Erotic Ecstasy In Estonia – Part 2
After our sexy time, we fell asleep around 9:30pm. Then, at about 5:45am, we were already both wide awake – I guess our body-clocks had still not adjusted yet to the different time zone. The sky was just starting to get lighter – they call it “Astronomical Twilight” and it was absolutely beautiful!
My husband got up to fetch the TV remote and he was so hot and sexy as he had a brief stretch and flex. I did mine on the bed while he sat next to me as we watched the early morning news.
“I can’t pick when you’re sexier – dancing for me or stretching on the bed. You’re hot either way especially with that hourglass figure of yours, beautiful face, and those lovely soft breasts.”
As my husband sat on our bed, I got behind him and rubbed his shoulders, slowly and sensually and he breathed in an aroused manner. He then did me as I lay down and stood over me on his knees and rubbed my shoulders and then my breasts. I love how my husband feels my breasts.
“Would you like to sit on my lap, my sexy wife?” Asked my husband, sexily.
I knew that by that he meant his cock. Smiling, I let out a turned on “yes”, I sat over him on my knees and slowly moved myself on his cock before we embraced each other tight, enjoying the feeling of our bodies pressed against each other from the head down with his man part inside my ladyplace. My hot husband kissed my neck as I slightly tilted my head backwards, then back upright again as I exhaled, very aroused while I gently touched his head.
We slowly, and sensually kissed on the mouth, caressing each other all over. My sweet husband ran his hands around my waist, moving them up to my breasts as he lay back down so I then slowly lay my body on his as he embraced me again. We continued to kiss and caress one another before he started moving around a bit. It felt so sexy to be on top of his hot, sexy body as his man part was bucking up into my ladyplace from under me, giving us both pleasure. I climaxed as my husband thrust a little faster while I massaged my sweet spot on his pubic bone.
After I had a quick recharge, my husband rolled on top of me again. This time our kisses were passionate and we could not get enough of each other as always. My husband thrust as passionately as he kissed me, and because of the sensitivity of my ladyplace, I came again and even stronger, also because my orgasms are stronger when he’s on top.
My pelvic area quivered as I cried out, wrapping my arms around my sexy husband tight, loving him so much! My whole tensed up and my head tilted back as I climaxed. My husband felt my breast and went even harder as he lovingly clutched me and grunted in orgasm.
We were truly exhausted when the orgasms subsided. We lay side by side in each other’s arms close and tight enough that my breasts pressed against his chest. We shared a kiss on the mouth. By this time in was 7:30 am and the sky was now a beautiful blue with a bright yellow rising up from the horizon. We didn’t fall asleep again, we just kissed and cuddled while watching TV again until around 8:30.
Very hot story my dear friend. Ben and I are at the emergency room with Alicia and Trey. She was having false labor pains. Her blood pressure is a little high , so they are going to monitor it for a couple hours. May keep her overnight just to be safe. Gotta feeling it is going to be a long night. She is sleeping at the moment as contractions have eased. God bless!
Praying for Alicia and baby! Thank you for the update Gina! LH
SO sorry I was late to respond, I'm so sorry about Alicia! How is she now?! Poor precious Alicia! My daughters twins are due in August and I hope this doesn't happen to her! – I'll pray for all of us.
Harper, as has become my custom – especially with your stories – Here is my "Hot Spot" from this story.
"It felt so sexy to be on top of his hot, sexy body as his man part was bucking up into my ladyplace from under me, giving us both pleasure. I climaxed as my husband thrust a little faster while I massaged my sweet spot on his pubic bone."
I'll tell you why I thought this part was especially the "Hot Spot" of the story. You two were doing something a little different – you were both experiencing the penetration with a slightly new sensation. The thrusting felt different for each of you. I know when I'm on the bottom – depending on my freedom to move – the thrusting for me takes more powerful effort. But it helps when my wife is moving more in concert – where both of us are creating the thrusts. Some of my favorite fucks have been when this happened – and also because it was not planned for us to get into that position.
Another part I liked from this "Hot Spot" was "while I massaged my sweet spot on his pubic bone". I absolutely love it when my wife is – for a synonym for "massaged" here – is "masturbating" on my pubic bone! It is like she has become a part of it – as she presses so hard as she is cumming. I love feeling the power of her core absolutely losing all control as she vents all her sexual energy against my pubic bone. Sometimes it is so hard – it even hurts a little. But, I must say it hurts so good!!
