbringing, I have always been very free about sexuality and believed as long as it does not defile the marriage bed, it is not wrong. Everybody gets off to different things. I agree that the lines can be difficult to draw, but it is righteous and necessary to draw them. One person may say it defiles the marriage bed to have anal sex while the next thinks it is wrong to be restrained. Clearly only God can answer these questions. I know God cares a great deal about sex. God even goes so far to say that we should be sexually meeting our spouse’s needs on a frequent basis just to keep the devil away (1 Corinthians 7:5). I am a Christian Marriage and Family counselor in training and I really want to have a sign in my office for the couples that says something like “A romp a day keeps the devil away.” lol (patent pending!! haha) I’m still working on it. Husbands may want to tack that verse up on their bedroom wall, lol.
    Anyway, praying to God about your desires is a given. But you should look into your motive. If you cannot see a clear nefarious motive, then I am sure your desires are alright. For example, I would be willing to do just about anything for my husband, however, should he want me to wear a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails, a red flag would be raised in my mind. I would wonder is this to get off on a pedophilic desire, is it because he first started getting interested in sex and his hormones drove him crazy at this age so he still desires the look, is it because he likes the idea of “guiding” an innocent to devilment or what? I would talk to him about it, being that I married him I would not automatically assume the worst.
    I too have pondered the BDSM idea for a bit. For the longest time I had absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. However, I recently have considered it and decided it is something I really want, but I would want a toned down version. My motive is simple. It is animalistic and powerful. I still can’t tell if I am a Dominant or a Submissive. I think I am a Switcher, lol. If my motive was to inflict pain or want to be abused, I would not allow myself to take part in it.
    I also have debated dirty talk with people before. My opponent claimed as Christians we shouldn’t say such things. I said there is a place for such words. If I used “foul” language to demean or emasculate my husband then it would be wrong. But since I do not use those words on a frequent basis, the fact that I would be using them in bed would just be a testament to how intense and erotic the situation is. Also, to me it can be descriptive. There is a difference between making love, having sex, and fucking. I would prefer the latter on a frequent basis and making love when it is called for.
    As you can tell, I think motive matters a great deal. Plus even Jesus called the Pharisees “sons of snakes” (Matthew 23:33). We have a similar phrase in our day and age, methinks. lol
    Anyway, I have talked enough. I could talk about sex all day and being a marriage counselor I have done some research on different subjects. It warms my heart to see a young fellow care so much about Jesus and whether his desires are holy. It is rare.
    Best wishes,
    M

    • CMLove says:

      “A romp a day keeps the Devil away!” Haha! Absolutely love it! I will use that on my husband! Great thoughts, Revvedup! Thanks for posting!

    • RevvedUpandWaiting says:

      LOL thanks! I’m sure husbands will appreciate it!

      “Honey, I’m not in the mood tonight.”
      “Well, I’m sorry. I just wanted to keep the Devil away, but I can see our spiritual life isn’t high on the priority list.”
      “Oh, come here you, you bad thing!”
      haha

    • bj says:

      Thanks for your input! And thank you for asking me about my own motivations. I don’t think there’s any twisted motive behind this. When I went down my dark path I think Satan just hijacked a predisposed preference in the same way he tries to twist something good like sex(though context being everything). when I first felt this I think it was pure curiosity. The idea of submissiveness/bondage always struck a chord with me. Especially in some hymns. IE Servant Song, Bind Us Together. I just find the idea of being helpless and at the mercy of another to (lovingly mind you) have their way with me very arousing. Or viceversa. I guess it’s not a fettish since I don’t think its an every time thing, but a “the thought really turns me on” kind of deal. And I think this a good trust building activity for spouses to think about. I don’t think its about control our manipulation, but about being helplessly loved on and surrendering to that.

    • RevvedUpandWaiting says:

      Seeing as how you were so honest and concerned about it, I assumed you had pure motives, you needn’t worry. And I figured you weren’t saying that sex had to be bound every time our it wouldn’t be enjoyable, lol. That would get dull & exhausting eventually.

      I thought of another thing that is debatable and yet a turn on to many women. even some stories on here pertain to it. It is the fantasy of being overtaken and even seemingly raped. Clearly these women on here have talked it out with their husbands and created a safe word, etc. I believe and I have read up on this too, that this fantasy stems back from wanting to be extremely desired. It is not about being hurt or someone not caring about your consent. It is about a person wanting you so badly they go out of control.

      I think a motivation for me to be submissive is that I am often in control and a dominant woman in my life. I have to manage and deal with a lot. So it is kind of hot for me to relinquish my control to my future husband. Any you D/s’ agree?

