Loving Myself for the First Time

As far as I know, I started pretty late in the game when it came to masturbating. In high school, there were a fair amount of pregnant girls and young mothers who had had active sex lives for quite some time, and I didn’t even know what an orgasm was. It appalled me that my friends had so much knowledge of positions, oral sex, and porn when I didn’t even think people outside of marriage ever had sex. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a sheltered upbringing, but my parents never brought up anything related to sex, and since I planned on waiting for marriage, I never thought to ask any questions.

At the time, the shows 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom were big hits, and I would watch them after school and wonder how young girls get themselves into such scary situations. During the commercials, they always play the ad about visiting itsyoursexlife.org to learn more about birth control options, and out of curiosity, I went on one night the summer before my first year or college. I never knew about any kind of birth control besides condoms and the pill, so to see these other options was interesting to me.

But then I had more questions, and next looked up different kinds of sex. I was surprised by what I saw and read about tons of things I had never heard of. I wondered how often people actually put their mouths on their partners’ genitals and if it was enjoyable. And what must it be like to feel another person’s body parts inside of your own?

One thing led to another, and I found myself on the Cosmo website. (I know, not the best place to get information.) I read a series of stories by a woman who went through so many sex positions in so many days. Lying on my stomach, trying to keep myself from getting too excited, I almost hoped just to fall asleep and lose interest in what I was reading. I read for several hours; new sensations suffused my body with each article. I didn’t know how to describe it, but I was starting to sweat, and it wasn’t hot. Between my legs felt much more moist and slippery than usual. I wondered if it was normal. But more than that, I wanted to keep reading.

From there I read tips on how to have a better orgasm. Several sounded kind of fun, such as having your partner stimulate your nipples or prolonging the sensation by mixing up the pace between shallow and deep thrusts. I got to one that said it helps to squeeze your pelvic muscles together. Again, out of curiosity, I tried it out, even though I wasn’t having sex. After about three or four times, a huge wave rushed over my entire body; I felt it everywhere. For several minutes, I almost couldn’t move as I came back to reality after that explosion. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, but that didn’t keep me away for long.

A few nights later, I went back to Cosmo and reread the articles. Every so often, I’d squeeze my legs together, hoping for the same result. When I succeeded, I felt shame and guilt afterward. Eventually, I found this site. I loved the awesome stories and the wonderful community, but I still didn’t feel completely secure. I would do this about three or four nights a week for the next three or four years, always feeling guilty for what I was doing.

That is until a few girlfriends of mine brought up the topic of masturbation one day about a year ago. My college friends were very open and encouraging. They told me what they thought of while pleasuring themselves and what kinds of lubricants they used. For the first time, I started actually using my hands to masturbate rather than just hoping I’m aroused enough for my pelvic muscles to work. I still have yet to masturbate to multiple orgasms at a time or without some sort of erotic reading. One day I hope to orgasm in the shower, hit my g-spot (I don’t know if this affects it, but my hymen is still pretty intact) or orgasm from only touching my nipples.

I’m still getting to know my body and have plenty of learning to do. So any advice anyone has would be super helpful and welcome. Thank you to everyone on this site who shows so much support to newbies like me. Also, thanks to all the other singles for sharing their stories and making it easier to share mine. Much love and blessings to all of you!

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16 replies
  1. HornyHubby says:

    I'm glad to see you are discovering this pleasure. I would recommend that you read my post titled "Christian Defense of Masturbation" sometime. This will give you the biblical basis for why it's okay to masturbate. You may not need it now, but I find that most people encounter some resistance to masturbation at some point. Either someone tells you it's wrong or the enemy tells you it's wrong. Either way, it's good to be prepared with a defense. (1 Pet 3:15)

    I would also recommend you not put too much pressure on yourself. Don't think that you "have to" have multiple orgasms or cum just from rubbing your nipples. My understanding is that every woman is different and some can have multiples and some just can't no matter what they do. Same with things like cumming just from nipple play. My wife, for instance, can't cum just from nipple play and after one cum, she's done for a while. So don't put pressure on yourself to do those things. Just enjoy learning about your body and enjoy cumming. If the other things happen they happen. But don't miss out on the journey of self discovery because you are so focused on a "goal" of multiple orgasms.

