Changing your thinking to become sexually adventurous

I have always been the kind of person that people feel comfortable to come and talk to me. I guess I must have a very open,  transparent, and non-judgmental side of my personality, that people will take a chance with opening up to me. My wife knows that about me, and she appreciates that. She has always given me room to counsel (so to speak) with people.

The following is a conversation with a woman who came for advice with some sexual marital problems she was having.    I share this because I have seen this same type of problem, again, and again, and again in many marriages. I am hoping this will be of help to  someone.   I do not reveal names with this conversation, and have actually blended together different conversations I have had with people, in order to be respectful to the person who talked to me, but still get across the problem.   Hope it helps.

A woman came to me and asked if she could talk to me. I said “Sure. What’s on your mind?”

She said “I talked to some friends who said you are a great guy to talk to about any kind of topic, especially marital problems. Anyway, I just need a guy’s opinion on something.” Then she said “I respect you, and thought maybe you could give me some insights about my husband..”

I said “I will be glad to help in any way I can.”

She said “Well, this is a little awkward, because it involves sexual things. I have been wanting to talk to a guy about it, but it isn’t the kind of thing you can just bring up to any guy. I need to feel comfortable with them, and respect them enough that I believe they might have a good opinion on it, and maybe be able to help me.. My female friends have not been much help. They want to just talk about how frustrating men are, or just, more or less, tell me to not worry about it because that is just the way men are. Anyway, I need to be challenged to see another side of things.”

I said “Go ahead and tell me what is going on, and I will see if I can give you some insights about it.”

She explained it like this. “I have been married for about 8 years. About a month ago he talked to me about how I am not sexually adventurous enough. I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about, so I asked him if I was attractive to him. He said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked him if he liked what we did, sexually. Did I please him? He said ‘Yes.’ ”

She then told me that “He is not very good at putting into words what he is thinking, so I am still not sure what he meant. All he said was “Like having sex in the living room versus always doing it in the bedroom.” I continued to question him, but he still struggled with his words, and he seemed to give up, just dropping the subject. To be honest, I still do not totally understand what he wants. Anyway, our sex life has now slowed down to the point that we’ve only done it twice since we talked a month ago. It is like he is losing interest What do you think he meant by sexually adventurous?”

I said “Well, it is hard to read the mind of someone I do not know real well. If I was talking to him, I am sure I could make suggestions to him to see if that is what he meant. I would say something like “Do you mean like having sex in the car? Or, going skinny dipping?”

She said “You think that is the kind of things he means?”

I said “Probably. Again, I do not know him, but I know that is what I would mean by those words.”

She said “I want to tell you something about why I wanted to marry my husband. When I was growing up, and until Dad died, Dad and I were like “best buddies.” I highly respected, and looked up to him. We did a lot of things together, talked a lot, and just enjoyed each others company. All of my life I tried to find a guy like Dad to marry. I think I, pretty much, found him in my husband. We have fun together, have great talks, but when it comes to talking about sex, he seems to not be able to express himself very well. He is obviously not happy with our sex life or he wouldn’t have started this conversation about him wanting me to be more sexually adventurous.”

Then she told me “I guess maybe I do not know how to please a guy that way. I mean, I am going to get blunt here with my words. I know all of the basics of sex, like blowjobs, how to play with a guy’s dick and balls to make him feel good. I even enjoy him playing with my body. And, unlike some women, I do not fake orgasms. I have them, and enjoy them. I can show him what feels good on me to where I enjoy sex, too. So, that is not my problem. My problem is understanding how to be sexually adventurous, whatever that means. I don’t understand why it is so important if we both are equally having fun in bed. In my opinion we already have a good sex life.”

I said “I think it is great that you and your Dad were so close, like best buddies. I also think that it was great that you wanted a man just like him, and you feel you found that in your husband. But, the problem is that a marriage also needs great sex. So, you cannot have a Dad and Daughter kind of relationship with your husband. You have to learn how to think different, especially with this sexually adventurous thing that he wants. I know you said, in your opinion, you feel you have a great sex life, but the ultimate sex life with many guys is to have sex 3-4 times a week, and then to, at least occasionally, have adventurous sex. Most guys love women who do that I am not saying all guys love it, but I would be willing to be 70% of guys want that”

She interrupted me to ask “But, what does that mean, exactly? Give me some details.”

I said “I will. I was about to get to that.”

She said “Sorry. You can see how frustrated I am right now,. I am just anxious to try to figure this out. If Dad was still living, I would go to him and ask him. I guarantee he would have some insight. I could talk to him about anything.”