    • bj says:

      I think there are plenty of men who’d like to be forcibly ravished by their wife. As males are “the one expected to initiate” I think they’d like the feeling of letting go of control now and then.
      Thanks again for the reply and believing in the purity of my motives. I often question those when they have anything to do with sex and its counterparts.

    • RevvedUpandWaiting says:

      I can see that. Many of the stories on here include husbands who are normally somewhat dominant, being blown away by a wife’s spontaneity to take him by force. I think it is a fun idea to do both, hence why I am a Switcher. My friends say I am so a Dominant. But that is just because I am an alpha-cat type of person in many areas. I have had to help raise my little brother, manage a house when my mom was an alcoholic and my dad left us, and try to save money while my friends were gallivanting because we were broke. It has made me a take charge kind of person. But I don’t want to be. It is just the way I had to step up in my circumstances.

      God made sex and the hormones to go with it! We can’t help it that our hormones are in overdrive. I don’t know about you, but it feels like every year gets harder rather than more manageable. I have never been as randy as I am now. I feel like a ticking time-bomb. It scares me a little, because I don’t want to do anything stupid that I would regret. Also, if I did just decided to do it before marriage, younger me would be like, “What! You mean we could have been having sex this whole time!!!” lol So I don’t want to make all of her hard work for naught.

      And you are welcome, BJ. I can read people well, being a counselor. Granted I have to see a person’s eyes and talk to them for a bit to really be able to judge well. But I can tell you are a good guy. So don’t be so hard on yourself!

    • Passionate hubby says:

      I definitely agree. You are correct in thinking a domination fantasy can be because you desire your spouse so badly that you get out of control. (with her permission of course.) LOL

  2. Silver says:

    I’ll do my best to give a few answers to your questions. I think that kink varies a lot depending on the person you’re playing with. I may like something, but another girl wouldn’t. If you do want to explore BDSM kind of stuff with your future partner than first of all you’d better go through a hard and soft limits list together and discuss together what you want out of your kinky experience. Are you wanting to dominate or submit? I have an example list available in my book, Guide to Marriage Kink, and I highly recommend if you’re going to do something like that with your spouse to give it a read (it also include kinky couple stories from MH at the end as well). 😉

    Question 1 and 2: What are your favorite ways to be erotically restrained?

    Okay, so, this may sound funny, but I really don’t have a favorite “way” necessarily. Lord X’s tastes vary too, sometimes he likes to restrain me by using his own strength or he will have me handcuffed and ankle cuffed or hog tied or use other restraining devices. Some easy things to use without buying any restraints would be scarves, but I recommend if you use anything that requires knots (such as scarves or rope) to consistently check them to make sure they aren’t getting too tight and cutting off the restrained partner’s circulation. Another fun thing to try is spread bar cuffs. These will keep hands or legs at a certain distance and can be super fun and are a bit more intense than just simply handcuffing or pinning in place the sub, but they require a LOT of trust so probably not the best starting point item. Ropes can be fun and even artist way of restraining the sub, but know what you’re doing and again, BE CAREFUL about circulation. lol 😛

    Question 3: Gags.

    Okay, so gags come in a whole variety too. There is the very common ball gag, bit gags (very similar to horse bits, hence the name), and other uniquely shaped gags like the bit gag such as a dog bone or even oral sex gags that are specifically designed to keep the mouth open for catching cum, as well as mask gags that cover the whole face. I think that gags all depend on what you and your partner are doing or into. If you just want something for silencing the person, using a common ball gag is probably going to be your best bet as a good starting point.

    Stay safe and have fun! – Silver

    • CMLove says:

      Thanks for commenting, Silver! I always appreciate your wisdom and experience! I did have a little question for you, and I’m pretty sure you may have answered it already on another post, but which one of you (you or Lord X) first expressed the desire for bondage and submission? Or was it a mutual “Hey, we should try this!” “Yeah, let’s!”

    • Silver says:

      I guess the simplest way of explaining it is we slipped into our roles before we even realized that BDSM was an actual thing if that makes sense, both of us were raised in conservative homes (my husband was raised in a more conservative home than I was tho) and I didn’t know what BDSM was growing up, even though I’d always fantasized about kinky stuff in my single years. lol So anyway, that’s kind of how it happened…

    • bj says:

      Thanks for the comment Silver! Your book’s on my reading list, but i’m still at the parents. Not risking that being seen on my kindle carousal yet :p. If I take this into marriage it will be well thought out with the one he I marry. I don’t plan on getting hard core into this. No flogging sessions, maybe a few gentle smacks on the tail. Mostly safe bondage (yep I’m no idiot about circulation. I’ve been my own Guinea pig. :p). Probably at least try to role play. Star Wars bounty hunter pursuit or princess rescue LOL. Also please dont think me crazy/premature in my own equipment, but I already have quite a homemade toybox. My own creativeness is probably a blessing in both cost and discretion. Cloth cinch belts are really neat and safe, as are survival bracelets that clip. Kid hand cuffs allow for quick release if things go south. I’ve not yet tried to make a spread bar..And I think I see how it requires alot of trust. Thats a a very exposing and restricting position if I’m not mistaken? As for gags…(sidetracked question, why are they so arousing? Im not sure I know why having the mouth silenced feels so good. Maybe its because I’m made all the more helpless by being unable to protest?) Made a wiffle gag out of dog toy from Dollar Tree. That works awesomly since I can have an iffy nose sometimes. Though cotton bandanas are cool too, though mouth fuzz can be of a turn off. Duct tape is too sticky and unsafe I think. Much better stickless tape out there. Anyway enough of my rambles..
      Again, thanks for the comment/feedback!

    • Silver says:

      no problem, BJ! That’s so awesome you’re getting to know yourself now and what you want so you can better communicate with your future spouse. 🙂 I personally think a gag is arousing because it creates a lot of trust between the two players. I believe being unable to speak, so the dominant one has all the say is quite tantalizing and just affirms that trust between us lol I also wanted to add that BDSM or being kinky doesn’t necessarily mean sadism or masochism, or the desire to be disciplined/do the disciplining, it also can mean things like bondage with rope and being tied up, things that you are experimenting with right now. BDSM really is a broadly encompassing acronym for “bondage and discipline”, “Dominance and submission”, “sadism and masochism”, a lot of people into it aren’t even into flogging and pain play. Although I thoroughly enjoy some spanking and light whipping once in awhile, it has to be done right and I’m definitely not a pain slut about it. I’m personally into the “serving, pleasure pet sub” to my “Dominant Master” side of kink with some bondage and discipline thrown in for the adrenaline and endorphin rush. I think it’s good you brought up the extreme stuff because I know that in most sites you see on BDSM they really can go extreme. My husband and I don’t think the extreme stuff is healthy either. We believe extreme stuff loses sight of God’s design of what a loving relationship should be with ourselves and with our own bodies.

    • bj says:

      I can see how the trust angle plays in with a gag. To let another controll your mouth like that, trust is a must. After willingly getting tied up by my siblings and then being left in the lurch, and unable to speak, I very much see..

      Well, I’ve no interest at all in the mas/sad part. Being the curious person that I am, I’m very literate about the subject of bdsm and I’ve had contact with the extreme side online and it left me feeling quite I’ll..

      That aside though, I think it would be cool to make a “Christian” acronym. Something like bondage and dedicated serving master.Kind of flips bdsm roles slightly too and confuses the system. A Dom servant?. “I’m going to tie you up and pamper you and you shall enjoy it” LOL

    • Silver says:

      I sometimes wish the extreme stuff wasn’t included in the grouping, because I think the extreme stuff is completely different than safe, sane kink. I love that “Dom Servant” statement you made. I think it’s best in a D/s relationship when you “serve” each others needs or desires for x-y-z through your playing/interactions whether you’re the top or bottom role. Are you planning to, if you meet someone you’re keen on marrying, to let them know about the particular things you’re interested in/aroused by? I know being in a kinky relationship isn’t for everyone. I’ve known people who were very disappointed when their married partner was only interested in vanilla and had no interest in being kinky, and it can be a hard thing to accept, especially if you’ve fantasized about it a lot.

    • bj says:

      Won’t let me reply to your reply below for some reason,.
      Anyway, yes I’m definitely going to try to get it across on some level that these are the kind of things I get off to. And right now I’m in a long distance very serious friendship with a girl out in the Midwest. It’s moving steady but, broaching that in explicity might be a bit in waiting. Though she’s a really cool girl, she doesn’t blush about sex and stuff. She was homeschooled/conservative family from birth so she hasn’t quite got into the detailed stuff about sex if you will, but I see her grow in curiosity and I think I’ve had a good influence on her in that regard. (Sent her a link to a site called the marriage bed as well as acompilation of articles on godly sex/purity) So I think and hope she’ll find it a source of interest too. The fear of that rejection is in the back of my mind at times, but she’s a very open minded person who will challenge an examine long held traditions. Even if the idea’s shot down, she’s still one I wouldn’t give up because of that.

    • RevvedUpandWaiting says:

      That is so great! I am always amazed at people who do the whole long distance relationship thing. It is not for me, I know that. But I have heard some great things for other people. Even some of the couples on here started that way.