    • Savingallmylove says:

      Thank you HH! I have been trying to set these "goals" if you can call them that, as more of things that would be nice rather than things I'm working towards. I'm having lots of fun figuring things out.

  2. yen says:

    Mine is a question please is masturbation a sin as a single. Am so confused please if not. With scriptural aids please write i really need help am a single brother

  3. HappilyMarriedGuy says:

    Your story is so much like mine! I, too was sexually sheltered growing up. My wife and I were virgins our wedding night. Like you, I was appalled by what my friends in HS were doing sexually. Also, like you, I was curious as to what masturbation was. I looked online and found out. Boy, did i ever find out! I found different stories, pictures and even masturbation techniques. It was eye-opening. I'll never forget my first orgasm-there was cum everywhere and I tried to clean it up before my parents got home. Luckily I did and learned to do it in cleaner ways! Now, my wife and I have a good sex life, but your story brought back memories and really turned me on! You should try to squirt and hit your gspot 🙂

    • Savingallmylove says:

      HappilyMarriedGuy,
      I'm glad to know other people can relate to my experience of being very naive and inexperienced in this area, especially when our modern culture is so sexually driven. I'm looking forward to incorporating this in my future sex life and having fun learning more about my body. Thanks for your kind words!

  4. Sarge says:

    I don't know any scriptures that can help you, but in my own life (59 years) I've dealt with guilt as a young boy and or man, but I came to realize something important. If I didn't use porn, and I made up an imaginary woman, or later thought about my wife, I felt no guilt. But if I did use porn, and that's an anvil on your back, or I thought of someone I knew, then I felt guilty.
    I was in the USAF for 26 years and my career field had a high deployment rotation. So trust me, I masturbated a lot while away from my wife, and she did too. Just be creative in your thoughts, but stay away from porn and thoughts of anyone you're not married to. But just relax. You can overdo though; so not five times a day, okay?

    • Savingallmylove says:

      Haha, I don't have the time nor the energy for five times a day, but thanks for the advice! I've been having a good experience not using pornography and just thinking about my future as a married woman and how great it will be. Thank you for the advice!

  5. Sarge says:

    Dear savingallmylove
    HornyHubby is right, take time to learn your body. I'm going by my late wife's experiences, but she was an expert. Some may rub fast, press hard, press soft, rub slow, rub in different directions, i.e. Circles, slide to side etc… But just enjoy your learning and as he said, you may come only once, and sometimes it will be subtle, and sometimes fireworks. But that's what learning your own techniques over time will help to come along. Pun intended.
    But do save yourself for marriage. There is no greater gift that you can give your new husband than your pure body. And it's a gift to God too, because he values His children's obedience.

    • Savingallmylove says:

      Thank you, that is my exact intention, to save myself for my future husband and have that amazing experience of my first time being with someone I love. Can't wait for it!

  6. PacMan says:

    Thanks for sharing this vulnerable part of your life. It's so innocent and yet very hot. Yes it did turn me on! Enjoy this discovery phase. It's actually investing in your future marriage. And the pelvic muscle thing is a great way to start. When I was engaged to my Future Wife, she could have orgasms as we hugged and kissed – simply clenching her pelvic muscles. I couldn't believe my good fortune to be courting such an orgasmic being. It was the best! And it helped us remain virgins until marriage too, b/c she could easily orgasm and be "done" making out, and we weren't really tempted to go all the way.

    • Savingallmylove says:

      Thanks PacMan, I'm very much looking forward to having a wonderful and healthy marriage one day in the future thanks to what I'm learning about myself now. Thanks for the lesson as well, I'm fairly modest so I don't know if I'll even want to orgasm in my future boyfriend's/fiance's presence so I won't be tempted, but if it comes to that, that will certainly help save myself until my wedding night.

    • Savingallmylove says:

      Thanks GG! I'm a huge fan of your stories and I'm so glad to have found pleasure in them. Can't wait to utilize some of your tricks in my future marriage!

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