Hi everyone! I just wanted to start off by saying that I am not sure if this is something that I can ask here, but you are all so nice that I figured I would give it a try. Just so that you know a little bit about me, I am a college-aged female, I am very, very in love with the Lord and wish to go into mission work of some type. I really want to go overseas and work with refugees. I have been a Christian all my life, and my family is predominantly Christian. About two years ago I would say is when I fell deeply, deeply in love with Him.
Anyways lol, I hope you all won’t mind me asking for advice here, since I’m on the young-ish side and not married, or even close to it haha. My problem is that I have a very, very strong sex drive. I wear a purity ring, and am very committed to saving myself for marriage, that isn’t really the problem. The issue is more that it’s so strong and I’m not married or engaged or anything, and I’m not sure if this is something that I should be ashamed of? I have struggled with it for a long time simply because I don’t know if since I’m young and a girl and a Christian if maybe it’s something that He won’t approve of? It’s become more of an issue recently because I am so much closer to Him now and I don’t want Him to disapprove of me.
I’ve prayed for it to go away, but it doesn’t. I don’t know if maybe I’m messed up or something? I have fibromyalgia which makes my nerves over sensitive and I think this plays a part in the fact that I’m aroused almost constantly. I don’t mean to be too graphic but it begins to hurt, quite a lot, if I don’t do something to take care of it. Also I experience pretty severe aching in my joints and muscles daily and I don’t know if the two are connected, but a of of the time if I don’t take care of “it”, they become so much worse and I’m single so I don’t have anyone to like take care of me when I flare up lol. I don’t mean to complain though, I know that a lot of people have it much worse off than I do. So anyways, physically and emotionally it’s something that I’m finding is becoming more and more important to me. It’s certainly not the most important thing to me, of course, but I don’t know if maybe He’ll think I’m too carnal/fleshly or maybe I’m doing something wrong and that’s why it’s there.
Another question is, is it okay for me to take care of it? I don’t do anything with anyone so I’m my only source of relief, but again I don’t want Him to disapprove of me. I’ve tried going long periods of time without relieving myself but it becomes very painful. It’s become a daily struggle with how much can I ignore my needs and still function, and why am I wired this way. Maybe I did something wrong when I was younger and this is my punishment? I’m not sure if He would approve of my desire more if I were a male, because traditional Christian teaching is that God designed men to have a stronger sex drive. I don’t want this to affect His plan for my life and my relationship with Him. But it is becoming very hard to feel like a good, pure person when my need is so strong and no matter how hard I try I can’t make it go away.
I feel like I can’t be open with Him in my conversation with Him, because even though I know that He already knows everything about me, I feel so, so dirty. I love Him so, so much and I don’t want Him to think that I’m bad. When I masturbate I am careful to avoid pornographic material, because I know that it always causes more harm than good and it’s obviously not what I’m after, but I still feel like I should be ashamed. After I finish I usually end up crying because I don’t want Him to be mad at me, or for Him to be disappointed, but I want so badly to have my needs met.
As I’m getting older, and growing closer to Jesus it’s becoming more of an issue. So I was wondering, is it okay to talk to Him about this, or is my sexual desire something that’s wrong with me? And is it bad to relieve my tension, is He upset with me when I do? I can’t talk to anyone about this, and He’s who I talk to about everything, so I don’t want Him to not want to spend time with me. And the idea that we’re taught that “Jesus is always there”, makes me wonder if I am offending, embarrassing, or grossing Him out when I take care of my sexual needs. I want so badly for Him to be proud of me, but I haven’t been able to make this part of me, or my need for that type of affection go away. I’m sorry this is so long, but it’s starting to affect me emotionally and really make me feel sad almost, so I’m wondering if maybe sex is tied to my emotions too, lol.
I never really used to think marriage was something that I would want so bad, but lately the idea of having a Godly husband that I could make love to and not have to feel ashamed for wanting it is something I have been craving. I wonder if maybe God will think I am idolizing marriage, and so He won’t want me to have it. Also, most preachers only tell young people that this is because of their hormones and that they should focus more on Jesus. I have Jesus, and I am closer to Him than I have ever been in my life, but I still find that I want to be able to look forward to being made love to, and I don’t want Jesus to think that I’m, like, gross because of that. I am starting to feel trapped with an insatiable need to have sexual intimacy and a constant voice inside of my head telling me that I am impure because of it. It hurts because it’s such a fundamental part of who I am.
I am starting to feel like maybe He doesn’t accept that part of me, and maybe that’s why I have the pain problems I have, am I being punished? I can’t say that I would disagree with Him if I were. I really don’t know where to turn to for advice. In conservative Christianity and where I’m from there aren’t really helpful resources for girls with strong sex drives, only shame. It has definitely started to make me feel very ashamed of myself. I’m trying to love Jesus passionately but I also don’t want to cross the line into annoying Him or grossing Him out, so I am not sure if unless I am praying for my desires to go away, if I am allowed to talk to Him about them, or how they make me feel. So yea, I am sorry if I’ve bothered you but I genuinely don’t know where else to turn and I don’t know how much longer I can take feeling so torn between my strong sexual desire, and like I am making a big deal out of nothing. I’m scared that He doesn’t approve of my masturbating, that He’ll grow angry with me because of it. I just want to be able to be at peace with myself and my relationship with Him, without having to feel frustrated and ashamed all of the time.