Spouses of Abuse Victims

Before I get “on subject” I want to thank publicly whoever is in charge of Marriage Heat for its existence.  The site has been quite a revelation for my spiritual life and my married life.  In simplest terms, Marriage Heat has confirmed all of the thoughts about how God feels about sex and sexuality in a monogamous relationship for the thirty-eight years of my life.  So inspired, I have had a desire to begin contributing first in this way and then eventually onto tales of our own Hot Monogamy.

A few months ago, I decided to add a few Christian marriage podcasts to my regular playlist that I listen to as I go about the small mundane aspects of my day.  It didn’t take long for me to find myself getting outraged at them.  Why?  Every one of them barely scratched the surface on marriage.  As I described it to my wife, they seemed to be geared to white upper middle class or higher couples whose greatest difficulty in their marriage is being too busy and/or too exhausted to be together.

I understand that those kinds of marriage podcasts help people.  I don’t doubt that they can be a blessing.  Yes, it is important to make a commitment to make time to be together, to make each other a priority in the marriage.  However, any time they got any deeper than that surface “first world marriage problem” they’d say “Well, for this you just need to see a marriage counselor, and we won’t cover that here.”  I even went as far as to email the hosts asking if they could, at least, encourage those in tough situations.  Their response was, “We have no plans to cover that in the future.”  While I suspect that they don’t cover tough situations because they may fear lawsuits…as Christians can’t a guy get some encouragement?  Does the Bible have nothing to say about when life throws your marriage a curve ball, and it all goes to some semblance of “hell”?  I mean, they were Christian podcasts after all.

So, here I am putting my money where my mouth is for one particular demographic: the spouses of abuse survivors.  We ache, we hurt, we bleed emotionally, we go through it too, and we are often overlooked. Brothers and sisters, hang in there.  God loves you, and He isn’t going to abandon you one bit.  It can be rough, but you are not alone, and His grace is sufficient.

I’ve been married to “Beloved” for sixteen years now.  I count myself fortunate that before we even officially started dating she told me that she was a sexual abuse survivor.  She told me who, she told me how, and she told me how long.  I’m not one to praise myself, but I am amazed at the time that I didn’t even flinch.  She cried, I held her, and I assured her that I wasn’t going anywhere because of something that happened like that.  We were married a little over a year later because when you know it’s from God, you go after it, and I was sure.  I still am.

Thing #1:  It’s not your fault.

 

To those who have beautiful marriages where both partners are completely without trauma, this may seem like a no-brainer.  To those of us with partners that have endured trauma, it becomes a mantra where the logic is apparent.  Nothing can prepare you for the times when you orgasm, your wife orgasms, or you even bring up something sexual, and she triggers.  She screams, cries, throws you out of the room, hits, throws things, etc.  The worst is right after sex, and everything seems like it went well. You’re basking in the afterglow, about ready to drift off to post orgasmic napping and you hear her breath shudder as she’s trying to keep it in.

 

It’s easy to take it personally.  It took me years before I fully accepted that it wasn’t my fault.  I remember shouting matches where I’d go off on how she didn’t trust me, that she thought I was just as bad as the perpetrator, and I thought she would have known me by now.  It was all because I felt guilty.  Something I did hurt her.  I had to be the one at fault.  I scared her during an intimate act.  It didn’t take much for me to think it was my fault, that I was the monster.  Realistically, it wasn’t that she didn’t trust me personally.  I had a stupid idea in my head for a while that it was me, and she could have perfectly normal sex with some other guy.  No.  She couldn’t have trusted another guy.  

 

It helps to remember that I am the one Beloved chose.  I was the safest option out of many.  She felt safe enough to marry me and have me daily in her life.  “Safest” because victims of abuse don’t get to feel safe all the time.

 

Thing #2:  You’re right.  It isn’t fair.

