Pacing a Relationship

Hello, MH!

It’s been a while since I wrote a post, but I have some questions regarding the pace/speed of a relationship. First of all, everything is going well between my girlfriend and me. We had a few bumps, but we’ve managed to work through them and keep God and His will our focus.

My first question regards the pace of our relationship. We are both young adults so I want to seek advice from others with more experience. We want to wait until we’re done with school before we consider marriage, but is it wrong to discuss it now? We know not to make a primary focus because that can lead to discontentment of the present and lead to no remorse for possibly committing sexual sin because of a “we’ll do it someday soon anyway” mentality. I just want to know is it wrong to say that we’re committed to each other no matter what without an engagement or marriage. Is that limiting God’s will to what we want? We both feel that God’s will is for us to be together, but can that change? Why would God allow us to get this far if it wouldn’t work out anyway?

My other concern is a bit trickier. My family and her family hold different views about pacing. Her family is more spontaneous, while mine is more structured. That leads to my family wanting us to slow down while her family is okay with thinking ahead. I’m not saying either is right, but what if they’re personalities never mesh? Is it wrong to marry into disagreeing families? I know the bible says to leave your family and cling to your spouse, but is it biblically okay to knowingly marry into that controversy? Where is the line for marrying a person despite family “drama?”

Sorry for so many questions. I’ve just had this on my heart for a while. Thank you for your help, and God bless!

-PM

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5 replies
  1. LoveGoddess says:

    I wouldn’t get too caught up in worrying about “meant to be’s” and whether or not it will work out in the future, etc. While God certainly is intimately aware of us and has an individual plan for each of us, a lot of what we do in this life and the happiness we bring into it comes down to our own agency. God trusts us enough and has faith in us that we can make important decisions, especially in regards to our righteous desires. God will always be there to guide us, and through the Holy Ghost we can know if a decision we have made is right or wrong. If we are earnestly seeking His wisdom and input in our lives, then we will never be lead astray. We will always be warned if something isn’t right. At the same time, you will find that we must first make decisions and take an action before we receive inspiration and answers. Faith is a very active word. Sometimes we may not receive a profound answer in the way we expect or an immediate answer, but rather than feeling paralyzed by this we should still move forward in faith.

    Love is also an action word, it doesn’t simply fall into our lap by destiny. We CHOOSE love. God may have brought you two together, but since that time you have each chosen each other every day and chosen to cultivate a great, Christ-centered and compassionate relationship. If your girlfriend is the woman you have chosen for your life partner, and if this is what you feel in your wisdom is the right thing for each of your lives, then commit to that decision without fear. Have a conversation with your Heavenly Father and talk to Him about your decision and that you feel it is right and that you would like to move forward with this, and He will certainly answer you. A confirmatory answer may be in the form of you not feeling uneasy about the decision. Or you could feel a calm and peace in your heart. Our Heavenly Father knows us each individually and thus He speaks to each of us differently, but eventually you will know if a decision is wrong or right.

    As far as having some family drama, I wouldn’t let that deter you. All families have drama. While it would be more peaches & cream if everyone always saw eye-to-eye, there are always going to be obstacles like this, and I think if anything it will draw you and the love of your life together. In the end your spouse needs to be more important than other people and what they think. I don’t feel that it is wrong to marry into disagreeing families although it may be difficult at times. I have a really good friend whose family didn’t want her to marry her current husband and there was so much drama all the time, but she knew that he was the right one for her. So she made that decision for herself. In the beginning it wasn’t always easy, but eventually her family came around. In the end it’s your life and happiness. If she’s the woman for you and you know it, move forward in faith and leave the rest to God. It always works out in the end :).

    Hope this helps some, just my two-sense from a lot of life experience, trials, and making important decisions. You’ll do great & God bless!

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    God never changes, and I personally think putting off marriage is not a good idea. I think you answered your own question when you mentioned leaving your parents to cleave to your spouse. That’s YOUR marriage, and your parents should mind THEIR OWN marriage. It’s good to think ahead but not too far ahead in case something happens that’s our of your control. Pray about it and I’ll pray for you too 🙂 Don’t worry you’re not asking too many questions, we’re all here to help one another 🙂

  3. CMLove says:

    Great to hear from you again, Paul! I agree with the comments above. The Holy Spirit is within you and your girlfriend; if you feel He is telling you to commit to each other, do it. I know I have mentioned this before, but my husband and I got married when we were both nineteen. It was a HUGE hurtle for his parents because they wanted him to finish college and they wanted us to see other people for a few years to “make sure” we felt God wanted us together. Through much prayer and confirmation from the Word, we decided to move forward in marriage and we were blessedbeyond our imaginations. We never regretted it. In my personal opinion, when God says “get married” you do. It Doesn’t matter who is against it, if God is for it, you are in the right place. Now, I don’t know your situation, so I am not saying through caution to the wind, I think I’m just trying to say, “if you feel God is leading in the direction of marriage, move forward in faith and confidence!” Stay strong, brother! And be encouraged, your MH brothers and sisters are praying for you!