I said “What did he die from?”

She said “He got cancer, and made it about a year, and then passed away. I took care of him until the end. All of this happened before I met my husband.”

I said “I am sorry to hear that. That must have been very hard with you and him being so close. I bet you miss him a lot.”

She said “I really do. Maybe that is why I always looked for his replacement by dating guys like him, until I found my husband. When I was dating, f they were not like Dad, I was not interested in them.”

I said “So, you feel you have found that with your husband, except he cannot seem to put into words, his sexual thoughts.”

She said “Pretty much. Otherwise, his personality is just like Dad’s was. That is why I want to figure this out. I don’t want us to drift apart. He is a good guy, and I want him happy.”

I said “Okay, so back to your question. How I would define Sexually Adventurous is things like going skinny dipping with him. Or, start rubbing on his cock on top of his jeans while you are in the car riding down the road together. Or, taking off your top in the car, as you go down the road, and have him play with your tits. Or, dressing up in sexy clothes and then seducing him. Or, grabbing his ass, or his cock in a store when no one is looking. Or, not wearing a bra when you go out with him. Or, rubbing his cock on top of his jeans at a table in a restaurant, then unzipping him and stroking him. Those are just some examples of what I think it means to be adventurous. Once you start doing those kind of things, you will come up with more ideas on your own. It is just a matter of starting to think about that kind of stuff”

She just said “Hmmmm,” and then she paused like she was trying to process all that I was saying.

I eventually said “You see, finding a guy like your father is really good if you just want a very close friend. But, if you want a great marriage, the best relationship will be where you are best buddies, and you also have a great sex life. You have sex often enough to please both of you, and you are, occasionally, sexually adventurous with it.”

She asked me “Have you had that kind of relationship?”

I said “Only once, if you mean as adventurous as I wanted. It was with one gal I dated for 1 ½ years before I got saved, but she had other problems that made me not want to marry her. But sexually, she was very, very adventurous and I totally loved it all. We did all kinds of stuff. My current marriage is becoming that way, but it has taken a lot of time to get there.”

Then, I said “There are a lot of women that struggle with this kind of thing. I would be willing to say that the majority of women struggle with this stuff. And, when women struggle with it, husbands either have to learn to patiently help her to become more sexually adventurous, or they have to tell themselves that she is just not like that, not going to change, and then he has to learn to appreciate the good things he does have with her. I mean, I was in one relationship where what we did, sexually, was very enjoyable. But, we only did it once a week, which I was not happy with. Plus, she did not have ANY adventurous side to her at all. I talked to her many, many times about it, and it never changed. I just had to learn to tell myself that a lot of guys would feel lucky to have what I have. At least I have sex once a week, and it is very enjoyable. I knew she felt happy with what we did when we did it, and I did too. It just was that I wanted more”

She said “Hmmmm. Interesting.”

You could tell she was processing all of this in her mind. Then she said “So, you think most guys would love that kind of thing?”

I said “Well, I can’t speak for all guys, but the ones who have come to me about their sexual problems, I can predict what they are going to complain about. It is pretty much the same old thing, over and over again. As soon as they start the conversation, I could stop them, and tell them what they are frustrated about before they ever even say it. And, I would be right 90% of the time.”

Then I said “Unfortunately, women in America are raised in childhood about everything in life except how to enjoy sex, and how to be adventurous with it. And, even though I think church life is a great life for everyone, some of the church women are the worst about sex. Why? Because they were told all their lives so many negative things about how they should not have sex, then they went into a marriage not being prepared. The Church even used to preach very strongly against it so that people would not have sex before marriage. If you always present only one side of something, you can create a real problem. In some ways, Churches actually set up marriages to fail, because they dion’t prepare people for a great sexual relationship. In my opinion, as they were trying to defeat Satan by getting christians to not give in to premarital sex, instead, they helped Satan as he just sat back and laughed, knowing he was going to help countless amounts of marriages to end in affairs.”

I could tell by her facial expression that she was doing her best to think about everything I had said to her so far. After my last comment, there was silence for about 15 seconds, or so. Then she said “I can see exactly why people open up to you. You are easy to talk to, you can put things into words that is easy to understand, and you have great insight.”

I said “Well, maybe it’s because I feel that most people can correct their problems in life if they just learned to think, or understand, things differently. Because I believe that, that is why I try so hard to help people see things in a new and different way.”