So Harper, all of my comments here have made me so hard!! Even though I just said things about this being unplanned – I actually want to plan this for my bride and I – even tonight!! I think my pubic bone needs to be used as a massage tool tonight 🙂 PS – also love the grunts, too.
Thank you for all your contributions here on MH! I know you have more stories than I do now! There is a good reason for it too! 🙂 God bless you and your hot hubby. LH
I'm so glad, our sex life has been amazing since and wedding night and we ain't slowing down!
Part 3? I hope so!!!
I'm sorry to disappoint you, my brother but there is no part 3 here 🙁 But i do have 3 stories scheduled, so keep an eye out! P.S. I hope you get to have fun with your wife tonight! Thanks for sharing what you like again 🙂 Personally we like it when he's on top, but the variety always makes it more fun! I personally love it when he offered for me to "sit on his lap" when he meant his penis! I couldn't resist that! God bless you, brother!
Thank you so much LH. Alicia and my soon to arrive granddaughter are doing fine. They released her a little after 2 am this morning. I spent the night at her and Trey's apartment so Trey's nerves can settle ( lol.)
I got home around noon. Ben had called in and was still asleep. Ben and I are going back to their apartment a little later this evening to check on her.
Thanks for the prayers my dear friend. God bless you brother. ?
Thank you Gina – keep us updated
Grateful for God's mercy
We'll keep praying
God is blessing! LH
Definitely wanna second LH here – sending big blessings Alicia's way! May you all be shielded and sheltered and mightily blessed! 🙂
Ps: Dear LH, sorry for not having shared anything new about the potential love that I had hoped to have found but the guy flickered out on me with no word as to why… he just stopped talking to me at some point and left me waiting for a reply that would never come… so I unfortunately had no further updates to share and celebrate with y'all at the moment. I have heard it said by "relationship advice givers/dating experts" that one should not get all excited about potential love matches and tell everyone about them and get all celebratory about the fact that one has a potential love match because it may be the case that this potential may not work out and then it will be embarrassing and all… but I must say – and I have spent time thinking it through – I don't care what these advisers/experts suggests for mainly this reason: If I would not get excited about a potential love match anymore because it could go wrong sooner or later and in the end not become what I envision or hope it to be, then I would let fear of failure practically ruin the blessing that I am supposed to enjoy in the moment I'm given. I wanna praise God and celebrate every good thing I get to experience on my journey by His grace. So, even if this one good thing was not yet all I had hoped it to be, it was still a blessing for the time being – and I take it as an encouragement by God to keep going and not give up, for one day, suddenly, He will cause me to run right into the ultimate blessing that He has prepared for me and that I have put my hope out for – and because of His faithfulness, love and grace along the journey, because of all that He will have taught me through it, all the greater will be my praise, rejoicing and appreciation then. His will, His way. 🙂 Much love to you! God bless!
Passionate,
I like the way you have chosen to wear your heart on your sleeve – just being who you are – and trusting God for the right moment! Your hopes and joys are in the right place! God bless you! The mystery of God's timing is a wonderful journey – as long as He is our true, ultimate hope. But we get disappointed – if we're married or single – when any idol replaces God as our treasure. I'm so glad you are not in a search for that treasure – just waiting for God's timing for your husband. In the meantime, keep serving and worshiping withe joy and gladness – and keep being the right woman for the right man. You are not in hiding. You know so many joys right now already. Your voice here to your MH family is such an encouraging one. We are blessed to know you and learn from you. Thank you Passionate! Just one of your many brothers and friend on this journey, LH.
Dearest LH, Thank you so much! You always bless my heart to its core! I am so grateful that God has graced me to know you and all my other beautiful MH family (dear Blondie, CMLove, Ben, GG and Alicia, Eva, Silver, ladygarden… I hope I haven't missed out on anyone in counting it up <3 ) – you are meaningful and special to me, some of you being to me true and dear friends to my very heart and soul, and I thank God for you! Through this blessing, this loving and kind, unique Christian community that MH is, you do so enrich my journey, and my single self as well as my Christian self have been impacted in many beautiful, positive, valuable ways by what God has gifted your hearts to give and by who you are in Him. MH holds a place in my heart that God set apart for it.
