In Need of Advice

Hi everyone!  I just wanted to start off by saying that I am not sure if this is something that I can ask here, but you are all so nice that I figured I would give it a try.  Just so that you know a little bit about me, I am a college-aged female, I am very, very in love with the Lord and wish to go into mission work of some type.  I really want to go overseas and work with refugees.  I have been a Christian all my life, and my family is predominantly Christian.  About two years ago I would say is when I fell deeply, deeply in love with Him.  

Anyways lol, I hope you all won’t mind me asking for advice here, since I’m on the young-ish side and not married, or even close to it haha.  My problem is that I have a very, very strong sex drive.  I wear a purity ring, and am very committed to saving myself for marriage, that isn’t really the problem.  The issue is more that it’s so strong and I’m not married or engaged or anything, and I’m not sure if this is something that I should be ashamed of?  I have struggled with it for a long time simply because I don’t know if since I’m young and a girl and a Christian if maybe it’s something that He won’t approve of?  It’s become more of an issue recently because I am so much closer to Him now and I don’t want Him to disapprove of me.  

I’ve prayed for it to go away, but it doesn’t.  I don’t know if maybe I’m messed up or something?  I have fibromyalgia which makes my nerves over sensitive and I think this plays a part in the fact that  I’m aroused almost constantly.  I don’t mean to be too graphic but it begins to hurt, quite a lot, if I don’t do something to take care of it.  Also I experience pretty severe aching in my joints and muscles daily and I don’t know if the two are connected, but a of of the time if I don’t take care of “it”, they become so much worse and I’m single so I don’t have anyone to like take care of me when I flare up lol.  I don’t mean to complain though, I know that a lot of people have it much worse off than I do.  So anyways, physically and emotionally it’s something that I’m finding is becoming more and more important to me.  It’s certainly not the most important thing to me, of course, but I don’t know if maybe He’ll think I’m too carnal/fleshly or maybe I’m doing something wrong and that’s why it’s there.  

Another question is, is it okay for me to take care of it?  I don’t do anything with anyone so I’m my only source of relief, but again I don’t want Him to disapprove of me.  I’ve tried going long periods of time without relieving myself but it becomes very painful.  It’s become a daily struggle with how much can I ignore my needs and still function, and why am I wired this way.  Maybe I did something wrong when I was younger and this is my punishment?  I’m not sure if He would approve of my desire more if I were a male, because traditional Christian teaching is that God designed men to have a stronger sex drive.  I don’t want this to affect His plan for my life and my relationship with Him.  But it is becoming very hard to feel like a good, pure person when my need is so strong and no matter how hard I try I can’t make it go away.  

I feel like I can’t be open with Him in my conversation with Him, because even though I know that He already knows everything about me, I feel so, so dirty.  I love Him so, so much and I don’t want Him to think that I’m bad.  When I masturbate I am careful to avoid pornographic material, because I know that it always causes more harm than good and it’s obviously not what I’m after, but I still feel like I should be ashamed.  After I finish I usually end up crying because I don’t want Him to be mad at me, or for Him to be disappointed, but I want so badly to have my needs met.  

As I’m getting older, and growing closer to Jesus it’s becoming more of an issue.  So I was wondering, is it okay to talk to Him about this, or is my sexual desire something that’s wrong with me? And is it bad to relieve my tension, is He upset with me when I do?  I can’t talk to anyone about this, and He’s who I talk to about everything, so I don’t want Him to not want to spend time with me.  And the idea that we’re taught that “Jesus is always there”, makes me wonder if I am offending, embarrassing, or grossing Him out when I take care of my sexual needs.  I want so badly for Him to be proud of me, but I haven’t been able to make this part of me, or my need for that type of affection go away.  I’m sorry this is so long, but it’s starting to affect me emotionally and really make me feel sad almost, so I’m wondering if maybe sex is tied to my emotions too, lol.  

I never really used to think marriage was something that I would want so bad, but lately the idea of having a Godly husband that I could make love to and not have to feel ashamed for wanting it is something I have been craving.  I wonder if maybe God will think I am idolizing marriage, and so He won’t want me to have it.  Also, most preachers only tell young people that this is because of their hormones and that they should focus more on Jesus.  I have Jesus, and I am closer to Him than I have ever been in my life, but I still find that I want to be able to look forward to being made love to, and I don’t want Jesus to think that I’m, like, gross because of that.  I am starting to feel trapped with an insatiable need to have sexual intimacy and a constant voice inside of my head telling me that I am impure because of it.  It hurts because it’s such a fundamental part of who I am.  