 

There is much that spouses of abuse survivors have to deal with regularly.  I don’t mean to make it sound as callous as that.  Beloved isn’t something I just “deal with”.  Words are failing me there, so I’ll use more than two.  

 

On top of the trigger events, on top of never feeling fully trusted, on top of feeling like a monster you aren’t, on top of actively hating the perp who you can never exact revenge on, on top of somehow wishing that your nine-year-old self could have somehow magically teleported to where she was and somehow intervened, you get “deprived” of things that many couples seem to consider as normal.  Certain sexual positions, certain sexual activities, even something as simple as kissing a particular area are just “verboten”, completely off limits.  Except…you want it.  You crave it.  And that’s where pornography gets doubly dangerous for us.  

 

In my life, it’s oral sex.  There is likely never a situation where I’ll come home, and my wife will drop to her knees, pull out my cock, and enthusiastically perform and swallow happily with a devilish little smile on her face.  And, yes, it’s not “fair”.  Porn seemed like a “safe” place to get some facsimile of a fix, but that leads to worse things.  It turns your heart and mind into thinking, “Everyone else is getting it practically on demand.  What is the big deal?  Why can’t she just do it when I could apparently get it anywhere else”, forgetting of course that she was traumatized.  It’s like being pissed off at having to accommodate her if she was in a wheelchair.  A husband getting indignant about having to get something off a tall shelf for a wheelchair bound wife would be ridiculous.  Fortunately, I had that realization pretty early in our marriage.

 

Thing #3:  No.  It’s never over.

 

It does improve.  It never is fully over.  You go through and deal with it each time it comes up.  Maybe it’s more appropriate to say “we, as a couple, get better at dealing with it” each time it comes up.  It will, as sure as the sun rises, come up again and again.  Sometimes it takes a year or more.  Sometimes it’s from week to week.  Sometimes it’s a bit of column a and column b.  You can go years with your sex life mapped out (i.e., we can do this, but not this, and this but not in that way) and then one day it can all change.  

 

Beloved and I spent years where her going down on me was perfectly fine.  She was finding different ways to do it, even got a little enthusiastic about it, and I was as happy as a lark.  One day, it triggered a horrific memory she hadn’t realized she suppressed, and that was the end of that.  Once we spent a year without having sex because I had made her feel unsafe by quitting my job.  We didn’t think it was related to the abuse but later realized that sealing shut the “gates of heaven” wasn’t a usual reaction to that sort of thing.  Your spouse’s’ feelings of guilt and shame especially regarding sex will keep popping up and threatening to boil over.  And that’s just the reality.

 

Thing #4: Yes, you deserve a medal, not that you’d ever ask for one.

 

Being the spouse of an abuse victim is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.  While it seems like other couples are bouncing along in a perceived state of bliss you can often wonder if you’ll ever experience that, especially in the early years as you go from trigger to trigger tripping over landmines you didn’t plant and never knew were there.  I can personally guarantee that if you stick by them and if you turn to God and hold them up in prayer, year after year it gets better and better.  Things that triggered them for two full days before they feel safe again will take a day, then eventually half a day, and then an hour.  It’s hard to put yourself second.  It is hard not to take things personally.  It is hard to watch your spouse hurt when it seems like you’re the one that pulled the trigger.  It is hard to choose to love some days when your pride and ego can get smacked into the dirt.  It’s hard, but it is always worth it.

 

Thing #5:  Encouragement.

 

You are amazing.  Your love is not a tepid love, not a surface love, not self-serving love, or you would have been out the door after the first trigger incident.  You didn’t have to put up with this.  It’s not something you had to commit to.  But you did, and that makes you awesome.  You love your spouse with a love that endures.  You’re at least ¼ if not ½ of the 2 Corinthians 13 love chapter because you choose to be for your spouse.  Keep going.  Another surprising thing is that your spouse isn’t blind to what you do and who you are for them. They may not know how to express it, but I guarantee that they know their issues and that it is not now and not ever easy for you.  Also amazing: God is for you.  He has created you for this person.  As much self-doubt as you may have from time to time, He uniquely equipped you to walk through this fire with your spouse.  He will not abandon you or your spouse.  It may be that you are the living embodiment of God’s defiance against a trauma that threatens to destroy him or her.  