Thank you for being greatly encouraging to me always, LH!! It means a lot to me – the heartfelt support made available to me is much appreciated and cherished! I'm grateful to God that He's got me anchored to Christ because I do have moments when I'm vulnerable on the inside of me and when a failed attempt at finding my love occurs in such a time, it happens that I fall into feeling low and discouraged and frustrated… my soul, cast down… my hopes, temporarily crushed but not broken… and I realize, that it is in these moments that God does His greatest work on me – presented with the choice to give in and give up, to settle and lower my expectation, or to hold on and refuse to let this failed attempt be the end of my quest and dream, I am grateful that God has got such a hold on me that He helps me fan into flame anew that undying hope and He helps me remember His amazing touches along my journey thus far and He helps me stand on His promise, on who He is, and learn to trust Him yet a little more, yet a little deeper through it all… Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not doing too well in this process of growth but deep within me I know that God is just cheering me on big time in Christ and that He is just so proud of me, as He is of each and every one of His kids, as we step out with Him into the new, the unknown or the shoes that are still too big to fill for our current self – giving everything that we are and all that we are not, or not yet, into His perfect care… I'm so grateful that the Bible makes sure we know that God is rejoicing over us! We are His beloved.
I was blessed to be back at my church home in TX a few weeks ago and whenever I'm there God outdoes Himself in showering me with His goodness and love throughout my stay – it completely amazes me every single time – He graces me to have so many sweet moments at my church and with the people, and these moments (shared with Him and the people He blesses me to know there or come to know there) are the biggest personal blessings to me. The sweet fellowship that I get to experience is to me one invaluable blessing of God. One personally extra special moment occurred while I was there and I can share it with you… While in service I saw a gentleman, whose name I will just omit, on the other side of the sanctuary to where I sat that day. I've met him for the first time last year while I visited and he is single, older than I am, and active in the men's ministry at my church. I consider him to be a friend. I know a bit about his journey and I am very proud of him for his walk with God. I haven't had the chance to see him again up to that day in service. So, after service I headed over to him to say hi and he right away recognized me and was as happy to see me again as I was to see him. It's such a personal blessing to me when people do remember me – God is so incredibly good to me in all of this! As I greeted him, we hugged – and this hug he gave me was one of the greatest personal blessings I have experienced on my visit. Yes, something as simple as a hug totally swept me off my feet. He held me so tight in his manly embrace – it was so beautiful to me!! I felt so loved and safe in his strong embrace! He didn't give me a little pass-by hug; he graced me with a big hearty hug and held me for a (to me) wonderful amount of time that I deeply cherished. I even got to cherish this amazing hug of his twice because he did it again as we said goodbye. It was absolutely amazing to me to experience for the first time in my life how it feels to find myself in the loving, strong embrace of a man of God! He so blessed me by it!! And I actually told him a few days later about just how special this hug of his felt to me and how he blessed me through it, about how his hug made me feel so safe and loved, and how finding myself in his strong embrace was just how I imagine Jesus to hold me in His arms. That and my prayers about the then upcoming men's conference made him feel so blessed in return ?
I have imagined quite a few times how it would maybe feel for me to find myself in the arms of my future boyfriend/husband, and I SO LOVE the thought of hugging, but none of my imagination could have come close to that one moment in time God blessed me to have right there after service with this gentleman I'm blessed to know, in his strong, manly, loving embrace. Time stood still for me, on the inside of me, as I soaked in on how divine it felt to me. I did not expect to receive such a hug but God so surprised me with it and it was supremely beautiful to me! An unforgettable moment that greatly blessed my heart! ?
Dearest LH, thank you for your friendship on this journey – it is a matchless blessing to me! God bless you greatly as well as our MH family and friends!