I am starting to feel like maybe He doesn’t accept that part of me, and maybe that’s why I have the pain problems I have, am I being punished? I can’t say that I would disagree with Him if I were.  I really don’t know where to turn to for advice.  In conservative Christianity and where I’m from there aren’t really helpful resources for girls with strong sex drives, only shame.  It has definitely started to make me feel very ashamed of myself.  I’m trying to love Jesus passionately but I also don’t want to cross the line into annoying Him or grossing Him out, so I am not sure if unless I am praying for my desires to go away, if I am allowed to talk to Him about them, or how they make me feel.  So yea, I am sorry if I’ve bothered you but I genuinely don’t know where else to turn and I don’t know how much longer I can take feeling so torn between my strong sexual desire, and like I am making a big deal out of nothing.  I’m scared that He doesn’t approve of my masturbating, that He’ll grow angry with me because of it.  I just want to be able to be at peace with myself and my relationship with Him, without having to feel frustrated and ashamed all of the time.

4.45 avg. rating (88% score) - 33 votes
41 replies
  1. HornyHubby
    HornyHubby says:

    First of all, YES you CAN ask this question on here! This is one of the purposes of this site: to have a place where Christians can go for advice and information on healthy sexuality. The church doesn't talk about it, and the world offers their version. So yes ask away!

    Second, as I was reading your post I felt as if you have a LOT of shame and guilt about yourself. And this grieved me because it is so unnecessary. It sounds like you've been given some bad theology about God and sex. For instance, you say you love the Lord, but you have a strong sex drive. You seem to see this as a problem. Why is it a problem? God created sex and sex drives. Why would God give you something and then be angry with you for using it? (This is the bad theology coming out. Most teach that any use of our sexuality is bad.) But this couldn't be further from the truth. In Ephesians 5:22-33 Paul is talking about how a husband and wife should relate to each other. But in verse 32 he says, "This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christs and the church are one." And in verse 31 he refers back to Genesis 2:24 and quotes that passage which says, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are one flesh." That phrase "one flesh" refers to sex. So here is what he is saying: The sexual union of a husband and wife is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. In other words, our sexuality IS our spirituality! It is an extension of and expression of our spirituality. They are not two opposing forces, but one and the same.

    So here's a thought: When you are horny, that is the love of God in you trying to find expression. Our relationship with God is like a passionate love affair between a husband and wife. The church is called the bride of Christ. And ultimately, we are going to a wedding feast. (Rev 19) So do not be ashamed of your sexuality. Embrace it as part of your spirituality.

    Third: I would STRONGLY recommend that you read a book called "God Without Religion: Can it Really be this Simple?" by Andrew Farley. I just looked on Amazon and it is $4.87 plus $3.99 shipping. Read this book and it will set you free from that shame you feel. After reading him you will never again feel like God is mad at you for ANYTHING. Because he isn't. 🙂

    Fourth: I would also strongly recommend that you read a post I submitted here called "Christian Masturbation." I will try to include a link to it. Please read that and I think it will help you as well.

    Please comment after reading it and let me know if it helps. I pray that you will be set free from this guilt and shame. It is not from God in any way. It is the enemy trying to keep you from God. Please get Andrew Farley's book. (You can also look him up on YouTube at Andrew Farley Ministries and Church Without Religion. He has full 40 minute sermons as well as 2-4 minute clips of a brief thought. Watch those until you get his book. He has other books as well, but I would recommend starting with God without religion.)

    This is my passion to help people like you get free from shame. (Partly because I used to be where you are.) So if you have any other questions please share them in a comment or new post and I would be more than happy to address them.

  2. Salted Caramel
    Salted Caramel says:

    Wow. I really felt your pain and fear and frustration in this post. I'll try to offer some help.
    Firstly, God created you. He knew you before you were born. God created you with a sex drive. Although your struggle with your sex drive may be more difficult than many others, you are not alone. Being single is tough this way (I'm single myself). We all deeply crave spiritual and physical intimacy. Also, Jesus was human. Jesus also faced all our temptations, and he understands this struggle, too. And he feels compassion toward his children. Not disgust. Compassion.

    Secondly, physical diseases are not punishment for specific sins. Think of the men whom Jesus healed who were blind and lame from birth. They cannot have done anything in the womb to warrant punishment. Disease is part of the general corruption of the earth. It is part of death and pain and loss and futility of labor. All of us experience these things, but all of our experiences are different, too. Sometimes families break up, some get cancer, sometimes loved ones die, you have fibromyalgia.

    Finally, sexuality is good and healthy and beautiful, even when you're alone. You were created this way. But maybe think of sexual release as a blessing to relieve pain. Sexuality is not a sin. Covetousness and lust are. I do not think it is a sin to masturbate to things you long for, if they are also good things. You long to share yourself with someone emotionally and physically within marriage. This is truly a good and beautiful and joyful thing, and it is not wrong to imagine these things while you masturbate. You can also thank God for the relief you feel.

