Journey back from painful sex. Needing advice about orgasms!

I found this website two weeks ago, and it has such a blessing already!  The reason that I am throwing my story out there is because I am desperate for advice, and I have prayed for answers for four years now.  My husband and I often say that our marriage would be perfect if our sex life was great.  (How sad!)  We were intimate while we were dating, and the sex was amazing and adventurous.  We had grown up in church but truly found the Lord in college.  So, we stopped everything as God expected, and we were soon married one and half years later!  We had high expectations for our wedding night and truly believed God would bless our marriage because we honored him after we submitted our lives to him fully.  We were incredibly disappointed.

Sex was painful.  No matter how gentle my husband was, or how much foreplay we prefaced it with.  It HURT!  I quickly lost my desire for sex, and dreaded the advances of my husband.  It’s sickening just to see those words on here.  Fast forwarding to now, we have been happily married for 4 years!  However, this has consistently been a struggle (as you would expect), and my husband has a very very high sex drive.  To make sense of some of this, I found out I had a cyst, I’ve dealt with endometrioses (but I believe God has almost entirely healed me of this.  Praise Him!), and because of that combination, vaginismus is my personal diagnosis.  I could literally feel my muscles tense up with stress when sex was mentioned or hinted at, and it got so bad that my husband couldn’t even penetrate my dry and constricted body.  It was rejecting him, and it was pure agony.

Over the last year, my husband broke.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  He was desperate and scared he was going to lose control.  He was being constantly tempted with porn, and confessed it all to me with hope that I could change.  He loves me dearly, and I love him with all of my heart.  It was a terrible moment for me to see my husband so sad and hurt -all because of me.  We have worked very hard to only create positive memories around our sex life, and I have mentally been training myself to respond positively at the thought of physical intimacy.  Additionally, I researched ways to naturally treat my cyst, and it worked (check out castor oil packs for a true miracle worker).

So today I come to you, who I consider experts for what I need now!  I found quickly that the stories on here help me TREMENDOUSLY!  I can picture my husband I trying new things, and without the pressure of being “in the moment” I can allow myself to imagine truly us together with none of my insecurities, or fear of disappointing him interfering.  I have been initiating sex and making flirty comments.  I even use a few “new” words to get him going.  His mind is blown haha! 😉

So now, here is my secret.  I have never had an orgasm.  I remember one time that I could feel my body trying, and I couldn’t get to release.  My husband doesn’t know this, and he never will.  It would crush him beyond repair.  It’s never really bothered me because I guess I didn’t know what I was missing out on.  When I read these stories, I realize how much I want that and need it!  I am becoming very aware of how I don’t feel totally satisfied (physically), and my body doesn’t get the release it’s designed to get.  I have never masturbated, and when I’ve tried, I get bored quickly.  I believe that my lack of orgasm is more of a mental challenge than physical. I can’t just “let go,” maybe my body is scared to because that’s caused pain in the past.  I don’t know what to do, or what else to try.  Please let me know what you think, and if you have any advice, please share it!  I want to know the physical euphoria you all talk about TODAY! 🙂

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9 replies
  1. Rab Keth says:

    Wow! That is quite a journey. My Beloved and I have had a similar journey with pain during sex and the whole emotional gamut that comes with that. Beloved had many of the same reactions you did and I had MANY of the same reactions that your husband had.
    Orgasm can be a tricky thing, and everyone's bodies, triggers, chemical and physical makeup can be so different as well. We had our own issues and chalk it up to the fact that there was SO much expectation, SO many years of pain and the accompanying mental reactions, and SO much importance placed on "normal sex"
    We made some more emotional mistakes and then hit upon an idea. What if we made it just about being together and pleasing each other however it happens. If it is just snuggling, great. If it's "heavy snuggling" (groping and grinding while snuggling) and that's in then that's fine. If we have sex and only I cum then that would be fine as well. We tried to focus on the miracle of just being together and that took the pressure off of her.
    Our whole world changed after that. With time and the pressure off it took a while, but it revolutionized our sex life and the way she experienced everything.
    Again, there's many ways to get there, but that seemed the most healthy and "holistic" for us.

  2. Eva says:

    Wow. What a story! And I'm so glad someone finally posted a story about the journey back from vaginismus on here. There have been so many questions about it in the past and so few people who have stories of overcoming it.

    Anyway, orgasms. I'm not an expert on this, but I do know that my orgasms have increased in strength tremendously when I started doing Pilates and other core and pelvic floor strengthening exercises. Our day to day life in our modern culture doesn't do much to strengthen these muscles, so we need to be intentional about strengthening them. However. If you've never done exercises like this before, or if it hurts to do them, get yourself a live human instructor to get yourself started. Core exercises shouldn't hurt and if they do, you are doing something wrong. I ran across a book on Amazon a couple months ago called "The Coregasm Workout" by Debby Herbenick. I bought it but haven't read it yet….but it looks like it explains the connection between exercise and orgasm a bit better than I'd be able to. It looks like the book also talks about women who experience orgasms when exercising, not just when they are having sex. Haha. I can't say I've ever experienced that, but it certainly does sound like a fun reward for a good workout….maybe I better start reading….