  4. HornyHubby says:

    Definitely not “wrong” to discuss your relationship now. In fact I would encourage you to discuss your relationship with each other as much as possible.Many times people hide parts of themselves, their history, their family, etc and wait until after marriage to reveal it. So after marriage you find out they weren’t a virgin or they still struggle with porn or they were sexually abused as a child, etc. That stuff needs to be discussed before the marriage. Otherwise you will begin your marriage with deception and frustration. Imagine you are thinking when you get married you will have sex all the time and you are looking forward to this, but she is dreading it because she was abused as a child. That needs to be dealt with now. She needs counseling and you would need counseling together eventually. But even it if isn’t that extreme, just discussing your expectations. Is she okay with talking dirty, oral sex, etc? What has she been taught about sex? What have you been taught about sex? If you’re expecting regular blow jobs and she thinks that is gross, you’re going to have a problem. Go ahead and find out what your views are on that kind of stuff now so you can talk thought it. For instance, if she thinks dirty talk is wrong and you want to do it. Talk about that now and get your views on that lined up so neither of you are disappointed later. Same goes for each of your views on masturbation, various positions, etc. Obviously you are on this site so how does she feel about you being on this site? Has she read the stories? How does she feel about the various things people do? Especially the more risque stuff like having sex in a public place like a park or in someone’s office? Texting each other sexy messages and pictures, stuff like that. It’s better to find out each of your views on this stuff before the marriage than after.

    And if you are concerned about sexual talks leading to temptation, then plan a date night to go to a restaurant. Ask for a table in the back and sit across from each other. That way you are in public so nothing can happen.

    Concerning the family drama: This is another area to deal with before the marriage. Because I can tell you from experience it will only get worse after marriage. So set the precedent now. That means come up with a plan with your girlfriend on how to deal with both of your families in a way you are both comfortable with. Then both of you stick to it no matter what! It isn’t wrong to marry into drama (and it’s more common than not to have family drama so you really can’t avoid it!) but you do need a game plan together on how to deal with it. What happens after you get married and her family wants you guys to come to their Thanksgiving meal and your family wants you both to come to theirs. You need to decide now how you will handle that. Either hers for lunch and yours for dinner or vice versa. Yours on Thanksgiving Day and hers on Friday after. Whatever. Because, again, it will only get worse after marriage. And it will be harder to establish a new tradition after you’ve done one thing for several years.

    The main thing is to communicate with your girlfriend and you come up with a plan you can both agree on when it comes to how to handle family. And then agree that neither of you are to back down from it. So if you agree on your family for Thanksgiving lunch and hers for dinner, and her family starts complaining to her about missing lunch, she doesn’t need to give in to that and come to you saying, “But they really want us to come for lunch.” If that’s what you agreed on then stick to it. And the same goes for your family. This makes the two of you a team and it prevents the two of you from getting into an argument over each other’s family. So arguments like, “You never did like my mother did you?” can be avoided. So marry into it, but have a plan with your girlfriend first before she becomes your wife on how to deal with it.

  5. Loved by my Wife says:

    I recommend you listen to a pastor named Mark Gungor – markgungorshow.com is his podcast.
    Here is my philosophy in a nutshell:
    Postpone dating because you have not decided whether you are responsible enough for marriage.
    Postpone engagement because you have not decided whether your girlfriend is wife material.
    Postpone marriage because you can’t get your venue today.
    Other than that, go for it.

    Why are you waiting until you are done with school unless one of you needs prove they are capable of finishing? Statistically, married men do better in school. Do you think you will have more time to spend on your spouse when you are trying to start a career rather than when you are trying to finish school? Personally, I think it is easier to spend time with my wife than it was to spend time with my girlfriend/fiancee (a lot less driving & late nights now).

    Marriage made everything easier – except sex. Sex was easier before we were married. We just didn’t do it. Contraception was the same way, but i think those are small prices to pay.

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