    I've struggled with this too during periods of high stress and loneliness. Especially in college. One thing about college: being away from family means less physical touch. This makes us crave physical intimacy more. It made me pretty desperate for sex. Try to find a Christian community around you. Seek out close girl friends, and don't be shy about initiating hugs and nonsexual touch. This will make you feel less alone. Hugs also relieve pain and stress. Praying for you. God bless.

  3. chesed
    chesed says:

    Thanks for your great post. Sex drive is part of God's wonderful gift to all of us. But it's also a great mystery (which is part of the gift). So your questions and concerns are entirely appropriate. Sex drive and the need to satisfy it are perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of; indeed, they are a sign that you're healthy. Masterbation is part of that gift and is a great way to learn more about yourself. The urge and need to reach an orgasm is part of it all; as you've already learned, climaxing definitely relieves accumulated stress of all kinds. But from your descriptions of daily physical pain, I worry whether you have some physical condition that warrants medical attention. Thus, I also suggest that you see a medical doctor.

  4. plumbcrazy
    plumbcrazy says:

    Dear. Cristianwoman98,
    You are about it receive the most loving advice from the most caring people in the uiverse here at marriagebeat. That said let me offer my 2 cents.
    First, it has been proven that the the health benefits from masturbation, with or without orgasm, with the release of helpful items into our body and mind, shows a loving gift from a loving Heavenly Father, with natural remedies. You have been given a "clitoris" and the only function it has, is for pleasure. Here again, for health and mental purposes.
    Your question seems to be more along the lines of your own personal beliefs, and how you have been taught in this matter, and dealing with the choices you have made, sorting out the advice you have received from you circle of I influence. The comments you will be receiving here are going to expand, yahooin truth, that circle.
    Pay heed to the upcoming advice, because it is spot on. You are perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

  5. CurrentResident
    CurrentResident says:

    Hello christianwoman98, thank you for sharing. It is very brave of you to talk about your journey with this community and although I am a relatively new member, I have found it to be a very safe place with godly intentions. I think you will find it to be a blessing too.
    Full disclosure, I'm a guy. I don't know how it works for gals. But your story reminds me a little of my own, so perhaps I can help. Much like you, I am young and single with no marriage outlet immediately in view. Jesus means everything to me and I want every part of my life to be at peace with the Holy Spirit. I know how difficult this can be with sexuality. Also like you, I have had a long struggle navigating masturbation and what is natural and acceptable for a christian. I've read all the verses about sexual purity, and I've prayed intensely for explicit answers. It always left me feeling like there was something gross about me, and God must have thought it was too obvious to address directly. I've come to learn that this could not be further from the truth.
    The Bible is not silent on masturbation, but it is not explicit. The Israelites were simply told to clean up afterward, and emissions were treated no different than if a married couple had sex. Furthermore, masturbation is never condemned (and it most certainly existed back then). The greater guiding principle is that God loves sex and He gives you your sexuality. Far from gross, God thinks your sexuality is awesome! He invented it! Just as you would appreciate a present from someone you love, accept this gift from the best giver of all time. Especially one customized and designed specifically for you. Orgasmic release is beautiful and should not make you feel dirty. If God thought masturbation was gross or impure, He would have left nothing to chance in His word. Adultery should be an obvious no no, right? But God addresses it many times; He doesn't leave sinful acts to chance. You have great freedom in Jesus and you can ABSOLUTELY talk to him about this.
    Such is theology stuff, and perhaps others will be a better guide. The main reason I decided to reply is that I want you to be liberated of your shame. You do not need to battle yourself anymore! I fought for years with the idea that somehow my sexual desires were from the devil, that they should be suppressed and beat back because sex wasn't for me yet. Why was I cursed with these raging hormones? I would masturbate and then feel guilty, assuming it was the Spirit convicting me of the dirty acquiescence. This pattern crippled my satisfaction in Jesus. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone, and I suspect there are many others stuck in the same rut. You can be free. In fact, you are already free. Jesus leaves no chain unbroken.
    The problem is that there are many voices in the world–often well intentioned–that crowd the voice of truth. The guilt you feel is more than half a century of church tradition heaping bull crap on the Bible! Sorry for the language, but that's what it is, crap. Christians for years believed that the only moral position for sex was missionary (hence the name). "God forbid you perform oral sex like the heathens." Seriously? None of these stipulations are in the Bible. We have inherited a Church that refuses to talk about sex but places extrabiblical rules on everything.
    Stepping off my soapbox, I want to encourage you that man-made church tradition has no place in the conscience. It plagued me for years, but when I sought out only His Spirit, the voice of truth rose above the noise. I masturbate now guilt free, and my conscience has been reprogrammed to listen to the Spirit about proper limitations.
    Please know that Jesus has set you free from guilt and the internal battles that you face. Forget the bull crap and let Him show you that He loves your sexuality and wants you to use it fully.

