In need of advice

Hi MH community.

I am a new person to the community although I had been reading the posts for a while. It had been immensely helpful for getting insight into the marriage and relationship. I am engaged and will be marrying to my fiancé after two years from now due to my academics. We had been dating for past two years and engaged for a year now. I love him so much, and he is gentleman. He’s two years elder to me.

We had been doing heavy petting couple of times. We’re saving up ourselves for marriage, and this is the only relationship we both ever had. He recently revealed a secret to me that a few years ago one night he made a mistake. He was sleeping at his best friends one night. During midnight he woke up and saw his friend awake. He tried to grope his friend’s manhood. His friend got all angry. My bf had been feeling guilty ever since. He even thought about suicide and was in a depression due to the mistake he had committed. He opened up to his mom, and she guided him back.

This was all years before we started dating. He was attracted to a man for some moments. He sought repentance and still feels ashamed and guilty of it. When he found the courage to be honest with me I chose to forgive him as he is repenting so very deeply.

I forgave him and I still love him. It still haunts him and worries if I would bring that up ever in our marriage. I love him and I want to marry him. Am I doing the right thing ? If our lord could forgive the sinners shouldn’t I forgive him too? Will it affect our future ? He’s a very soft and sweet guy. He might not be a macho man. But he is the most caring and loving guy. Should I go forward with this ? There is nobody I, know can ask this to since they will judge him and may not be able to see him as I do. So please … To all the believers and experienced people .. Please tell me what to do…

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22 replies
  1. laurie says:

    Your fiance seem like u said a gentleman. He's very remorseful about his mistake and if you love him you should leave it in his past and reassure him that it remains a forgotten issue.

  2. Belleame says:

    God created sex as a gift to a husband and wife, a beautiful gift that is so important there's a whole book dedicated to it in the Bible. Satan tries to corrupt all that God has made, especially marriage, sex and family. I bet every single person has had sinful sexual thoughts at one point or will at some point. Therefore let us treat each other with grace and forgiveness that we have the ability to have through Jesus' sacrifice on Calvary. I highly recommend talking about this issue in pre-marital counselling with the pastor who is marrying you both. If you don't know what pre-marital counselling is, it is a great way to communicate as a couple about things that will effect the rest of your life, giving couples a firm foundation to start their marriage on. I highly recommend it, even if it's not with the pastor that will be marrying you two. It sounds like he is running away from those sinful actions and thoughts. The best thing you can do as his future wife is realize you have the most important roll of being his prayer warrior! Pray without ceasing! If you seek God, the Holy Spirit will guide this area of your lives. Much love to you!!!

  3. 1956packard says:

    I was the victim of a friend abusing me as a teenager. He asked for my forgiveness but it took me a while to forgive him. It took my wife to remind me about how much Christ has forgiven me for. Once I " got right " it was easy to forgive and forget. I'm friends with him til this day.

    I have submitted this , in more detail , to the Marriage Heat page. It will be published soon .

  4. Sarge says:

    When I was in high school, I had a friend who asked me if I'd be will to let him masturbate me. I was shocked, but he was a great friend, and I calmly told him no. He was embarrassed, and I could tell ashamed. We never talked of it again, and we remained close friends for a few years until he married and moved away. He said he was sorry for bringing it up, and I forgave him and we moved on.
    Your fiancé sounds contrite, and sorrowful, but he needs to understand that he must forgive himself. He's repented, he's never repeated the transgression, and so no doubt, God has forgiven him. Your task through life is to never, ever mention it again, no matter how angry you may be at him for some obscure unrelated error, or sin
    Just give him the same unconditional love that our Heavenly Father has for us all.