With love always,
PfC
You missed me! And on my own story! I'm hurt! Haha, just kidding, honey God bless. I hope things go well with Alex, me dear! Do keep us posted
Oh goodness gracious… I truly missed ya, Harper – how could that happen?! lol Love ya, dear! 😀
At the moment, I have a little trouble assessing where Alex and I stand in this relationship… It started out so perfect for the both of us, the communication between us was free and open and it was everything we had ever hoped to find in a relationship… it was the miracle I had been praying for… then he had to travel and the communication suffered, which I had to push through and stretch to stay fairly stable through because communication is the most important thing to me – I need it to be open and honest and just simply there… I can deal with basically everything that can happen in a relationship as long as the communication line is intact and working smoothly. As you may have followed in some of my other past comments, I first feared that the way of communication changed on his part because he may have not liked my looks that much, as he happened to travel right after I had shared for the first time how I look (face and body, clothed of course)… he assured me that I should not worry about it and I chose to believe him… and, well, I can now share with you all that I will never have to worry again about whether a man may find me physically attractive – I'm sure I'll get some criticism with what I'm about to share now but I don't regret it and my heart has been pure about taking the step I took – one day, I decided to surprise my sweetheart in a special way… he was away so long already and working so hard, and trying to keep in touch with me every now and then on top of it (which is not always easy 'cause I'm quite the communicator), and so I wanted to bless him in a special, personal way… for all the work that kept him away from home, I wished to make sure that he gets some proper play-and-relax time too, and so I've written him a lovely mail and included a picture of my bare chest (nothing artistic, just plain old me, but I loved it because it looked sexy to me already, so I thought he must like it too… no face with these kinds of pics, of course… I took it some time earlier just for me, but was open to sharing it with my sweetheart someday – and I deemed that day to be the day). I wanna say clearly that Alex never asked me for any such thing, and I didn't do it to get a confirmation that he would find me hot or anything like that. It was a gift of my heart to his, a pure act of love from my heart, just wanting to give. I didn't hear anything back about it right away, which didn't bother me – I was confident that he would feel blessed, for this was what it was meant to be: a special blessing. Alex is back home by now and we've picked up some mutual conversation anew – he discovered my surprise to him only the day after he got home… it didn't display on his phone but he found it as he scrolled through my mails… and he was amazed, he said it was a gorgeous pic and that surely any guy would love to have that body riding on top of them. I was happy 'cause he was blessed. In addition, I now know without a shadow of a doubt that God made me way hot for any guy who dares to take a chance on me… any guy would obviously be majorly blessed to have me to hold and to delight in intimacy with. So, that was a good moment. A challenging moment for me at the moment is that it feels to me like he keeps a guard up which makes communicating difficult – 'cause I am sharing in personal ways, extensively, just like I always do and did from the beginning with him, and he is as good as not letting me behind that guard… he shared freely in the beginning and it somehow seemed to change then a bit and I believed it to be because he was on the road… but still now that he's back, the communication feels to be hindered by something I cannot manage to pinpoint right now… he isn't answering any personal question and I'm ok with that for a while (I realize that not everyone is as crazy bold as I am in going all in with trusting someone from the start… and I don't do it naively, I rely on God in these things… and that's just how God wired me: I give my best from the start – trust, love, faithfulness… – all people basically have to do is respond to my giving by receiving it… it's that simple with me… I get it from God into my heart and I give it… the only risk people have to bear is losing my trust when I find out that I may be played with or taken advantage of… my love usually remains no matter what… if I ever felt love for someone, I will always love that person)… anyways, there comes a point where I would love to know one or the other personal thing about him, and I would love for it to come from him, freely given, just like I share by freely giving, freely sharing… It feels to me a bit like he or someone around him may have induced doubt into his heart that something like what Alex and I shared cannot really happen… it feels to me like somehow someone may have kinda told him he shouldn't get his hopes up about it because this is just some "online interaction" – and it hurts my heart because Alex was not that way when God brought us together – he was open, passionate about the opportunity, fearless, unstoppable (the MH admins can testify to that themselves)… all his many emails from the first few weeks prove it loud and clear to me… and now it feels like he is trying to not expect much, to safeguard himself from potential hurt or whatever… I've sensed a few times in what he shared with me that he thinks he is not good enough a man for me, and I have always made sure that he knows that I love him for who he is – that he is perfect to me just the way he is… and I am serious about this… yes, I know there is much he hasn't taken heart yet to tell me but I have thought it through so many times, thought about everything that could be behind