    Love in Christ,

  6. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    I so feel your pain!!! I too am single. I am a young man with a high sex drive. I can sometimes masturbate 4 of so times a day depending on how strong of an urge I have!

    But before getting there I would supress it. I did this for years, about 5 years. When men doubt find a release we have what you can call "wet dreams" we will become aroused sleeping, sometimes accompanied by a sexual dream, and our body will release by itself. I would have these several times a week for about 5 years. I stopped masturbating prior due to viewing porn… I am glad you don't go this route, you can't get those images out of your mind, they will mess with you for quite some time. I know I am forgiven for my wrong doing and I won't go back to it!
    Now I too felt it was wrong for a Christian to masturbate… until I talked to a friend of mine who trust greatly and found out she has masturbated before too and I also found this website and posted on here with much the same thing you are posting about.

    Men can also get a condition called "blur balls" which is essentially our testicles bring too full of sperm and they swell up causing intense pain and sensitivity. I would also get erections lasting 30 mins or so..
    One day I got tired of it and masturbated to relieve the pressure.
    I instantly felt guilty and ashamed of myself. It was so bad that I had to talk to someone. Several people I tried to talk to, attempted to comfort me but essentially said that I will be fine if I confess my wrong doing and don't do it anymore. But the one I talked to did more than comfort me and assure me that I am not in any way wrong and that I should be ashamed. It is natural! It is a precious gift of God! She is just getting over a divorce and admitted that she does it sometimes to relieve the tension!
    And also on here too, people on here have been such a blessing! 🙂

    So I say to you that it is most definitely nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, I have no doubt that your high sex drive will be a blessing to your future husband! Just as your sincere heart for the Lord is!

    And as a guy, I want to say you have nothing to be concerned about when it is time to talk to your husband about this! In fact, I hope my future wife masturbates! I want her to be enjoying her sexually during this season that God is preparing us got eachother! 🙂

    So please, please don't feel guilty about this! Enjoy it! The only time masturbation becomes a problem is when it becomes about lust and conveting other people's spouses or when it replaces making love with your spouse.
    I think it is beautiful that you have a high sex drive and masturbate (now I don't mean anything inappropriate by that)!

    So I hope this can be a help to you!

    P.S. this change in me within the last couple of months!
    Here is a link to my post from when I came to the people of MH much like you are now!

  7. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    Thank you for your advice! I read your post and it made me feel such a sense of relief for all of the built up shame that I have over my desire. For years and years I've felt as thought there were something wrong with me and that I wasn't going to be fully lovable in His eyes because of it. It will probably take a while for the psychological wounds I've incurred since then to go away, but your advice made me feel so much better, you have no idea how much it means to me, so thank you. Also, I am an avid user of Amazon Prime, so I will definitely purchase that book, thank you for recommending it! I do have one more question, say I wanted to talk to Him about this, I feel like I would be very embarrassed, how do you go about praying to Him about things like this?

  8. christianwoman98
    christianwoman98 says:

    Thank you for the advice, you have no idea how much it means to me to have people listen to my concerns on this, and then on top of it be so kind and loving. It is a great relief to me to hear that it's okay to have these types of feelings, because it made me feel so alone for so long. I definitely agree with what you said about the lack of physical touch. College is kinda lonely and even though I do want to make friends I haven't been able to get very close with anyone yet. And partially because of my condition, and some past experiences I have shied away from affection most of my life, and I think that might just be accentuating the issue. So thank you so so much for the advice, it truly means the world to me! God bless you!!

  9. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    Oh and you can absolutely go to Jesus about this.
    I got a question for you that someone asked me in order to hemp me see it in a new light…
    Do you not think that God is/will be with you in the future where you are having sex with your husband…? Do you not think that, not only does God fund joy in you and your husbands act of passion and the greatest form of physical bond between a man and a woman, but that He also is glorified in it!!!
    Is not sexual desire the second strongest that our body has (seconded only by that of longing for God)?

    It is literally unhealthy not seek release once in a while! So encourage you to enjoy your time and seek God in the moment! It is beautiful! 🙂
    And you will also bless your husband because you will better understand your ownself.