    Anyway, one simple little trick I've learned when my orgasms seem elusive is to tighten up my pelvic floor muscles, especially the ones in the rear near my anus as much as I possibly can. It's like a magic trick for my body. As long as I am warmed up and my clit and g-spot are being stimulated, and I'm thinking some nasty sexy thoughts, my orgasm usually happens within a couple minutes of tightening those back muscles. Tightening the front muscles can help your body grab your husbands cock better and thus can also help your stimulation. And, although we haven't actually tried this yet, I read last night that a husband tightening the same muscles in his body will make his cock do "cock-ups" (haha, push ups for his private parts, love it!) which can help stimulate your g-spot, which can also do wonders for your orgasm potential as well.

    The other thing I'd ask is what different ways you've tried to masturbate. Some women like the vibes, and so maybe someone else on here can talk about that. Personally, I'm not usually a huge fan. Usually, I get one coconut oil covered finger going on my clit and the other on my g-spot (donut shaped spongey ridge on front wall inside of vagina), I think About my favorite dirty fantasy (sorry, not telling you that part, it isn't marriage heat approved), and I just relax into it for several minutes. At some point I'll start tightening the pelvic floor muscles. As time has gone on, this contraction has become more involuntary, which I think, if our bodies are working the way they are supposed to be, it ought to always be an involuntary reaction….but, like I said before, for me, I have often had to be very intentional about getting the muscles to start do their thing. And also, like I said above, my orgasm usually follows pretty quickly (minutes, not seconds) after contracting those muscles). Sometimes, if I'm finding my orgasm especially elusive, I find that concentrating on deep, quick breathing (like you'd do at the end of a workout) or thinking about one specific dirty thought or dirty word over and over again will help push me over the edge.

    I've always used my fingers, but for Christmas my hubby got me the pure wand stainless steal dildo from njoy….and, I have to say….it's changed my life. So if you've got a special anniversary or something coming up, it might be something to think about. But I wouldn't suggest investing the money into that particular dildo until you've figured out the irgasm thing a bit on your own first.

    You should definitely go find your first orgasms on your own, you really need to figure that out about your own body. But, once you do, you might have your husband read "she comes first" by Ian Kramer. My husband blew my mind with how easy my orgasms got after he read that book. Or, heck, maybe you should read it. It might have some stuff in there that you could use on yourself. ?

    Anyway, Good luck! And please keep us posted!

    • Eva says:

      They don't appear to sell it on amazon. (Gasp! When does that ever happen?!). The only site I know of that sells it and all of the other products in the njoy collection is
      goodvibes.com

    • ShowHerLove says:

      Eva I love how much emphasis you put on fantasy. I know for my wife and I if we're finding it difficult to bring the other to orgasm even just talking about our fantasies makes a world of difference when it comes to breaking through that wall. And yes some of our fantasies aren't MH appropriate either!

  3. PacMan says:

    Two reactions:
    1) Totally agree with Eva. Go get yourself an orgasm. Masturbation that ends with fireworks will never be boring again. Don't be afraid to be adventurous in your alone time. Use oil, fingers, vibes, dildos, shower heads, …whatever works.
    2) You are likely correct that telling your husband right now might be devastating to him, and I think you can probably wait on that. But likely thing that will do more damage to your relationship is carrying this secret with you for years. Right now I'm thinking about the 10 year story, not the 4 year story. my advice would be to start a journal right now. I have the first chapter of your journal say outright, "I am over 4 years into my marriage… and I've never had an orgasm." Write out your feelings, and the fact that your husband doesn't know, with the fears of how he would respond if he knew. Keep writing throughout the whole journey. Right about the different types of masturbation and ways that you are seeking an orgasm. Write about the first orgasm. Write about your second (and likely) better orgasm. Share what you are learning about your body. Write about the first time you have an orgasm during intercourse. Share about your growing desires. Be 100% honest and open. One day, it might be months from now or even two or three years from now, you will want to tell your husband the truth. The secret must be shared to find freedom. But a game-changer will be handing him this journal and letting him read your explicit journey. It could be very healing… and maybe even wildly turn him on. And if you are emotionally honest in your journal, he should be understanding why you needed to take the journey on your own (always with the intent of letting him know every detail eventually).

    • Eva says:

      PacMan- I kid you not, I was bawling my eyes out by the time I finished reading this journal idea of yours. What a beautiful idea.

  4. Florida Couple says:

    We had similar issues as you describes pain wise. We don't know what was causing the pain, no doctor she went to seemed to care enough to investigate. The repeated advice she got was to drink some wine, take alleve, and suck it up. Nice huh? That came from several doctors, male and female. Despite three kids, I was about where your husband was.

    This went on for about 11 years. We tried every lube out there, but nothing worked. Then we discovered the Hitachi Wand and she had her first O, but intercourse was still painful. Next we discovered coconut oil. That changed everything almost overnight. Now we have intercourse, often vigourous as she likes it that way, 3-5 times a week. She can O from the wand, and occasionally oral, almost everytime. She has never O'd from intercourse, likely after years of intercourse associated with pain…I don't blame her. Remember, she went many years before she ever had her first O.

    I don't know why coconut oil works while nothing else did, but I'm glad we discovered it. Don't give up, our sex life is now awesome. Often, she is the instigator of sex nowadays which still amazes me after all the years of her avoiding sex.

    She never faked an O when we had trouble, and to this day never has. She tells me "why would I do that, it would just encourage techniques that do not work." I see her point, I don't let her continue something that's not doing it for me, why should she. I tell her what I want and expect her to do the same, neither of us are mind readers. Personally, although it would upset me if I found out she had been faking O's, I would rather know so we could figure out what's going wrong. However, you know what's best for you and your husband. I wish you well, just hang in there.

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