what I don't know yet, but the one reason which trumps all others for me is simply that I have come to know Alex through his heart and soul by God's Grace and his heart and soul, the man I've come to know in the first 3 weeks of our relationship (before he began to hide behind this wall of his) was my miracle. I have love in my heart for him that comes from God – how do I know: because even though, my heart has hurt at some points in the relationship already and I'm not getting all I want all the time, my love stays the same – God has given me an unconditional love for Alex, and it is just as much amazing to me to have it in me. Alex told me recently that before I say that I love him I should know him a little better… that's a defense mechanism of his in my opinion (it never disturbed him to hear "I love you" from me in the first weeks and I professed it consistently, sincerely, meaningfully always because I found it in my heart and then I choose to stand by this love I have for him)… and I said to him that he is right about that but, I told him, that I've tried all I know to do to get to know him better, I've encouraged him to share from his story, I've encouraged him that his real self is what I wanna discover and lavish with love and understanding, I've asked questions that were left unanswered, so I told him that he is the only one who could let me in behind this wall of his, he is the only one who can give me a chance to really get to know him… and I told him that I long to know him, just the way he is. I've written him one big email in which I lovingly confronted everything that I sensed to hinder this relationship from flowing the way it used to be… If he only knew how understanding I can be – all it takes is him taking heart to share… and I'm ready to love and encourage him through most anything. So far in my life, I've never run out on finding the good in anything. I don't know what to do… maybe I push the commitment too much… on the other hand, he was the one who made a vow to me in the first place… he committed to me… and I've given him possibility to tell me if he reconsidered whenever I sensed something to be different but he didn't say anything to that either… kept communicating though – and he always kept being his sweet self, the one I so love. Maybe I'm suffocating the relationship… then again, my extensiveness in communication wasn't a problem in the first few weeks and I cannot be anything else but me, and I am someone who fights for whatever God gives me to take care of – I fight for understanding, I fight for the other person, I fight to do the right thing and work things out. I'm wholeheartedly grateful that God has set me apart the way He did and continues to do – what an invaluable blessing to be His – but somehow it appears like I'm so set apart that no man feels good enough to even be with me…
All in all, at the moment, I'm hanging in there and doing my best 🙂
God bless you, Harper!
God bless you too, and just calm down and take a moment. It'll be well, God is with you darling
Thanks, Harper! You're sweet. I'll try. <3
"There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move. It's always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb."
Bless you, sweet heart <3
Thanks for the update, GG. May God keep you all <3
Hi GG, how's Alicia doing so far, now? You're all in my prayers <3 Bless
Hey Mrs. Harper, I am doing fine as is our little bun. I am now officially on maternity leave. My doctor wants me to rest of which mom and Trey are making sure I do. Thank you so much for the prayers. You are awesome! Thanks also to Lovinghusband and PFC it really touched me.
Great story as always! My first story isn't scheduled till May 26. Gonna work on part 2 in a few days. God bless you and this wonderful site.
Oh sweet heart, thank the Lord you are well! Did I mention to you that our daughter is having twins in August? It got me all the more concerned for her even though she already bore 4 children! You rest up now, Alicia, by God's grace you'll be just fine. I'm glad you liked the story, sweetie <3 May God be with you
Harper,
Just read your story. Really enjoyed it ( both parts). You have a way of writing that is both classy and erotic. Thanks.
Why thank you, Ben. I like it that way, classy and sexy. You're very welcome, I hope all is well and may God keep you, Gina, Alicia, baby, and Trey <3
That was wonderful. I loved Part 1 & 2! Keep posting!
Glad you did, and I sure will keep posting! 😀
If possible, I'd be grateful if you could pray for me to just be still – for once I wanna manage to not continue to pursue or chase after something when I hit unbudging resistance in one form or another… so far I have proven unable to just let something be 'cause I have a hard time with giving up.
My sweet MH fam, you have always been a pool of unwavering support, an ocean of loving encouragement and spiritual fellowship, a special home to my Christian heart. It hurts my heart to know that not just mine but your hearts will hurt also if I would not make it to the manifestation of my dream. Things are still in the balance and everything is of course in God's loving and sovereign hands, where it all began, but my thread of hope that it will all be well is getting thin… it feels as if it would go down that to me painful path every personally meaningful relationship ends up going down sooner or later in my life so far… One day I will be able to look back on these days of my life and I'll be at peace with myself knowing that I've done all I could do, I've stepped out in faith, I've stretched past my comfort zones, I've walked on crazy faith into the deep waters with God, I've fallen, sinned and gotten back up as I've walked the path I've never treaded on before,… I won't be able to say that I've finished the race (in case I don't make it to the dream) but at least I've tried. Thank y'all for standing with me in prayer that I would be still and steady!