  10. christianwoman98
    christianwoman98 says:

    First off, thank you so, so much for the advice. I read your post and I wave of relief from all of the shame that I've felt swept over me. I have spent so long feeling ashamed of myself and feeling like I couldn't be fully lovable in His eyes because of it, or like He was just waiting for me to get rid of it. I imagine that it will take some time for the shame that I felt to fully go away, but it feels amazing to hear people who love the Lord tell me that I shouldn't be ashamed. Also, I am a bug fan of Amazon Prime, so I will definitely check out that book! I do have one more question if it isn't a bother, if I wanted to talk to Jesus about this, how should I go about it? I imagine that I would feel embarrassed, how do you start to talk to Him about things like this?

  11. christianwoman98
    christianwoman98 says:

    Thank you for your help, I appreciate it very much. Now that it is becoming more of a problem I have thought about seeking out treatment for my condition, simply because I don't want it to become too debilitating. Thank you for the advice, God bless!

  12. christianwoman98
    christianwoman98 says:

    Thank you so much, everyone here does seem so loving and kind! I am trying hard to accept this part of myself as something God created, and with all the advice I am receiving it is making me feel like it truly is possible. So thank you for taking the time to offer help, I greatly, greatly appreciate it, God bless you!

  13. christianwoman98
    christianwoman98 says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your heart and your experience like that! It means so much to me to ear from someone in a similar boat as me and someone who has gotten through it in a positive light. I read you post and again, the lack of shame you feel now gives me hope in my situation. I'm sure God is saving you for someone special! Thank you again, God bless!

  14. christianwoman98
    christianwoman98 says:

    Thank you for taking the time to help me with with, it means so much to me. It is wonderful to hear from people who are also in a situation similar to mine, and to be able to hear that what I feel is not shameful brings so much relief to my heart. I hope that I will be able to talk to Jesus about this one day, freely and without shame! Thank you so much, and God bless you!

  15. Savingallmylove
    Savingallmylove says:

    Being single with a high sex drive can be so difficult! My friends and I are all Christians, most of us single, and most of us are pretty open with talking about high sex drives. Masturbation is not only physically but mentally healthy for you. It help you figure out what your body likes and responds to best, which will come in handy when you eventually get married. Do what makes you happy and don't feel ashamed. God made you to feel this pleasure.

  16. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    You are more than welcome! ☺
    And I appreciate and hope the same thing! I look forward to meeting her or my eyes finally opening and beholding her if I already know her!

    I know God is doing the same for you! Once again, I love the heart you have in this!

    So please open yourself completely to God in every aspect. Colossians 3:23.

    Find peace young lady, the peace that can only be found in the Lord. Praying for you!

  17. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    Just pray, there isn't really a "how," God doesn't really care about the "how" as much as He cares about the "why!"

    I don't think it is something can be taught by a person. I realized you have to simply open up your heart and come to Him. With all that you are.

    Embarrassment can't really happen when this the One who already knew you intimately before you were even born! Or before the Universe was spoke into existence, for that matter…

    If we can't go to the Lord, who can we go to…?!

    All He wants is your heart!
    I encourage you to look up the song called "All I've Ever Wanted" by Casting Crowns. It is powerful, and I believe it draws to your situation…

  18. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    No it's NOTHING to be ashamed of, God knows your heart. There is no reason to feel dirty, sweet heart, embrace your sexuality. Now, a purity ring won't help you keep your virginity, but God can. I'm so glad that you want to do the right thing, but remember, be patient, and I've said this to other – LOOK for a spouse, don't just sit around waiting for it to happen. Get to know your body and what you like. God bless you, sweet heart

  19. PacMan
    PacMan says:

    Wow. Look how the tables have turned. JAM777 is giving advice to singles?!?! This is really cool. You seem much more confident and secure in your own skin. It shows that God had brought you a great distance in a short time!

  20. PacMan
    PacMan says:

    Great post with excellent questions. I will ditto others here and say go masturbate with joy, every day if you want. Your high sex drive is how you've been made, and it's a good thing (some other women wish they had more of that).

    Also yes of course talk to the Lord about it. He made your body — and all it's functions (crapping, sneezing, vomiting, and – yes – cumming). He's not grossed out by any of it. Maybe just start with very simple prayers, and let it develop from there. Here's a couple of examples: "Thank you Lord that I am fearfully and wonderfully made." or "Thank you that I have the ability to orgasm fairly easy – not every woman has that blessing."

    Now I have quick rant – not directed at you cw98 – but for others, especially the singles on this site. PLEASE stop using the word "struggle" when describing your sexuality, masturbation, or libido. Saying you "struggled with bad theology" is a more appropriate use of the word. But words are powerful, and part of the culture of shame is directly connected to the idea that a single Christian's sexual desires are a "struggle." Rant over.

