How to Have a Healthy Courting Experience?
Hi everyone,
I was just hoping to get some advice on how to have the best courting experience without falling into sexual sin.
I’ve recently met someone, and we connect on all three primary levels (faith, personality and physical). The problem is we are both not virgins but desire to abstain until marriage. We both come from tough backgrounds, and we know it is only because of God’s grace and love that we are together- we want to do this right.
What are practical things we can do to ensure this happens?
Well, I was in a somewhat similar situation when I began with my wife. I don't know your definition of courting or its particulars (and there are many), but I too wasn't a virgin when I met my wife. She was a virgin though very passionate and looking forward to the wedding night with as much anticipation as I and I knew what I was "missing".
There were three things that helped us most:
1) making that commitment to sexual purity to each other, out loud before God. Declare it to one another as a non negotiable. It is a hard commitment to keep, but very worth it. It might be good to reaffirm that commitment regularly.
2). Praying about it together. There were many times where we had slipped past other safeguards and nearly screwed up and one of us would be willing but God kept the other one strong. The Bible says that if we ask anything according to His will then He is faithful to do it. Sexual purity is according to His will so He will deliver you an out or keep one of you string when the other is weak.
3) (and this might be only something few can do) Get married sooner rather than later. We went from Beloved saying I had to wait six months to ask her to marry me to two months, from a two year plan to getting married to 9 months. Again, that isn't for everyone. In our case we knew that we knew. Paul says, "if you burn" and…we burned for one another. Every relationship is different and I can't comment on it for yours as such but I know people who "court" for years and years expecting to stay pure and familiarity leads to breakdowns. It is easier to "suffer" when you know the end is near.
There are plenty of resources for "tips and tricks" in courting like never being alone together, having a designated "on call" chaperone to keep you both honest, etc. The above three things worked for us and our situation as the bedrock.
I completely agree with #3. If you are on fire, go for a short engagement. But, that works best when you knew each other before you became romantic because you already know the family/character you are marrying into.
The other thing i would say is that you can always make up for going too slowly (though it isn't always easy to turn off the sex=bad feelings), but once you break new ground with each other, it is hard to undo. Don't have any kind of sex – the oxytocin will mess with your head.
One of my favorite speakers always says "marriage isn't about finding the right person, it is about doing the right thing." Meaning that you shouldn't get too excited about being compatible – the most compatible spouses are still sinners saved by grace. He also says "Sex makes you stupid." meaning that once you start having sex, you are binding yourself to one another – better to do that with a ring on your finger after you have made sure your partner isn't a loser with a gift for acting.
In my experience, when my husband and I were courting, we were never at each other's places alone, we went to public places (i.e. movies, restaurants) and if we were at each other's places our parents or family members were always there. Until we were married, we only kissed, hugged and held hands and only touched each other where it was appropriate at the time in other words, hands off the private/erogenous zones. Hope that helps. God bless you and I wish you all the best, dearie!
In most cases everyone looks at the way THEY handled courtship and think it's the best model. Some people avoided kissing until the alter, and they tend to think that's a good goal for everyone. Some people (like myself) were more liberal in our boundaries, and I have no regrets or feel like we were sexually impure. (Spoiler alert: None of us are sexually pure. Sexually abstinent, yes. But sexually pure? None of us.)
In my case, my future wife & I were both virgins but had some physical activity from past relationships. My boundaries were pretty loose (no sexual intercourse before marriage) and her's were tighter (no kissing until we are engaged). She likely did not even intend on keeping her boundary – but I admire that she put the bar in a way conservative place, knowing that would only help in the long run.
We were both college grads in our 20s with full time jobs and our own apartments, so the onus was on US to have self control. We started real slow. One truth you can carry is that a physical relationship is *progressive* – i.e. it almost never goes backwards.
So, with that in mind, we didn't hold hands until we were dating for over 2 months. Our first kiss came at 3 months. We started doing some minor dry humping at 4 months (we were both very easily orgasmic). I didn't touch her boobs until 5 months. And we did a bit more vigerous dry humping at that point. We were seeing each other in private almost every single day of these months, so the pace is actually moving slow before we would take another step physically.
We got engaged at 7 months, and pretty much just plateaued at that point physically. We were not temped to have actual intercourse. In fact we didn't have oral sex or handjobs until after marriage either. We really enjoyed the physical bond we had during our courtship.
Now, that's MY story. I'm not saying my choices are right for everyone. You have to live your life and own your decisions.
If I had any practical advice, I would say remember the progressive nature of physical relationships. Try to enjoy each baby step. I also echo what Rab said in the idea of keeping your courtship and engagement as short as possible. If you found "the one" then start your life *together* and don't worry about having every duck in a row before you walk the aisle.
"If I had any practical advice, I would say remember the progressive nature of physical relationships. Try to enjoy each baby step. I also echo what Rab said in the idea of keeping your courtship and engagement as short as possible. If you found "the one" then start your life *together* and don't worry about having every duck in a row before you walk the aisle."
Amen: this bears repeating.
I agree with the above but would also like to add one very practical advice that may help; masturbate and have an orgasm (or as many as you like) before you see each other. That takes the physical desire down a couple of notches for a while.