"Would You come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in? Let love come and teach me who You are again. Would You take me back to the place where my heart was only about You and all I wanted was just to be with You? Come and do whatever You want to. Further and further my heart moves away from the shore. Whatever it looks like, whatever may come, I am Yours. Then You crash over me, and I've lost control but I'm free… I'm going under, I'm in over my head. Then You crash over me, and that's where You want me to be… I'm going under, I'm in over my head. Whether I sink, whether I swim – oh, it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." (In Over My Head – Bethel Music and Jenn Johnson)
Of course, honey. God bless
Passionate
I just prayed for you! I want you to know that you are not just some name in the comment section on a website. You have made a place in my heart and the hearts of many others I'm sure! We care for you and pray for you. And I want you to know that we too, like you face crisis moments in our lives – tough times – where all we can do is look to God and His people for comfort and solace. Passionate, we are acquainted with our own trials – so that when we see that you are in the midst of trials – we have deep compassion for you! So, don't forget – you matter to us! We are here to rejoice with you when you are rejoicing – and to comfort you when you are in sadness. Thank you for not just keeping it all inside – but instead letting us share your burden (Galatians 6). You are loved by God and us! LH
Just came across that and it nailed the place I often find myself in through this season… "I learned that quitters don't win when I faced formidable circumstances and complex dilemmas. More than a few times, I felt my faith give way and my heart become faint. […] I sometimes wondered if it would be better to let go of the pain of wanting and settle for the calm mediocrity of the status quo. But after every rejection my passion would revitalize and I would try again. Whether I was secretly masochistic or had faith, I'm not sure. I was not certain I had the right approach or the right […] acumen, but unbeknownst to me, I was attaining my […] acumen through the rejection process! The pain of the process ultimately empowered me […]. Yes, I did get […]. But the greater gift was the experience. I learned to persevere, even in the tempestuous, arduous, agonizing becoming stage." (Destiny – T. D. Jakes)
Great food for thought that just so happened to come my way this day. The becoming. The pain, the process and the promise. Grateful for the encouragement that comes with hearing of how great and mighty people of faith have themselves walked through valleys of hopelessness and feebleness and weariness and brokenness too… and they have made it through! His Grace is sufficient. God is always faithful.
"Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others." #truth
Pick-back-upper, that's my God. #grateful
Dearest LH, thank you so much!! Those words deeply touched my heart and there is no way I could convey to you how much this community, you and all those I count to be MH family and friends of mine, means to me. You are such a pillar of support to me and cherished friends in Christ that I never want to miss to have by my side in my walk of faith. I cherish the love I receive from you all, and I receive it with pure gratitude at heart… you always give me reason to rejoice. Thank you that I matter to you!! Powerful words that bear so much meaning to me!! Sometimes I feel like I'm more of a drag than a blessing to y'all with my current inability to make it to my destiny – feeling like I can't add much for now to the heart of the site than mainly the testimony of how to push through wall after wall without losing the faith or the hope… and as I write this, I know that this testimony is of course an invaluable blessing of God, for it testifies of His Grace and faithfulness and matchless love through it all, His power at work in our lives in all seasons. Thank you for simple yet mighty words as these "You are loved by God and us!"!!
When I look at the relationship with Alex, the best picture I could give to capture what has me torn is this: We started out in the same boat, paddling forward in perfect rhythm, as one; and then that hidden cut happened, which I still can't grasp, make sense of or pinpoint, and now it's like we're in the boat but the boat is stuck in the water, going round and round itself because we're paddling out of rhythm and not in the same direction anymore – I haven't changed and I can't find anything I did wrong, something changed on his part… I see it in the way his expressions changed slightly… he used to lavish me with telling me how much he cherished me, adoring me, showering me with compliments, letting me know how amazing I am to him, how grateful he is that God gave me into his life, and all of that amazing expressions of love and gratitude and blessing that come when 2 people let love (as God made it to be) rule unhindered, untainted and untarnished… now, these are gone… he is still sweet overall (but that may just be courtesy as he is Texan, so I don't know), there is this somewhat keeping me at a distance that's tangible to me and the longer he drags out telling me about the truth loud and clear, the more it breaks my heart and tears me apart inside. I always give opportunity to be straightforward with me about possible breakup/going separate ways or whatever – 'cause a painful truth is always better to bear than being kept in a comfortable lie. In one of his mails recently he told me that "if you meet another guy now or later I won't be mad lol. I know this is an online interaction and don't hold you bound by any contract ;-)" – I disregarded the wink and lol and took this statement seriously and had a talk with him about a few