  21. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I'm very proud of you, JAM777. I'd just like to interject and say that not all men get what you're talking about, though I do also think it's a good idea for a man to have a release every 72 hours (3 days). As you know in my husband's case it's with me, but in yours it can be through dreams or stimulating yourself. God bless, and have a blessed day

  22. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    I was so hoping you would grace this young lady with your wisdom Mrs. Thornton! 🙂

    CW, I highly recommend you build a relationship with Mrs. Thornton! She has much wisdom, quite a bit of patience, and a heart that leaves me speechless sometimes! I respect her more than even a quite a few women in my life! She has done more for me than she had to and far more than I deserved! I highly encourage you to open up a dialogue with her, you won't regret! 🙂

  23. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    Thank you both, though I give the glory to God and thank all who have went out of their way to help me!

    Especially you Mrs. Thornton! 🙂

    And which part are you referring to Mrs. Thornton? ("I'd just like to interject and say that not all men get what you're talking about.") Did you mean in direct correlation to needing to release?

  24. TheWaitingLady
    TheWaitingLady says:

    I feel your pain and frustration . I am a 30 year old virgin too. I'm single with a super high sex drive and no prospects for marriage soon (no boyfriend , still praying ). I don't masturbate , I just find something else to do especially when I'm ovulating . God loves you no matter what . You can't make him love you more or less .

  25. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Oh that's that "blue balls" stuff you were referring too. I know it's not a myth or anything, but not all men get them. That said, it's a good idea for men to release every 3 days anyway.

  26. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    Oh wow… really? I didn't know that.
    Lol, I'm an oddity then…

    I just know it is extremely uncomfortable and it hurts… alot!

  27. naturalgardener
    naturalgardener says:

    First of all, I want to say how much I admire you for two things:

    One, having the courage to post here. I’m continually impressed by the warm, positive, and informative posts and discussion on this site about such a challenging and personal issue as sexuality.

    Secondly, I think it’s awesome you have the ambition to work with refugees. I was raised by sincere, loving Christian parents, but sadly the culture they were attached to and the surroundings that I had in school, church etc, was more about what they were against than what they were for, which is part of why I identify with your feelings. More on that below. I believe that it’s so important to be concerned with not only personal morality, but those genuinely hurting, the “least of these” that have real and urgent needs. To have a heart for that is a beautiful thing.

    I’m sorry for the pain of the fibromyalgia you’re dealing with as well, and hope you can find effective ways of managing the challenges of it.

    I’ve dealt with much the same struggle you have as relating to having a strong sexual drive. I think I had that drive before I even knew what “sex” was. I had a sheltered upbringing and wasn’t given a lot of information at any stage, so I was naturally somewhat curious about my body and girls and such without knowing a lot about sex itself or having any ill intentions or lust – because I didn’t even know what those concepts meant. But of course being raised the way I was also meant that any steps I took to explore or learn had to be very discreet and left me with feelings that seemed shameful, though now that Ive found this site and grown in my beliefs, I think was more embarassment and lack of knowledge.

    My body seems to be wired for arousal similar to how you describe. It can be such a relief to “release” if you get my drift. So if it helps your condition, that could be a benefit actually.

    I came to the conclusion that either this arousal and physical feeling is a “struggle” or it’s something that’s about how we’re made and wired. And that it seems that the evidence is on the side of it being a natural, human thing that isn’t inherently bad. Some people do misuse it, and our human natures aren’t perfect, but nothing about our bodies or drives are inherently bad. It’s in how we use it and the choices we make with that ability.

    There can be reasons to do that (pleasure) that aren’t particularly about sex at all. For example, physical release, relaxing before sleep, or simply de-stressing from a hard day. (For the guys, that might be more of a pun.) Anyways, orgasms release oxytocin which is a pleasure chemical in the brain. I struggle myself with a form of depression and occasional OCD, and the release is a safe way to calm my mind, help me to relax, and clear my mind. It doesn’t have to necessarily relate to sex at all at least in my experience.

    However, it is a part of our bodies that’s very intimate and associated with sex, and as we have that drive, it is something we’ll likely think about and daydream about – which again I think is a natural thing. If our drives could be satiated only by being friends or being in the company of the opposite sex, there would be very little imperative to get married. It’s our sexuality that I think we were made with that draws us to relationships and to marriage – so it is a core aspect of relationships even for Christians who are abstaining – sexuality is more than just having sex, it’s also the masculine and feminine and as Solomon said, the ways of a man and a maid are a mystery in some sense.

    I don’t think that desire is inherently bad. It’s a natural thing to desire in our future and to be curious about. Truthfully I was raised with very little information and always wondered what women experienced and felt about it, and felt like I might be a “freak” because I was feeling all of this stuff and maybe good Christian girls didn’t. It wasn’t something you talked about at church or on dates obviously. The message I got was basically “sex is a wonderful thing in marriage but until then don’t think about, discuss it and don’t be dirty.” It’s really hard to develop a healthy view of things with that pressure and being in the dark about the basics.

