Marriages With Lack of Interest in Sex

Marriages With Lack of Interest in Sex

Marriages With Lack of Interest in Sex

MH published a poll asking married couples to vote on the factors that hurt their practice of married sex. As the week ended,  we saw surprising results.

Many MH readers say that lack of interest in sex by one or both hurt their sexual relationship.

Why are loving married couples losing interest in sex?

Recently, an email was sent to MH about a couple married 25 years. In the last five years, they lost interest in sex with each other. They were on the verge of divorcing. The wife found MH and shared it with her husband. They are reading these stories, and they have inspired them to renew their sexual relationship.

What are some ways to increase hot monogamy in our busy lives? What do women need to do to stay hot their husbands? What do men need to do to stay hot for their wifes?

We welcome blogs or comments on this subject. Share how you stay hot for each other in comments or blog.

Click on a heart to thank the author of this story!

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36 replies
  1. Hopeful Hubby says:

    Honestly sometimes we are just so exhausted from work and being parents that we can go a few weeks without having sex,but when we do its hot and extra good. But since joining marriage heat this site provided us a realistic view that Christian sex can be hot and we still try to do other things like sending loving texts and sometimes even dirty ones during those dry periods.

  2. hubbabubba says:

    Going through a dry spell right now. Last episode she was not into it but said she wanted to do because it “had been so long”. Talk about a mood killer. She thinks it is ok, and that sex is an add on. Me, not so much. She is not interested in even reading the marriage heat stories. She says “I guess that would be your ideal wife wouldn’t it” I then fall into the pattern of sulking making the distance between us grow further. Then I am not sure if we are doing it so I dont sulk or if she actually wants to. Repeated talking doesn’t seem help as it is clearly my problem. Used to be better but after 20+ years, losing the glow. Is it worth fighting for? Advice?

    • CMLove says:

      Soooo worth fighting for!! I can’t really share experience as I have only been married for eight years but I do know God loves marriage and he put you and your wife together for a purpose! I will pray for tou, brother, and for your wife! God does great things when we pray, I do know THAT from experience! My heart hurts for you both, but God is good and He knows what your wife needs in order to wake her up to the beauty of sex with her beloved! I’m sorry I could not be more of a help. 🙁

    • CMLove says:

      Oh, Hubbabubba! One more thing! You mentioned your wife won’t read marriageheat (which I will pray for about because this site changed my life), I’m trying to get my husband to read some of the stories and right now he’s only been reading the “advice and community” posts, not the sex stories, but it’s a start! Maybe your wife would be comfy with that? Also, there’s a book by Lysa TerKeurst called “Capture His Heart” and God used that book to completely change my marriage for the better! I highly recommend it! It’s very short, with chapters only a few pages long, and the author also wrote one for men entitled Capture Her Heart, which you could get too so you aren’t just handing her a book and saying “You need this book!” She does, but it might go over easier if you try a different approach like a tram read. 🙂

    • hubbabubba says:

      It isn’t that she doesn’t like it or thinks it is wrong, she is just “meh”. I know that I need to do more of leading devotionals but if I do it seems like I am just doing it for the sex and that doesnt seem legitimate. Some of the stories on here are incredible and I think that some might be fiction, but unfortunately for some of us it raises the level of dissatisfaction seeing that everyone else is gettin it on! 🙂

    • Silver says:

      I’d definitely say that if this site and the stories cause more dissatisfaction in your current relationship, you should be super careful about coming here, or stick to the discussion side of it. I do believe you can reach changes in your relationship if you focus on honesty and romancing your wife. I think a problem MH can bring to someone who is struggling with their marriage sexually is wondering if they can ever “attain” what is represented on here in the stories, it’s more important to enjoy your spouse for who they are, accept them for where they are at and be honest with each other. I pray your wife will open up and realize there is nothing wrong with enjoying herself, you, and your marriage in a fuller way!

    • marriedman0217 says:

      In the past 10 years or so there have been times when things were pretty dry. Sometimes it was due to me being overworked combine with my wife thinking that I wasn’t interested in her anymore. Work can be a real buzz-killer. I had to make a little more effort to let her know that I still had the hots for her. It had been rare for her to initiate sex, so I had to encourage her to let me know when she was interested. When she would tell me that she was interested, but she was concerned that I might be too tired, it would get me going just to know she wanted me. I have to be pretty tired to decline an offer from my Sweetie, but I had to work to encourage her to speak up.