important things – I asked him if he realized that by saying such a thing he suggests to me that he would be ok with me being unfaithful, keeping in mind that as far as I knew we are in a committed relationship, which he started by promising himself to me… it was a serious, honest, straightforward email, and again, he had opportunity to tell me openly and sincerely if I'm wrong about anything I said. No answer came back about it all. And I'll say it frankly, I'm slowly losing my patience and my sanity with always ending up to be forced to speak against a wall all the time. If I have to beg for love, then whatever I will receive can never be true love anyway. Love has to come out of one's heart freely, given abundantly and freely because God put it in one's heart to be given this way. I give it this way, as best as I know how, and all I expect, if someone loves me, is to be loved in truth and in spirit and at heart. I deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and in truth. I have counted on Alex to be the man he introduced himself to be to me – after all, he was the one who called out the other men as cowards because of their inability to just say to me plain and simple that they can't do it, they don't want to be in relationship with me… so, I counted on Alex, that if this case would happen, he would be the man he professed to be and just tell me… after all, this is really not that big of a deal because it can happen that 2 people who hit it off so well, may not fit together in the end – it can happen, and I know that and would accept it and still be loving and kind through it all… but I refuse to hold back on the love I feel in my heart to give just because there are no guarantees in the building up of a relationship – I will love with all my heart, for love is not just a feeling, an attraction or a hitting it off, but love is also a choice… Alex chose to first give of the true love he felt in his heart for me freely and abundantly and selflessly, and then he chose to hold it back and kind of covertly keeps pushing me away – which I believe to be out of his insecurities or lack of self-esteem… but this rings true and I've shared it with him too:"Do not let the fear of what COULD happen let NOTHING happen." (Terri Savelle Foy) I've tried all I know to do but I cannot make something work, when I'm basically the only one who still works at it, the only one basically who keeps giving. I wish he would just tell me the truth straightforward in this moment about where he stands with me – so we can just move on whichever direction it would be (apart or together). But this leaving me hanging in limbus, this torture of my soul, I cannot bear forever. My love for Alex was true – to this day I don't know how he looks, how old he is,… I practically don't know anything about him personally – and I've given him grace about that not sharing much personal stuff with me thus far because I understand that some people have a hard time to give trust to somebody else, especially online, but still my love was real and flowing freely… The root of my love for him was found in God and the reason it bloomed was because I came to know his heart and soul, his character (as I do with most any online relationship I nurture and build – friendships or other). My love for him grew not by outside attraction but by congeniality of souls and hearts… our inner beings were divinely sparked and led together… and how beautiful that was! I came to the point of burning with passion for this man for one reason only: because of the sincere, tangible and authentic love he had consistently shown me. It was his love for me (expressed and shown openly and abundantly in his own way),that sparked my passion buttons – a love for me that even sparked in him a renewed and enlivened passion for his walk with God. It was not lust that made me burn with passion because I can honestly tell you that as he began to withhold his love from me, my passion to wanna be intimate with him cooled instantly… I cannot, do not want to and will not have sex out of lust, for what I truly seek is not sex, I seek love – true love, lasting, sincere and committed. It never has been about sex. It's always been about love for me. But it remains true: God will do what we can't do, but He won't do what we can do. If any of us in a relationship stops doing what we can do, the relationship cannot prevail – the miracle, though unmistakably there in the beginning, will be bound to wither and die because of simple neglect.
Thinking about all this today anew, I've come to think of Josh (Moviefan2k4). He faces so many struggles and battles, and I know more about him than I do know about Alex, and I can't help thinking that someone like Josh, who had to fight through so much, would be grateful to receive a love like mine… I bet he would not withhold the love he feels in his heart, I bet he would do what he could do to let the woman, that would be given him by God to love and do life with, know how much he cherished her, how grateful he is, what she means to him… encouraged by her faithfulness and love, he would let her into his thoughts and heart and soul, and not shut her out, so she can be with him, stand with him, believe with him, hope with him, follow God with him… and if she would be like me, she would pour her love into him, letting him know how precious he is, how much God loves him, and the relationship could be built mutually under God. It hurts my heart to see how Alex negligently handles by now this miracle we have been given. Love is the most precious treasure, the most invaluable blessing we get entrusted with by God in this life. We shouldn't throw it away in this way. We shouldn't treat another in such ways. There never are guarantees in life but we cannot take this as an excuse to let life and especially God's greatest blessings pass us by.