 

Thing #6:  Advice.  You probably need it.

 

I was not able to talk to other spouses of abuse victims to get their advice early on.  Every scar has a lesson attached to it because I tripped over something or foolishly launched myself headlong with more enthusiasm than sense into a dumb place.  

 

First, you need Jesus.  I honestly have no idea how non-believers make it through a relationship with an abused spouse.  There have been too many times where I am at the end of myself; I can’t do anything to make it better, and I turn to Jesus because there is no place else to turn.  Also, prayer, for yourself and your spouse.

 

Secondly, get counseling.  If you have any doubts about receiving counseling from a professional, it is a likely time to overcome them. They are there for you BOTH.  Having someone who has a vested interest in preserving your marriage, and that you can talk to honestly is huge.  Beloved and I admitted early on that we needed help and do so, again and again, every few years.  That third detached perspective helps a lot.

 

Thirdly, read couple’s books together.  Read to each other; discuss your opinions and/or what might work.  Some of our most non-sexually intimate times have come from that.

 

Fourthly, don’t give up.  One of the surest ways to make your spouse feel safe is to declare that no matter what, divorce isn’t an option.  If you mean it and show it, that can be quite the bedrock for your marriage.  I can’t count the times Beloved openly has wondered why I stay, why I don’t get a “normal girl who would be less screwed up.” Abandonment is a real fear for abuse victims, and whatever you can do to mitigate that fear goes a long way.

 

I hope that this helps and encourages.

 

 

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26 replies
  1. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I'm so sorry for that has been going on but you are very intelligent. Both my husband and I were molested, so that makes us both spouses of an abused victim. I was hurt at age 10 by a couple who were friends of the family, and my husband was hurt by an extended family member at 12. We both had therapy right afterwards ans were healed before we met. Because of that our sex life has been amazing, and once a few years ago my husband actually spoke at a conference for male victims, and I was so proud of him. We actually ended up making love that night too and the reason I tell you this is because you can still have a great sex life despite the trauma, just like we did (and still do). How is your wife doing now? Talking really helps, and of course prayer is a no-brainer, that's what got us through it as well.

    • Rab Keth says:

      It has been a struggle that tends toward getting easier every year. Abuse is a tricky thing that way. You can think all is well and an issue may just be resting beneath the surface. Beloved endured multiple forms of abuse for two decades as that it was a parent, so therapy, counseling, prayer, talking and such have all been helpful but not a cure-all. I often think of the long term effects of abuse as a car crash. Beloved was, figuratively, in critical condition, and I was injured but stable so her healing process is going to take a lot longer, understandably.
      We do have really great sex (can't wait to write more stories), but as I said I've had to learn to look at intimacy as something more than just "penetration". There are seasons where everything is good, we hit a groove, can't get enough of each other, "fireworks" barely does it justice, and it's complete awesomesauce. There are also seasons where she can't do any more than spooning, or this sex act is off limits for a while. I went through a long season early on of feeling betrayed by that. Thankfully the Lord led me down a path that showed me there can be JUST as much beautiful intimacy in spooning, holding hands, or running my fingers through her hair as in having a loud, panting, sweaty, gotta-change-the-sheets-we-got-so-messy session. I know not everyone will understand that but…the Lord gives us exactly what we need and I definitely needed that. 🙂

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Dear Rab,

      Thank you for all you share – so honest and open. I'm glad for the way God has preserved you both! I rejoice with you!
      I enjoy reading your comments too. God bless you both. LH

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Wow Harper!

      I rejoice in God's mercy and His power to bring restoration and vitality. Your testimony is wonderful! LH

    • Harper Shelby Thornton says:

      Thank you, LH. I actually have a story about that if you'd like to know more. God has always been good to us.