I then said “With this sexual adventurous thing, if you could learn to do it, I am betting you will enjoy it after awhile. You know what? It actually makes you feel younger, more vibrant, like a kid again. I mean, isn’t that what it means to be a kid – where you are more spontaneous -you impulsively just have fun with someone? In my opinion, you should have a kid side to you, all of your life, including the sexual side of your life”

I continued by saying “I really think most people miss out on this stuff. It really becomes a lot of fun

when you learn to be sexually adventurous. Plus, when you are being adventurous, you learn how to get the most out of pleasure. Sexual pleasure can be some of the best pleasures you will ever experience in your life. The goal in sex is not to cum. The goal is to have fun, and make it pleasurable, for as long as you can, then eventually cum. When you cum that way, it feels 50 times better. Some people call that ‘edging’, which means getting to the edge of cumming, but don’t cum yet. Continue to draw out the foreplay, and enjoy yourself. Sex should not be a chore that a woman has to do in order to keep a man somewhat happy. Sex can be a blast as both of you let out your kid side, and just play, and experience pleasure. It is the difference between having a friend in life, and having a friendship that is very hot in life. It is the kind of relationship that you can laugh at what you just did. Kind of like ‘Can you believe we just had sex in the car?’ Or, ‘Can you believe we just went skinny dipping?’ That is a super special kind of a relationship, and is the kind that will help you connect to a guy with your adult side, AND your kid side. And you know what? It changes the rest of your relationship. It makes your conversations with him even more open that they were before. Every aspect of your regular daily life with your husband will be better.”

She said “Wow. I have never thought about any of this stuff before. Life really is all about changing our way of thinking, just like you said. I think women get it in their head that men just have this problem in life called sex. And, we as women, just have to help them with their little problem and try to enjoy it a little bit, ourselves. I can see that if that is how a woman views it, she will see sex like another chore she has to do– something she has to do once a week or once every 10 days, or when she can fit it into her busy schedule, around the kids, and everything else she has to do.”

I said “Now you can see why husbands have affairs, and why many women are suddenly shocked and blind-sighted when the husband says he wants a divorce. The husband probably was unhappy for many, many years. He may have liked many things about his wife, but he is very unhappy with their sex life. After awhile he gives up, and finds himself trying to figure out ways to be happy on his own. He might even become hateful with her, which makes her very unhappy as well. He starts thinking about how he does not want to go through life feeling like he does, and never having a good sex life. He is, then, a perfect candidate for an affair. He just needs some woman to start paying a lot of attention to him, and get sexual with him. He is so frustrated in his marriage, that he gives in and has the affair. And, here is what typically happens afterward. All of the people who hear about it totally blame him, for what they see is his self centered actions. They say things like ‘Can you believe he had an affair, and did that to her?’ ”

She said “But, that makes it sound like it is all the woman’s fault that he had an affair.”

I said “I have never seen a case with marital problems where it was 100% one person’s fault. But, at the same time, I also rarely seen it be 50% – 50%, either. Most of the time it is 60% one person’s fault and 40% the other person’s fault. And, I have seen it as much as 80 – 90% one person’s fault. But, I have never seen it be 100%. There is always something that both of them could learn to do, that would help. I am just saying that if the wife gets too busy with the kids and everything else, to where she does not care about his sexual desires, then she is helping to set him up for an affair. I have seen it many, many times. And, I am telling you that all of the people who do not know the whole story about their relationship will totally blame him. I just think it’s unfair. Granted, he is wrong for having the affair, but, she is also wrong for not caring about her husband’s sexual needs. She needs to remind herself that the husband is the reason why she has a family. They had the kids together. That is how she now has kids. In her mind, she needs to make him first (after God), not the kids, and her other responsibilities. Otherwise, she is going to find someday that the kids are grown and gone, and she is sitting home alone.”

She said “But, what if the wife just has too much to do every day?”

I said “Then, she needs to pray about how God wants her to handle things. She may have to look at their finances, how much she is having to work, because of wrongful spending. I believe God wants her to have a very good marriage. And, I do not believe for one second it is God’s will to neglect her husband.”

She said “That makes sense. You know, it really is sad, when they had the potential for a good marriage, and then it falls apart because either partner lowered their priorities for each other.”

I said “Yes it is sad, because when they married, there had to have been something there that attracted themselves to each other. Now, to lose all of that because the priorities were not right, is sad. I talked with one couple one time where the wife totally changed as soon as they had their first child. He said it seemed that she now had what she most wanted in life. He told me that he felt like he was shoved into the background. He said that when he tried to talk to her about it, she just said “Well, you are an adult. You can take care of yourself. The kids can’t do that They need me.” He told me that, he tried his best to talk to her again and again, about their sex life. He even told her at one point that he was afraid he was going to someday have an affair because he was so sexually frustrated. He said he pleaded with her for them to fix the problem. Then, he told me that about 3 years later a woman came along that started flirting with him heavily, and before he knew it, he was having an affair with her. His marriage then ended in divorce, and everyone blamed him for the divorce. I am just telling you all of this because I have seen it happen in real life.”