  5. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Of course you should forgive him. May you should talk it out before you get married, and yes we make mistakes. He clearly sees the error of his ways. He has to forgive himself, and has no reason to feel guilty is God has forgiven him. Remember, Jesus died for all our sins and there is no sin His precious blood won't cover. You should move on, and when you're married don't mention, and tell him that to put him at ease. God bless you, and I wish you well, dearie

  6. PacMan says:

    I think the spiritual acts of repentance and forgiveness were adequately covered. Let me focus on the physical & psycological side. a) There is a huge chance this was just a youthful mistake from a curious teen. If I ever did that, I too would feel embarrassed and contrite. All of us have said or done stupid things that we almost instantly regret. b) No one has mentioned this yet, and this is just putting all the cards on the table, but it sounds like there is at least a *chance* he is gay or bisexual [just stating it as a *possibility*]. As you stated "he was attracted to a man for some moments." Same-sex attraction doesn't come and go in "moments." And this is not about having a gay sexual thought randomly — he actually tried to physically act on this urge. The stuff you described that follows: the guilt, the suicidal thoughts, the mom setting him straight… and even the physical relationship with a girl, are all things I have heard gay men say were a part of their story. So at least this idea is *plausible*. My sister almost married a gay man b/c she thought it was a "ministry" to him & might solve this "struggle." She is SO happy that they broke up. It could have ruined both of their lives. I think this needs to be explored — not in a pastor's office (yikes), but maybe with someone who specializes with identity counseling. It's worth putting in this investment before a lifetime commitment is made!

    • Juicy says:

      I have been thinking a lot about this since I first saw this post and trying to figure out a way to offer support. Thank you PacMan for your wise words! I agree that this may have been a one time, exploration thing BUT it isn't out of the realm that this man you are betrothed to may be struggling with his sexuality. I think it would be a good thing for you to lovingly talk with him about this and offer your support to him so that he may be honest with about that situation and his sexuality. If he is questioning, I also feel that a more "secular" counselor may be a better option rather than a Christian counselor. Not being a male, I don't know how often these type of occurrences happen and whether they are sexual in nature or if it comparison.

      I also appreciate Sibelus' take as well. He needs to be totally honest with you and not tell you what he thinks, and maybes he wishes, you want to hear. I think you asking opinion here in this forum leads me to believe you are unsure too and that you have thought about this possibility.

      If after some serious thought, consideration and complete honesty, if it was just an incident that was a mistake, then yes, forgive the man and move on. BUT, reconciling takes time. God is the only one who can forgive and forget (as far as the east is from the west) but we humans are not capable of that. We can absolutely forgive, in a heartbeat, but will still live with the effects of a fallen world and we have to rebuild relationships that have had issues. And it takes time to reconcile. If it isn't fully worked through beforehand, it will be a issue in your marriage. You want to save both of your hearts from any heartache so you must be fully reconciled before marriage.

      Whatever the outcome, you need to not get married until things are fully worked through. Postponing a wedding is wise if there is an issue such as this to work through.

    • Moviefan2k4 says:

      In my opinion, Christians should never trust secular counselors with important issues…especially sexual ones. Just look at how homosexuality's championed across the board today; do you really think most of that is being done by Christians? I highly doubt it. You and your groom-to-be should definitely see a counselor, but make sure its someone who honors God and Jesus first.

  7. R Dub says:

    In my opinion, it's very meaningful that he would share something with you that is so personal and "haunting." Too many people stuff those hurtful events and associated feelings and do not share them for fear of shame and condemnation. As a result, they're never able to heal and those stuffed emotions can manifest themselves in other ways later in future relationships.

    Like many others, as an older boy I had experiences that may be considered homosexual in nature. I've been married almost thirty three years now and have a very fulfilling marriage and sex life with my beautiful wife. While I'm not proud of those childhood experiences, they were what they were and I cannot change that. God is full of grace and He forgives, and at the end of the day, that's what matters.

    I appreciate your forgiving heart and willingness to give your fiancé the grace he is seeking. Regarding what you should do……..I encourage you to pray about this, God will lead you.

  8. Sibelus says:

    Like all responses, this is just my take.