  2. paul walker says:

    I just want to say thank you for this post. It seems like I'm Christian churches we only want to deal with approved sins. Abuse etc is off limits. Thank you for your testimony! My beloved was not sextant advised but was physically and mentally abused and we have had to deal with it on our own. There's no Christian sorry group and most marriage books deal with more surface level things. Thank you again for a extremely helpful, brave, and well written post.

    • Rab Keth says:

      I'm very glad that it blessed you. And yes, I agree, there are so many places where people are broken that the Church (at large) does not address. It's uncomfortable to talk about, uncomfortable to deal with, but Jesus calls us to bear one another's burdens…and we have to figure out a way to reach them. We went to so many Christian Counselors who half way through our first meeting they backed away and said, "Nope. We can't help you. You need someone else, somewhere else," until we finally found a pastor who was willing to dig in and do whatever it took as many times as it took. So, they (people willing and able to help) ARE out there and I thank God for them.
      I just want spouses of abuse victims to know they aren't alone. At all. And we are all struggling, doesn't matter if it's sexual, physical, mental…it all hurts. It all damages, and it affects more than just the victim. A lot of the "attention" is on the victim, and rightly so. Often times the spouse of the victim's pain, their struggle, their confusion, goes unnoticed. You are not alone. And I very much appreciate all my brothers and sisters who struggling alongside their spouses.

  3. HornyHubby says:

    Thanks for posting this. You had some really good suggestions for spouses. I also thought your suggestions could be applied to other situations with other forms of abuse. (Physical, emotional, etc.) I myself was never abused sexually or physically, but I did experience emotional abuse. And as I read your post I found myself connecting with it and agreeing with it. Especially when you talked about experiencing triggers that can come even years later when things have been fine. I have experienced this as well. I shared your post with my wife so she could benefit from your suggestions. Thanks again for this post.

    • Rab Keth says:

      I'm genuinely glad it touched you. I was scared that the post might just sit up here and help no one. It is always great to hear that there are other married couples out there walking hand in hand through the minefield.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for your story! Everything that you wrote about are things that I have experienced with my beloved. It really gives me a perspective on the whole situation. Me being young and inexperienced, I fell victim to the "effects" of being with a person who was abused. Everything you talked about is something that I have experienced in my 7 year relationship. Well written and very helpful. Thank you again!

  5. Hurtinghusband says:

    I needed this. You are right, there is little to no help or support to the husband that no matter what he does may not get to enjoy a physical connection to his wife without fear of triggers or worries that it will be the last time for a long time because of how it makes her feel. I'm at the lowest point of my marriage and it's so tempting to give up. I hope more writers share their experiences with this pain and how they handle it.

    • Rab Keth says:

      I can't tell you how happy I am that this was here for you to find. Granted, I don't know your details, but I know the lows. I'm not some perfect guy who was always in his right mind during the low points. I got fed up. I considered bailing. There were so many times where one of us looked at the other and wondered out loud why it was so hard and would it ever get any better. I came across a quote by Brother Lawrence who in his personal struggles with sin he turned to the Lord and humbly prayed something like, "Lord, if you do not change me how can I be anything but what I am?". I claimed that pray for my marriage. The Bible tells us that if we ask for anything that is in line with His will then He is guaranteed going to act. You staying with your wife through this terrible time and coming out the other side better for it is ALWAYS in line with His will. Once I started praying, "Lord, if you don't change this situation how can it be anything but what it is?" and invited Him to change not just her but my heart as well, whatever that meant, that was when things shifted. Things with the Lord take time, but it always ends up better than it was at the beginning of the trial. I regularly remind myself that the Lord is the only one who could take a broken pot, glue all the pieces back together and it end up even better than it was before it was broken. The creator of the universe is FOR you in this. Know that I'm praying for you, brother. And when it gets hard, run to Jesus. He will be what you need and, wonderfully, if you ask He will be in you and through you exactly what your wife needs as well. Pax.