She continued to listen as I said “Plus, she is missing out. She needs to see that adventurous sex can be fun. It can make her feel young again, more alive, like a kid. So, the husband is not only losing out, but the wife is losing out as well. I really think the majority of women that change and become sexually adventurous will love it.”

She said “I think I get it, now. I appreciate the fact that you did not just answer my question about what it mean to be sexually adventurous. I liked that you explained why it is important in a relationship, and how you explained how it makes you feel like a kid again. And, you even explained that being a kid should always be a part of our lives.”

I said “If you look at the really good marriages, they have lots of fun together. Their kids side shows up often. Chances are extremely high that their kids side also comes out in their sex life, as well.

Have fun with this. If it feels awkward, at first, try doing some little things that are adventurous. For example, do you guys have a swimming pool? If so, sneak out there at night. If you cannot do that because of your kids and neighbors, then find a river and do it. But, in your case, I would strongly suggest you go home and give your husbands examples of being sexually adventurous, and see if that is what he meant. I am betting he is going to say yes. Then, tell him you get it, and you are about to try some things with him. The reason I say to talk to him immediately is he needs hope right now, as quickly as possible. The fact that his sexual interest has fallen lately is a very, very bad sign. Turn this around as quick as you can. Okay? Let that kid side out.”

Her last words to me were “You missed your calling in life. You should have been a counselor.”

I said “But, I am a counselor in some ways. I get to talk to people who would probably never even try to see a counselor. So, God still uses me, He just does it with people that do not go get counseling.

I am not saying I know everything. I am just saying I am glad to pass along what I have learned in life.

In that respect, we all can be counselors. I believe all of our lives we should be constantly growing and learning, not with head knowledge, but with living life knowledge. We need to allow God to teach us stuff. We need to quit getting mad at other people. We need to keep asking God what He wants to teach us. Why? Because we have nothing to give to someone else, or to share with someone else, unless we are learning our own lessons. I am betting you will be sharing with a lot of women once you master this. We share what God teaches us. That is all I do. I do not need to be a professional counselor to do that. I just need to always be growing, and always be available to God to be used by him to touch others.”

The artist painting is one that I did.  I enjoy doing those kinds of paintings, and have done some for couples as an enhancement to the marriage.   But, I really have not concluded whether that might cross over the line of christian thinking.   So, I still wrestle with that a bit.   Thanks for reading.

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14 replies
  1. Juicy says:

    gcms,
    Thanks for your wisdom and sharing from your experiences. I think this would be so helpful for so many couples who are struggling but not quite sure what they are struggling with. In my marriage, it has been me wanting to be more adventurous, so the frustration has been on my part. But it has been fun working on it together!

  2. lionhearted says:

    This story is right on and put into words very well . My wife and I have had the some of the same issues. After I found the Marriage Heat web site, I forwarded some of the stories to my wife. She began reading the post and Our Sex got much Hotter very quickly. I struggled trying to to put into words how I was feeling to my wife. After multiple conversations with my wife, the observations I've made, she has self esteem issues how her body looks to her now. I would tell her she is sexy to me. Having been in church most of our lives has made her scared to be adventurous because the teaching you hear at church says it's wrong even in marriage. She is busy with going thru life and the different directions she is pulled in. Things are getting better, hotter and more adventurous. Thanks Marriage Heat!!!!!!!

  3. Sweet'n'Salsa says:

    I think this article should be passed out in married adult classes in churches 🙂

    Very well written! I could see this very post saving many marriages! (or at least fire up some lukewarm ones)

  4. Stag-on-a-hill says:

    Thanks, this is VERY helpful. I think reporting your conversation/s in this way is a really great way to get at the issue. Please keep it up. Brilliant! Huge! Wonderful!

  5. HornyHubby says:

    This was an awesome post! Thanks for sharing.

    It reminded me of a quote I saw by Gary Thomas. I can't remember if it was in a book of his or his blog, but he said, "When sex is good, it is 10% of the marriage. But when sex is bad it is 90% of the marriage."

    I think he would agree with your post here and your advice to go back to having fun with it.

    One question…how did you get the reputation of being someone to talk to about their problems? How did you get that started? Who typically comes to you? Friends? Friends of friends? Church members? Family members? I feel it in my heart that I would be good at this but I find most people are turned off by any sort of "counseling" and especially with someone they already know. Just wondering how that got started for you.