      Another thing that is very important and I have found to be extremely important is – location, location, location. Get out of the house and go somewhere away from people you know. We were back in our old hometown visiting the folks one time and I took her to a cheap motel on a Friday night just for a quick tumble. We just went at it and it was great. I’ve also been to some pretty swanky hotels too that provided a pampered feeling to my wife and boy did I get paid back. I would probably start with someplace you’ve talked about going and go do it!! If you have to kidnap her after work on a Friday night and buy clothes for the weekend do it,

      When you do get things moving tell her how much it means to you and much you appreciate her. My Sweetie is a pretty confident woman, but she loves to hear me complement her body and how much pleasure she gives to me.

    • CMLove says:

      Beautiful advice, marriedman! Completely agree- work canccertainly put a strain on sex. Like you said, honesty really makes a difference!

    • T Richard says:

      Wish I could advise you, but I am in the same situation. She always has a excuse, and now i am getting to the point of not wanting to ask for sex because i will be rejected..

    • marriedman0217 says:

      I hesitated for a few minutes before deciding to respond to this, so use your discretion before blindly following this. In the past when my Sweetie was busy with three small kids I would launch “The Raid of the Dawn Patrol”. I remember going to bed ready for my Sweetie and meeting with a lot of fatigue and disinterest on her part. I would simmer uncomfortably for a few nights and then it would just come to the surface and I had to have her. Very early in the morning before dawn I would reach over between her legs and start to work my fingers into her and see how she would respond. If I wasn’t assaulted I would proceed with the next phase of the raid and just take her. If I recall correctly, she rarely put up much of a protest and later after coming home from work, I might even get a smile of approval for the “Raid”.

      As I said though, you be the judge. A lot of factors to consider before launching an offensive of this type. Hooha and God bless.

  3. CMLove says:

    As Hopeful Hubby said, it’s often that we’re both too exhausted to even turn over much less jump on eachother! But, in those seasons, we try to have compassion on and understanding toward the other. Its hard to give of ourselves when we don’t feel like it but God is gracious and surprises us with energy to jump! It is hard to put in the effort to cultivate a beautiful marriage but think that saying is true, “the hard is what makes it great.” In other words, the rewards we reap from putting in the effort and giving of ourselves for our marriage is beyond our imagination!

  4. Naomi Says says:

    While watching a TV episode one night my husband randomly said, “Let me do you like that.” No, it wasn’t porn or anything outrageous. It was a scene of passion where the man pulled the woman hair and brought her closer to him. My first thought to his question was, “Try it and suffer!” The more I thought about how long it had been since he initiated anything sensual, the more excited about the idea I became. A simple, “Ok. you can do it.” lead to a night of amazing togetherness.

    I think wives should be more open to the sexual ideas and fantasies of their husband. Living in the Bible belt of the South, I talk with many wives who were married because they are the “Good” girl but they were also cheated on because their husband wanted to play around with the “Bad” girl. As wives we need to embrace the role of being a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets. Wives should not be ashamed or scared to initiate lovemaking.

    Complementing his wife could get a husband a long way in the bedroom. Their is nothing that can put a wife in the mood for sex faster than complementing her beauty and lovemaking skills!

    All in all communication is KEY!

    • CMLove says:

      Great advice, Naomi Says!! And a beautiful reminder! Wives have no idea how much power they hold. We need to fight for our marriages and the great sex that can come with it!

    • Laura Young says:

      That is where we were after just a few years. For us it was embracing my exhibitionist bent that helped us recover our (my) passion for him. I know many here will disagree with that though, which is ok. Find what makes you passionate again for each other! Sex in marriage is a gift.

  5. AshMFord says:

    I don’t think a marriage shold fail bc of sex. I suggest keeping it interesting. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t normally do.. (Like afternoon quickies in the office.) Be creative. If you do the same thing all the time it’ll get boring. We’re only human.

  6. Stag-on-a-hill says:

    I’m learning to lead my sweetheart in a new way and things have improved out of sight! There was a type of leading she really needed from me, that I wasn’t quite doing. One day it slipped out that she had the fantasy of being dragged away by her hair by a caveman and ravished. This got me thinking. Then I read some of the stories on MH and also became more aware of the whole dominant/submissive thing. Generally in our lives I am the leader and she loves following, but I hadn’t quite applied that to our sex life. I have fallen into the trap of trying to talk to her about our sex life, when what was needed was me just leading her – leading her lovingly, yet strongly. She finds that arousing. Knowing I love sex and I’m going to up the ante one way or another – and she may as well get used to it and just give in to me – that really turns her on! What she likes is really feeling my passion and strength and being about to relax and let me lead. Part of that is presenting her with a 4-page plan of what I’d like to see happen in our relationship (including her reading MH and sex most nights and a whole bunch of other things), and then discussing it with her. But discussing it with her is more like answering her questions, not debating things much. She basically doesn’t want to have to think much about it, or talk about it. She loves just being swept up in my desire and plans and direction and love. And she wants to feel absolutely loved by me. So instead of complaining about her low sex drive – I’ve just been strong, loving, endlessly energetic, positive, directing, planning, patient and prayerful. And bam, it works! I had to be consistent over an extended time, of course, but now its paid off. Go figure!! (Of course I know every couple is different)