  6. Jerry W Harris says:

    Did not know this site existed, interesting.
    We got married in 1968, yes 48 years ago. I sensed something was wrong in our post marriage relationship but could never put my finger on it. I went through the "we had sex before marriage stage" thinking that was it….NOT, but one must realize that the trauma from that is very real and must be dealt with the Redeeming Blood of Jesus. Unlike the life story here, I did not find out that my wife had "Issues" that she fled her home over and it is those and others that have come out subsequently in the last 10 years of our marriage.
    It is hard to find a cure when there is dishonesty in the relationship. The last 35+ years have been crushing upon my spirit, it has kept me on my knees, she neither wants or initiates relations and refuses when I ask. She has physically injured me more than once, and psychologically repeatedly, she even got her degree in psychology so she could figure out what was wrong with me, and now she has me "pegged" so she can move on and feel totally justified in her dealings with me, "I deserve what she dishes out."
    She got "saved" first, then prayed for my salvation, but prayed that God would not call me into the ministry. God who has a sense of humor did call and I answered "Yes" and now after 39 years of ministry I am still begging my wife to search the Word and develop a God centered paradigm of what marriage should be.
    I have all but given up hope as to ever having a truly biblical relationship, I am tired of her parents hand-me-down experience.

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Oh Jerry! Sorry for your pain. You know from your ministry experience that we can go through long trials that we just can't fully wrap our minds around with understanding

      All we can do is trust God – and keep trying to be the right spouse.

      I can't imagine the depth of pain you have had

      I hope MH can encourage you by reminding you that you are not crazy or abnormal in what you desire!

      May God continue to sustain you! Happy Good Friday! LH

    • Jerry w Harris says:

      Having someone else understand that I have tried to do the right thing is enough to bring comfort, don't need and don't want coddling, just understanding that it hurts to love as Jesus loved, (after all He died for the sake of Love), just pray I measure up.

  7. ServantLeader says:

    Thanks for sharing your experience Rab Keth. Childhood sexual abuse creates complex emotional scars in a woman. Combine that with the brokenness that a man brings into the marital covenant, and it can be difficult to overcome. I depend on Jesus for the right words, tone, and compassion. My wife is not the enemy. I pray others will be encouraged by your words. Relying on Jesus for guidance, strength, and grace is the only way.

  8. wife&mom says:

    Thank you so much for posting this! As I read this I cried like I haven't in a long time. It made me realize some things about myself and also how to share with my husband that he means more to me than he will ever know. I pray for you and your wife.

    • Rab Keth says:

      I am very glad that you were blessed by it. It's a subject never far from my heart, as one might imagine and I firmly believe we don't have nearly enough avenues to find healing and share experiences in a safe way.

  9. Waggs1 says:

    I know this was posted 2 1/2 years ago, but you could be talking about my life. We have been married 41 years and it has gotten better over time, but there was about 30 years of extreme frustration and fighting. I was the first person my wife told about the abuse (which took place multiple times a week from age 8 to age 12) and that was about 6 weeks after we were married when things started going south.

    We have been thru a couple rounds of counseling, but none of them would touch her abuse issues.

    • Rab Keth says:

      I know this comment was about a year ago but…;) I'd encourage you to read my post on Karezza. To find it I think all you have to do is click my name. I can't tell you how much the game changer it is for survivor relationships because it takes sex and puts it in its rightful place. So often we wrap our identity around our sexual relationships which creates an atmosphere where there is bitterness and fighting. I don't know if it's the answer for everyone, but it revolutionized my relationship.

  10. Stephen Lynn says:

    I am glad I found this article. Neither my wife nor I have experienced any abuse, but we have many friends who have, and who have confided in us about it. This helps us better understand their journey, and will help us to minister to them as God opens further opportunities for communication. Thank you for your wise instruction.

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