    • gcms - great christian marriage sex says:

      I am a good listener. I listen, then offer advice when I think the person might be open to it. If I do not think they are open, I just listen and encourage.

      Mainly at Church. But, I have met people in organizations that I am involved in, and I listen well, show that I care (because I do care), and if they don't have someone that they feel comfortable to talk to, it isn't long before they open up to me.

      For example, I had a woman tell me that her husband had brain surgery, and it changed his personality. I met the woman at a ministry event that we are both involved in. She has lots of close friends at that organization, but I felt privileged that she opened up to me about the problems that have occurred in her marriage since the brain surgery. hobbyartist855@yahoo.com

    • copen1 says:

      That's an interesting quote… It's strange that when life happens, sex is the first thing to go out the window when it should actually be the last.

  6. Adam Rose says:

    This is talked about in Corinthians when it says
    "Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.".
    I am not married but I can almost always tell when my married guy friends are having problems at home in the sexual department. They immediately start getting more short tempered and stressed out. A lot of the time they don't even realize it's happening. I know this because when their wives are sick (early pregnancy) or out of town the symptoms are the same.
    In short I can't imagine that same frustration built up for years. They would be soft targets for the devil.

    • gcms - great christian marriage sex says:

      Wow ! First of all, you are one of the few people who I have ever heard quote the Corinthians verses. Second of all, your observations are VERY good. Sex relieves a lot of stress. If a guy doesn't have sex, the frustrations build up badly. And, I love your comment about "They would be soft targets for the devil." VERY WELL said, and soooo true.

  7. Lovinghusband says:

    GCMS, this was so helpful. You were careful not to be too formulaic about who is at fault, or what defines adventurous for every couple, etc. As Juicy intimated in her comment – I have also seen where the roles are reversed – where the wife is the one who wants greater adventure. I think it is still more common for the man – but not uncommon for a wife to be wanting more.

    I too want to encourage you to go to "the well" of some of you other conversations you have had in this regard. This was specific enough to be very helpful. I also appreciated your humility – none of us has all the answers – but you touched on a topic that is so needy in so many places.

    None of us has "arrived"! We are all needing to keep our vision clear and to be teachable. The idea that we get married and figure some perfect sexuality out – and then just "rinse and repeat" until we die is so naive. Like every other area of our growing as disciples, we should have some real expectation that God wants to grow us and change us over time.

    Being "adventurous" is just admitting that there are many new roads (within biblical grounds) to sexually travel on in the course of our marriage. New places, new thoughts, new touches, new contexts, new rooms, new positions, new words, new order to old patterns, new ideas, new challenges, new risks, and more – all wrapped in the safety of someone who will never leave you. But – the opposite – is the other direction from growing. It is potentially stagnation, boredom and a denial that we were made to be creative in some ways like our Creator. What is deceiving is that a lack of change is given the stamp of approval as being "safe, secure, and dependable". The other description for this is a marriage that lacks a spark. So, much more to be said. I hope others will add their thoughts too.

    In no way were you giving cover, or meaning to give cover to abusive husbands or abusive wives – who are governed by selfishness – to insist on their own way. I bring that up only to state that you did not give cover for sinful decisions made by frustrated spouses – you did show that it is part of the whole context.

    Thank you again GCMS. I really appreciate what you wrote here. This conversational mode of writing is very straightforward and easy to follow. God bless you. LH

  8. Anonymous says:

    I'm now going to pray about GCMS and his marriage. You can hear some frustration about it in the way he writes…GCMS – you should forward a copy of this to your wife and use it as a discussion point. I would also encourage you to make sure your wife approves of these conversations before they happen.

    I teach a big class (120) and he is dead on – marriage failures are almost never 100% one person and rarely even 80%! And the church does a lousy job of helping marriages to prosper sexually.

    • gcms - great christian marriage sex says:

      That comment was totally unclear. First of all, you write it as anonymous. Second of all, it sure sounds like a bit of a slam. Yet, third, you give me credit for one thing I said.

      Weird response to all that I wrote. Did he spend his time looking for something to criticize or to see what I was saying.

      Very different comment…

  9. Rabbit says:

    I loved this article! Well written and decipherable (which is a huge thing for me on problems I struggle with). I thought this made so much sense, I tried sharing a quote from this with my spouse to see if we could get some dialog started, but there was an immediate retort "are you saying our sex life is bad?" An eggshell question, I way too often hear "then find someone else who is better for you".
    But this article is still hope to get over that communication hurdle.

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