    I don’t see anything wrong with praying about it, I did, but also I think God has put those answers out there in science and even sites like this and the kind people on it, to help find answers. Even as a site oriented towards married people, I have found inspiration and comfort in the posters here and their portrayals of a healthy and very happy marriage. Sexuality is something that both genders should enjoy to the max within the framework of Christian principles and morals, in my view and this site gives so many great examples of that. I know I get inspired by the stories here – but never have I lusted over any of the posts, to me I just hope for that myself one day and my own unique experience of these things with my wife.

    I don’t think Jesus is upset with you. I don’t think the human body is dirty or bad. I struggled for a long time with body acceptance. If my parts were attractive, if I was too this or too that physically. But women have a part that is only for pleasure – if God was against pleasure, I don’t think they would. If you believe in creation, you have to believe that’s there for a reason, and it doesn’t only work with a husband! It works for you as a single woman too. There’s health benefits for both men and women in knowing their bodies and exploring them, and sin has negative consequences. I think if solo pleasure were a sin, there would be a negative side effect to it – and there isn’t. Only if misused with things like porn, which even on a secular level is just unrealistic and not a good idea.

    I don’t think its idolizing marriage when it’s a healthy, natural expression of love that most people desire. I think it’s a natural state for most people – there’s exceptions, but generally marriage is available and desired by people and it’s a good thing. Nothing wrong with having goals! You aren’t being punished for your desires and hopes. In a fallen nature, biology and our systems aren’t perfect – and while your condition is unfortunate, I don’t believe it’s something God forced on you at all.

    I came from a similar background – try being the guy that not only feels guilt, but also feels like it’s impossible to know what Christian women think! Without sites like this, I can honestly say I might be under the impression “Good girls don’t” and that I was horribly malfunctional and couldn’t be loved by a Christian wife because of my “problem.” Now I’m beginning to believe I could actually be appreciated for that side of me – and all the other things that make me uniquely me. I was always concerned I could never have someone who was close to my drive, or appreciated this. It seems from the stories from married women on this site, that’s far from the case!

    You’ve found a great site and I second the posts already made here. In particular, HornyHubby’s posts that I’ve enjoyed very much – his perspective is one I really appreciate as a brother in the faith and how he expresses things (shoutout HH!) I personally found his defense of masturbation VERY helpful. Keep in mind sometimes you’ll feel the old feelings even if you grow to feel more secure, and I have, and when you do, it’s great to come back here and reread articles like that and just affirm the wonderful, positive gift that sexuality can be. Sometimes even though we know we’ve been “set free” we forget that and need a refresher course. Sorry for the novel and hope this helped some!

  28. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Hmm, then I guess the best way to prevent it is to "release" whenever you can, unless of course you're in a situation where you can't. Also, if you can't you can try to think about something else, and maybe that way the erection will go away too. I'm so sorry that it hurts!

  29. NotMadMax
    NotMadMax says:

    Great advice here.

    My wife had some spiritual / emotional things about sex that were difficult to overcome and a Christian counselor (professional therapist) has helped her (and thus me) a lot. Don't be embarrassed – therapists have heard it all!

  30. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    Thank you Mrs. Thornton. It's just how it is and I can't spend that much time masturbating…. I would end up doing it too much and not getting things done. I work from 9:30 to 18:00. And I have thought about doing it in the bathroom but I didn't want to take a chance…. I been feeling the burn for several hours now but I can wait till tonight.
    So when the time comes I just deal with the pain. But I just try to release a couple of times a day. The pain I can't stand isn't for several days of no releases…

  31. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    I don't believe so, it's just how it is and I think it has some to do with keeping it supressed for nearly 8 years…

    I really appreciate that care enough to ask and suggest things Mrs. Thornton! 🙂
    You have such a kind and loving heart!

  32. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    You're a kind man, yourself, son 🙂 I'm sorry you've felt like you had to repress that 🙁 But I'm glad you found this matchless sight 🙂 And that you're feeling good about it now. God bless you

  33. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    Thank you so much Mrs. Thornton! 🙂
    I'm not so sure certain people would agree with you on that… lol

    Yeah, I am sorry too… but everything works out in accordance to God's timing! 🙂

    But I really do appreciate you and, if I may be so bold as to call you a friend, your friendship! You have no idea how glad I am that God allowed our paths to cross (in a manner of speaker)!!! 😂

    You are a blessing and I appreciate all that have talked with me about and taught me!