  7. thoughtfulwriter says:

    My personal take is that there are more marriages lacking sex than actually have a healthy sex life. Like 2/1 in favor of those lacking. I think there are many reasons for this, so it’s hard to pin down just a few. In my particular situation, I decided a while back just to give up on the matter — there was no reason to push it anymore, as it was fruitless – and focus on the all the other good parts of the marriage. If at any point sex actually enters our marriage in any meaningful way, I’ll be delighted.

  8. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    That’s so sad. Equally sad when there’s hardly or no sex in the marriage 🙁 I think the women need to be a “magnet” for their husbands – dress well, put some make up and not look “slobbish”. Try to find out what your husband likes, I was able to find out what my husband likes, and what looks good on me to turn my husband on and that’s one thing.

    As for the husbands, they need to keep up their hygiene too but also tell their wives things like how beautiful they are, compliment them but also doing things, like helping out. Ladies also desire an emotional connection during sex. My husband would sometimes “warm me up” by complementing me throughout the day, but he everyday told me I was beautiful, or something like that – that NEVER gets old for me.

    Now for both spouses, dressing up could add some spice, including ladies putting on lingerie (classic, but it works!). New foreplay and lovemaking techniques can spice things up too. Tell each other what you what, always communicate – very important.

    • CMLove says:

      Terrific advice, Harper! Completely agree! Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s more like 100/100. I so enjoy your comments, sweet sister!

  9. Angel BI says:

    Hi everyone. I discover this site by looking for Christian website for married people. I have been reading the stories for more than a year now. Unfortunately i do not live this in my marriage. My story is very very long and i do not know where to start from. I grew up in a Christian family in the ways of the Lord and kept myself for my hubby. God blessed me with a wonderful man: hardworking, smart, God fearing. During the “waiting period” , i dreamt of the day i will finally bring out all the passion God has put in me, which i have kept all these years. in the Church i was in a hurry to finally make love with my hubby, but on that night it is as if something blocked me. It is true that though i thought about the moment i will give myself to my husband i was also a bit anxious about penetration….I do not know if it is only fear of penetration, or may be that i am not sexually attracted to my husband or may be the weight i gained and the way he reacted towards it killed my self confidence i do not know. I am very very confuse. We have been married for 2 years now, we tried only once and i did not even allow him to enter me. He has been very patient, but he also has a very strange way to put me down regarding the weight i gained, and even when he does not say anything his attitude is strange. We have been praying for this, but i am confused and sad that i cannot enjoy all the blessings of mariage. Please pray for us. Many thanks.

    • CMLove says:

      Hi, Angel! Reading your post made my heart hurt for you. I’m not sure why you haven’t let him enter you… maybe there’s more to the story and to the reason but I encourage you to work in that. Do either of you masturbate? Learning to “play” with myself really helped me warm up to allowing my hubby to play with me. No matter the reason, I will lift you and your husband before the King when I’m on my knees. He knows what you’re going through and He’s the best One for the job! Stay strong, sister in Christ! This is not the end!!

  10. yzack says:

    I think that many marriages with a lack of sex stem from hidden resentments- either on the part of the husband or the wife. In my case, the sex stopped almost 10 years ago because I did not do what my wife thought what was important. I had just come out of a very trying medical and financial situation that left me with very little money to start over with but thank God, my health was restored. At the time, I felt that using the money to provide us with a place to live was more important that spending it on a vacation. Turns out I was wrong. From that point on, the marriage was never the same. Wife hated me for that, and still does. She is leaving to go live with her family in Asia sometime in January or February, and never plans to come back. Since I did not take her on a vacation and spend the money there, she got back at me by taking in numerous rescue dogs without asking me first. In looking back, having these dogs put a tremendous strain on the marriage- especially financially. The cost and upkeep for taking care of these dogs went from our original monthly budget of $50 dollars per month (dog Food) to over $700 per month (dog food, chicken, rice, treats for the dogs) for the past 10 years. On top of that, she felt it was her calling to take care of all looses and homeless dogs in the area- so much so that at one point, she was taking care of more than 15 dogs per day- our 7 at the time and eight on the street. I tried to reason with her to not do this, but each time I was told she was doing this because God told her to do this and If I stopped her, I would not be following God and would be punished.