      Even if she rejects it initially, there is no guarantee she will reject it always. A lot of the wives on here needed a patient man who would wait for her to be open to different things. Some husbands had to wait 10 years just to get a blow job. That is a shame to me. But some people just need more time. A lot of women need to feel emotionally secure with their husband before they are even willing to start thinking outside the sexual box. They also often have low self-esteems or low confidence levels. The less confident a woman feels, the less likely she will be willing to be adventurous.

      So it is good that you wouldn’t ditch her just for rejecting that sexual idea. She may get into it later on down the road.

      Best of luck, BJ!
      M

    • bj says:

      10 years sounds like quite a while sometimes… Think there are days where i wish i had the flexibility to service myself and then no worries :p .
      But in total seriousness, God has tought me a lot of patience over the last few years. Especially about female relationship dynamics after going through a bad breakup with my first. Think i inadvertantly didn’t give her proper space and came off as overly clingy and pushing too much physical stuff (nothing impure, think she may have just had a heightened arousl to the physical and it bothered her. The real reasons, who knows. Hind sight is 20/20 , but no use agonizing over it.
      Speaking of hindsight though, I met this most recent girl because of our breakup (God works in strange ways..) So waiting on her won’t seem like nearly a big deal. Besides, if Jacob can work for 14 years for the woman he loved, who’s to say it’s undoable.

  3. CMLove says:

    Hi, Bj! Thanks for the post, it had some great questions! I was raised very conservative and this site has been such a big help that God has used to open me up sexually and to kinky stuff that I didn’t even realize I was attracted to until I was introduced to it in the Biblical way that it should be discussed….the marriage bed. I really like when my husband restrains me with his hands or with handcuffs. We have only just begun to play with bdsm so I can’t really share my experience lol! I admire your heart for God and for being holy before Him. He will bless that!

    • bj says:

      Thanks for your response! I find it funny how so many conservative Christians discover have a healthy kink in them. 😉 And to behonest sometimes I don’t feel so holy n heart. Lust is a tough foe to fully fight off sometimes…

      P.S. I never really thought about just using hands to restrain, but now it sounds kike an alluring proposition…

    • RevvedUpandWaiting says:

      BJ,

      I totally understand. Especially us being hormone-ridden 22-year-old virgins, it is hard not to control lust. I mean, I know I am going to wait for my future husband. I have had opportunities and invitations for premarital sex and I refused, wanting “him” to be the only one who can take me. But sometimes the hormones just drive me crazy and I can feel like having sex for like 2 months! That is what has been going on with me these last 2 months. I started working out harder so I could be more exhausted and not as “revved up” you might say. lol I started biking 60 miles per week, just to calm down. It has helped a little, not as much as I have hoped. But dang those hormones are powerful! I hadn’t been on marriage heat in months until this horny phase kicked in.

      I am surprised you hadn’t thought about the hand restraining idea. That is my favorite. Allowing the other person’s entire body to control you, not even other objects, just that person!!! That is the hottest part of the submission to me. Although, I am very strong, I would have to restrain my husband with rope or something, I think. I would prefer for him to restrain me with his hands, though.

      M

    • bj says:

      Don’t think anyone’s made a pass at me and I think I’d trip out if I ever tried to ask someone. :p
      I honestly don’t know if I envy your drive or what. I think my hormones have peaked and tapered out some, or at least are being well subdued by lots of work and lack of sleep. I also try to alleviate that hormone tension as regularly as I can manually(and praying at the same time is an awesome must), and that really help keep me lowered Hormonally. So yeah mixed blessing…less tempted to be stupid online, but I miss that regular high. I pray if I get married, that side of my life will be blessed, boosted, but stable.

    • RevvedUpandWaiting says:

      Definitely a mixed blessing. I am so glad I am not dating anyone right now. I would have to only meet him at my church for fear of attacking the poor fellow.

      My family jokes with me saying that my fiancé will have to take one of those medical stress tests before he marries me, just to be sure he won’t die on the wedding night. lol

  4. zach eastwood says:

    Dont know were else to ask this but the mrs and I are starting a little bondage, and was trying to find out how to tie her up with a neck tie. Not wanting to get into ropes and such yet. Any insight on starting out would be helpful.

  5. Passionate hubby says:

    Hi Zach,
    We have been enjoying bondage and romance for awhile now. You are correct to start out with neckties and they are soft. However, use a bow knot just in case you have to release her in a hurry for whatever reason. It happened to us and I had to cut a perfectly good necktie! You may want to use a necktie that you no longer wear just in case! I assume you guys have worked out both a safe word and a safe sign. If not, please do so.

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