  34. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    That's good to hear and you seem to be someone who I would automatically look up to if we knew eachother in real life and besides that, I owe you so much!!!
    Your wisdom and heart… how can I do anything less than give you the respect you deserve…?!
    And besides, being respectful is simply the Christ-like thing to do! 🙂

  35. aestheticallure
    aestheticallure says:

    Hi, I just found this site a few days ago and saw your question. I'm 20, single and a Christian as well and I've had a hard time with accepting my strong sex drive. I've heard people say to suppress it, and I've tried to ignore it and I'd prayed God would take it away, but God reminded me on day as I praying, "why are you asking me to take away something you're going to need for later?" It assured me that He had marriage for me in the right timing, so I thought if this is the case, then why should I spend years of my life fighting this God-given desire that will grow stronger and stronger? I came to this site and it finally answered my question of what to do with my desires other than just give them to God. I'm in your shoes and my story is exactly like yours. I thank you for asking this and I thank everyone who answered, just know you aren't alone and that if God gave you the desire, He wouldn't have done it to leave you suffering.

  36. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    You don't owe me anything, son. I see your gratefulness, and I see how you appreciate me and the others. Blessings!

  37. Me
    Me says:

    Much of our problem is we listen to everyone, but God. We believers fail to see that salvation is saying yes to a battle. A battle that heals, cleanses, & rewards with Heaven. Mistakenly, many of us enter with the wrong motives. The motives of me. "Yes, forgive me!" Where God wants to lead me, I just want my life to be easy. Ask most any child, why they want to be saved, & they will tell you that they don't want to sin anymore. However, instantaneous sinlessness isn't what the Bible shows us. Though we can sin less, in these corrupted bodies we will never truly be sinless. We cannot waltz right into Heaven in these bodies. This body of sin. The enemy. Our flesh is why we have our share of doubt & despair. Before we ever became Christian we were sinners. Well versed, well trained, in the ways of me. That enemy still talks to us even after our baptism into Christ. So, what is the answer? Walk by faith. Let the Spirit lead. The Spirit wrote the Bible. The scripture is there. The Spirit, then, wants to walk out the word in your day. We now have the option to live by God's Word. By faith & belief in Christ we overcome the world. There is no sin that God didn't nail to the cross. Jesus wants to talk about all of it. It is a ploy of your flesh to withhold something from God. Things we don't pray about are things that are flesh likes & wants to keep. When you discuss it with Jesus, be patient & seek His way. Disregard what counsel you hear from people. If it's from God you'll find it eventually. Pursue Him only. Even if you listen to yourself it has to stand or fall by scripture. Human counsel becomes secondary. For instance, sex drive, can be too much or too little. Masturbation, can be wrong, or right. Where we fall is in God's word, alone. People will have different takes on anything. We will always be confused listening to people. Where God's word does not directly address, it will present guidelines. Such as, masturbation isn't mentioned in the Bible, but homosexuality should never replace natural opposite sex marriage sex, it says in Romans. So, it is logical then that masturbation should never replace the natural use of marriage sex between spouses. This is backed up in other scriptures, too. There you have clear guidelines for masturbation, scriptures about lust & adultery would apply, too.

    Since we cannot be trusted to stay away from the forbidden fruit, the answer is go with God's word. You are right to be concerned, but as long as your context for sex is God's will for you in marriage then don't let your flesh beat you up over it. There is nothing wrong with knowing your own body. Bringing yourself to orgasm, & enjoying it as long as you don't let it take you out of bounds of God's word. Within the boundary there is no guilt. Pharisees cannot be trusted. God's Spirit & scripture can be. Don't live by what the Pharisee says. Live by every Word from the mouth of God.

  38. heattt
    heattt says:

    I needed this too! This is so me- I feel guilt and shame after I masterbste and even though I've begun to realize that my sexuality IS NOT a bad thing at all (!) it still feels like I've done something wrong after I do it. Like I feel like I'm growing distant from myself somehow? I don't know why it feels like that. I did have OCD and certain thoughts would really torment me, so maybe they've shaken me up and I need to accept myself sexually again. I just hope I can somehow. And reading these posts this last month has helped me so it's okay to love my sexuality and it's even beautiful! Thank-you Christianwomen98 for posting this, it's something. that I know a lot of people feel, so don't think that you're alone! I hope you learn to be sexually free and love yourself completely, and I hope I can do the same.I kind of just remind myself sometimes that I would want other struggling with their sexuality to embrace it as a gift and not a as a blemish, and to be able to enjoy themselves and be comfortable with their sexual desires, so I should treat myself no differently. So I will definelty try to get over this 🙂 Thank you so much to everyone who posted here, it's helped tons and thanks to CurrentResident, because your words actually made me sigh peacefully after I read them, like it feels right now to love myself without shame 🙂

  39. SDisk
    SDisk says:

    You remind me of well…Myself. :/ I feel for you, I know it can be stressful, I'm 19 and about to start college.

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