    • GoingToPutHimFirstB4ICourt says:

      yzack, I am going to give you one piece of advice, and this is all I’ll say. this is my first comment, and possibly my only one for a long time, but I felt God wants me to say this. Take her on that vacation! Try to move towards what she wants.Try to see it from her point of view. Push as hard as you can to fix your marriage. Don’t give up. If she does choose to leave you, then then you are free, but don’t be the one to leave first. Number one priority should be to honor God with your actions in finding and repairing what has been lost.

    • CMLove says:

      Hi, yzack! I completely agree with you. Trouble in the marriage bed is usually because there’s trouble elsewhere in the relationship. I may catch a lot of disagreement for my comment from others but I believe, Biblically, your wife is not being wise. Even if she did want to go on a vacation years ago, if you, as the head of your household, feel that it would be better spent on other things, she needed to step back and let you me the man. Sure, she would have been upset, but in 1 Peter, God says He values the woman who has a quiet and gentle spirit and He will not bless a woman who is resentful and does things to spite her husband. I would do all within your power to save your marriage. I’m sure, over the years, you have both said and done things that you need to repent of: first to God, then to each other. So that might be the first step. And then telling her you miss her and you love her, the ladies always like hearing that 🙂 However, I would NOT go into debt just to take her on a vacation that she had no right to demand in the first place. Marriage is a team effort. It takes three to make it work….you, your wife, and God Almighty. God is always willing to help, I will pray that your wife be willing also. May God bless you as you follow Him!

  11. CMLove says:

    One more thing! I’m sorry if I’m coming across too strong, but concerning your wife and her “calling” from God to keep all these homeless dogs, her first and foremost calling is to love God with her whole heart. Her second calling is to be the kind of wife that God commends. Therefore, if she’s not doing these two things first and foremost, then she should not be concerning herself with any other calling. The Bible says, “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.” My own application for this situation: if keeping this many dogs is causing you to sin by neglecting your calling as a wife, get rid of the dogs.

  12. Eva says:

    Awhile back, I wrote a blog on here about how we overcame a dry spell in our marriage. https://marriageheat.com/2015/06/19/sex-vs-sexual/

    Sometimes I think these dry spells and this lack of interest really is mostly just about sex, or about some sort of shame surrounding our sexuality. But sometimes it’s about things that are so much more complicated than that. Sometimes it’s a problem with the friendship that does or does not exist between spouses. Sometimes it’s about the fact that one partner or the other is somewhere else on the sexual orientation spectrum and so desire just isn’t going to be there no matter how hard you try. Sometimes it’s about verbal abuse that one or both partners don’t even recognize because it has been a norm for so long that anything different is unimaginable. Sometimes it is about physical pain that has gone undiagnosed or not dealt with.

    If I had to say one thing that has made our sex life as healthy as it is, I would have to boil it down to communication. And I know that word doesn’t sound sexy or fun at all, but it is really the truth. Walls and I have always tried to talk about everything. We talk about sex 100 times more often than we actually do it. We talk about how each other’s words make us feel. We talk about how we relate to each other and to other people. We talk about our dreams and our goals. We talk about our pasts. We talk about how our parents marriages affected the baggage we brought into our own marriage. We talk talk talk talk talk. And…I don’t know if I need to clarify this or not, but we also listen. It isn’t just that we both talk, but we both know that when we talk the other is going to do everything in his/her power to be present and to try to understand and accept what is being said.

    And at least for us, all that talking and listening and all that depth of friendship and trust that has been born out of all those years of communicating well has paid off in huge ways for us in the bedroom.

    So for us, and I’m guessing for a lot if other people, the health of our sex life actually has very little to do with what happens between the sheets. Not to say that friendship and communication will fix everyone’s issues. I don’t think that’s true. But I do think that friendship and communication can open the door to being able to discuss and hopefully address the real issues in a way that really can’t be substituted with anything else. And if you can’t talk to your spouse, if you don’t feel safe enough or free enough to do that, it really might be worth going to see a marriage counselor or a pastor or even a couple who you are both friends with who have a good marriage who might be able to help counsel you through some early stages of healing.

    Good sex isn’t an individual sport. It’s a team sport, and at the very least you need to have your spouse on your team. But also, as this site demonstrates, sometimes having others on your team as well isn’t a bad idea.

  13. Hopeful Hubby says:

    I feel like I need to say this but sometimes we read stories on this site maybe secretly wishing that our wives and husbands were that adventurous or open but the reality is not many couples have sex everyday and if there are well Amen to them but speaking for myself and my wife we try to be spontaneous by trying toys but not all the time so it doesn’t get boring, but most importantly we communicate about what we want like touch me like this or grab this. We have stayed hot not because we are young but truly find sex as a sort of extension to the I love you’s,hugs and kisses we share to show intimacy even during those dry periods.

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