    He has told you of two instances, both were not in the I sometimes think about it camp, but the attraction and taking action camp. The resulting feelings are guilt, suicide, depression, shame. None of this is middle ground.

    I think you need to be super clear about this. Moral and spiritual forgiveness are one thing, dealing with his deeper feelings and impulses are another and unless those are being addressed constructively with counseling, you are just kicking the can down the road.

    I believe the fact that he is telling these things now is both notably honest and forthcoming but also could suggest he's in a roundabout way revealing an inner conflict that still may be present.

    I'm a Christian and am also very pragmatic about these kinds of things. I suggest you put the exploration of this before marriage. I'd ask him to do this honestly, not to please you, but to dig deep and understand what's really inside.

    Blessings to you both.

  9. Anonymous says:

    A couple of things:

    1. I believe homosexuality is a chosen behavior. A lot of homosexuals have admitted this publicly, but not the militants of course. God's Word declares that unrepentant homosexuals can't enter the kingdom of Heaven (1 Cor. 6:9-10). That being the case, if God "made them that way," He'd be a monster. He didn't so He's not. There are a lot of former homosexuals now leading normal lives.

    2. Homosexual tendencies are usually the result of being sexually abused as a child. So, why did he do what he did? Is there something from his childhood that's so awful he's repressing it? Or was this just a one-time thing?

    3. Finally, Satan wants us to remain paralyzed by guilt for our former sins, so we'll be a totally ineffective witness in the here and now. If we've genuinely repented and we can feel the weight of that sin removed from us and therefore know we've been forgiven, we also know that God removes our transgressions from us, as far as He's concerned, as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). It should pain us to have sin in our past, but we shouldn't let it silence us.

    I don't know if any of this helps or makes sense. I'll be praying for you.

  10. Raz says:

    I have to say I agree with Pacman. And I suspect you have wondered the same thing and hence your request for advice. To say forgive him and move on is in my opinion far too simplistic and may simply be burying issues that will rear up later. I may have had plenty of sinful and lust induced thoughts in my life (like everyone) but never in a million years would I be tempted to grasp another man's genitals in a sexual way. It just wouldn't enter my mind because I am purely hetero. I think you both need pre marriage councilling but I think part of the process needs to be exploration of the possibility he has homosexual tendancies or thoughts. The fact that he confessed to you and that he was suicidal indicates to me he is struggling to deal with something much deeper than a singular act he regrets.

  11. Olivia says:

    I think Belleame's suggestion of counseling with the pastor, for marriage or just for himself would be beneficial. I believe you have to find the right pastor, not one who condones acts of homosexuality but one who excepts that it is a sin that people struggle with that with God they can overcome. I don't agree that you should go to a secular counselor if you both want Godly wisdom about how to deal with this.

  12. Anonymous says:

    What? Are you all insane? I understand your religious beliefs are guiding you but this woman said he had been attracted to men at multiple times in his life. This woman needs to postpone her wedding and seek counseling with a non-religious counselor. If this man is gay deep down and hiding it and feels ashamed because of his religious beliefs this poor woman will wind up shamed or unsatisfied in her marriage. I urge you to go to s secular counselor, or one who will not tell him to "pray the gay away" – FOR YOUR SAKE.

    • Anonymous says:

      Soon to be bride,

      You came here seeking advice from fellow Christians. Please bear that in mind when reading the post above.

      Homosexuality isn't immutable and unchanging. Anne Heche was a very high profile homosexual in a relationship with Ellen Degeneres, but she is now married to a man and they have a child. That's just one obvious example. If homosexuality was immutable, like race, there would be zero former homosexuals. There certainly aren't any former black people.

    • PacMan says:

      Bad example. Anne Heche is bi-sexual, and would not identify herself as a monogamous straight woman who was "cured" of homosexuality. Even Christian ministry Exodus Int'l closed its doors a few years ago saying that the idea that you can change your sexual identity (one of their core "ministries") was a lie, and they apologized to the gay community.

  13. PacMan says:

    I also suggest a counselor that specializes in psychology and identity issues. There are Christians in that field, but their religious status doesn't matter. 99% of pastors are NOT qualified to have this conversation (sorry). The issue at hand is NOT that the counselor "advise"them, or even express their views about homosexuality. It's about unpacking a lot stuff linked with identity and maybe even hidden trauma. If you need a heart transplant, you find the BEST doctor, who might be a Christian or might not. The meeting with pastors or pre-marital counsellors happens AFTER the meetings with a highly trained psychologist.

  14. Benny says:

    I am glad that the possibility of homosexuality was breached by multiple post. I read the post when very new, but have been too busy to respond. I think it is possible a Christian counselor can be very helpful, but they need to act within established professional guidelines. Some ultra conservative Christian perspectives can be anything but loving and compassionate towards gay individuals. The last thing your fiancé needs is condemnation from a counselor because he has a deep seated attraction to other males. The last thing you need is to discover, 15 years into marriage, that the shallowness of your sex life is due to his inability to generate attraction towards you as a woman, or any woman. Having spoken with committed Christians who are gay, it is horrifying for them to have sexual attraction towards males and difficult for them to admit it to themselves. The degree choice plays in being gay can be debated vigorously form multiple perspectives as Christians This forum is not the place, IMHO. What is apparent is that in young adulthood, with rare exception, wanting desperately to be straight does not make you heterosexual. Given that he has had two sexual indiscretions with males, the possibility is very real that suppressed homosexual feelings could be the cause of his depression and his inability to forgive himself. The acts may also just have been youthful, sexual exploration. Before marriage, the issue needs to be explored laid completely laid to rest.

    • soont to be bride says:

      Thank you so much for your reply.. there's a small misunderstanding though. It wasnt two different people he had affection with.. it was one person for a few hours of attraction… If that makes any difference

  15. anonymous says:

    Speaking as a man. . . This is not normal, and it is a serious issue. This should be a HUGE red flag warning to you
    . Be wise, and proceed with caution.

  16. soont to be bride says:

    Thank you so much everyone for all the compassionate replies. It really means a lot and feels great to open up to a bunch of people who are experienced. I will try convincing him to meet a councilor, but i dont know how to bring up that without hurting him. And it is also quite hard to find a pre marriage councilor in our place who would be not judgmental about this. Again thank you everyone for all the support..please include us in prayers… 🙂

  17. P says:

    Never posted anything but this has been haunting me for hours and feel compelled to say that as a person who experience something similar with an ex I wholeheartedly agree with Pacman and Benny- follow your gut and ask God for guidance. Please please get non-judgmental help, I know you don't want to rbing things up cause you don't want to hurt him but marriage is the real deal and NOW is the time to really do the work of figuring out if you are better off as friends and lovingly decline or to get married. You might erronesously feel obligated to continue with the relationship since you are engaged and are privy to such a personal thing because he opened up to you but this is the time to have an open discussion that he might be gay, and if so that is something he will have to deal with on his own- not after marriage with a wife and other responsibilities in tow. You cannot carry the duty for him, that is not to say you can't still be a non-judgemental friend. But 'it was one person for a few hours of attraction' is still very much unique and not what most people consider typical of heterosexual behavior. This confession might also be the only thing he has been confortable to divulge for fear of being judged and there might be more. We can only help as best we can with our advice and perpective but we are all still outsiders, may you and him be given clear guidance with openness and truth. You might decide that he is who you want to marry to or that you are better off as friends, and there is nothing wrong with either decision all I ask is that you make an informed decision and not have yourself asking DURING marriage this same very question. You owe it to yourself to be at peace in your marriage and not enter the marriage convenant unless you feel peaceful and secure. May God's peace and clarity be with you.

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