Marriage Experiment Part 2

I just wanted to share that this following story was originally intended to be completed over six months ago but due to some unforeseen circumstances namely a death in my family, I just didn’t have the energy to complete this but I want to finish what I started because this was of great benefit to me and it will be of great benefit to other couples too.

 

Please read the first part http://www.marriageheat.com/2016/03/05/marriage-experiment-subject1/  if you haven’t done so already or if you need a refresher. Also please I request that there will be some strong language and terms so my apologies and reader’s discretion is advised

 

Over the next several weeks I met with Richard and Sandy to truly understand what they found as they described an exciting and life changing experience, they told me they were both raised in strict Christian homes where sex talk was taboo and everything was no because God wouldn’t want you to do that. Sandy described being scared as her body was developing in her teen years to ask questions because her mother may strike her for asking a question, Richard was your typical jock who played football and went to church several times a week but he felt that he never really fit in.  Richard and Sandy went to the same college and met early on through a mutual friend as they were the only ones not having sex according to their friends so they should hang out, they soon spent more time away from home meaning no parents to tell them what to do meaning they steered away from God.

 

I told my wife everything that was going on and our conversations and she decided that next time she would come along as it may help to have a female there as well in case Sandy felt to ashamed to speak of her past as my wife said women’s intuition  told her she should be there based on my notes.  So next meeting as was customary we met at Starbucks but they invited us to their home which was not too far from there, we got a shock when entered their home they had children as they never mentioned them or had we seen them at any of the parties we would see them at.  Ages ranged from 11,9,5 so I asked why had we never seen them before and they said in case they met a couple they wanted to swing with it was easier to seal the deal with no kids, I asked so do they always look for hookups everywhere they go and they said with no hesitation YES!  So here is where they opened up more and conversation became more graphic.

 

I asked ok tell me about what steered you both to swinging they said that Marriage was great but they both felt like a spark was missing especially after baby#2 , they tried everything from sex toys, role play, even porn that’s where I stopped and said porn? Yes Sandy said I let Richard get worked up watching porn and then he would be ready to go, I said I’m sorry but that sounds crazy was Richard not reacting to you, Sandy said no I had baby weight so I was unattractive so I didn’t blame him. My wife said how about some counseling maybe that would have helped but Sandy shot that down fast as they are all useless and judgmental and they all just want your money.   Finally a mutual friend of theirs suggested swinging and took them to a swing party where as Sandy described it was like Disneyland for sex, they were just casual observers that night but went home and had hot sex. Richard thought it was just voyeurism but soon they both discovered that they needed more than to be casual watchers so they went to a swingers club and started as just soft swap which is just kissing other couples, touching, even sometimes oral. Richard said he felt a rush when he saw Sandy orally pleasuring other men and women, I’m just listening and writing  because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing they were becoming regulars with nothing off limits until they finally took ultimate leap 6 months later and decided to full swap which was have sex with another couples significant other.  Sandy could be with as many as 4 men a night where everything was on the table sexually from two men at a time to two men and two women while Richard watched or was off somewhere else doing the same.  I want to stop here just to let that all sink in because the next couple of details surprised me as to why you would continue this lifestyle, at the time of the interview they had been active for 6yrs now remember I mentioned that youngest child was 5 well there was a time that they thought Sandy was pregnant from one their so called playmates because lots of the time they were engaging in unprotected sex. I asked if that possibly made them think twice about doing this they both answered yes but decided that from now on they would be more careful and be exclusive with who they had unprotected sex with and Sandy to take birth control, they did stop from Sandy’s second trimester until she gave birth then went right back 3 months after their youngest was born.

 

I at this point was completely emotional drained and called it a night, I will document the end result of this experiment within the next week or so but I can say this made me really sad how lost these two were because they spoke like as if this was normal and had saved their marriage you will see that this instead made them grow farther apart and how it affected their children.

3.94 avg. rating (79% score) - 17 votes
15 replies
  1. John Flint
    John Flint says:

    Steph

    It's awesome that you are concerned about what God thinks. I think it is also important to know why He would not want us to have threesomes etc. It is because He loves us and doesn't want to see us hurt or destroy ourselves, families and marriages. He wants us to have pleasure but not be destroyed in or by it.

    You said: My Husband wants more. I like the pleasure, but I fear what God thinks. No pastor, fellowship, therapist or prayers have helped us. I am exhausted emotionally and mentally. What do I do? How do I help Jimmy so he feels satisfied? I am lost.

    The reason no pastor therapist etc has helped is simply because Jimmy doesn't want help. He wants threesomes. No one including God will over-ride our will to do want we really want to do. It is not your responsibility to satisfy Jimmy in this thing he wants to do. Giving yourself to be used for his and Greg's pleasure will NEVER be enough. This type of thing produces a high that over time dulls and greater stimulation is needed. 4somes, orgy, swapping etc. You will keep giving away a piece of yourself and will wake up one day a fractured soul, broken used and lost. Then there is disease, divorce, jealousy, pregnancy to risk also.
    You are in a very serious place in life that may require courage like you have never had before. Complete removal from the lifestyle and it's related events and people is needed for starters with a serious discussion with Jimmy about who he is going to live for: God and you ….or forbidden destructive pleasures.
    Be assured God loves you very very much as is not condemning you but is calling you to wholeness and freedom. I will pray for you. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Cling to Him and his people and you will never regret choosing his way. Hopefully Jimmy will too but he has to want it…really really want to be free.
    I will pray for you

  2. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Steph,

    May I ask you some important clarifying questions?

    You said that "no pastor, no fellowship," etc. – have helped.

    Questions: Are you part of a local church? Is it that you have met and actually talked with a pastor? If so, what was the counsel you received from him? Was there specific guidance offered to you from the perspective of the Bible?

    If you are part of a church – what is your regular fellowship connection with people in that local church? Are there other solid Christian ladies who know you well? Have you been open to biblical counsel from those ladies in your life?

    My questions have to do with finding out how the pastor and the fellowship have been ineffective in your life.

    I will await your answers. Perhaps that will be helpful for me and others to get a better feel about where you are personally coming from. If you have on been on the periphery of a local church – and not openly involved and connected (for example) – that would be a helpful thing for prospective "counselors" to know about you.

    I'll pray for you guys. May God bless you. LH

  3. StephDicicco
    StephDicicco says:

    Confused. Need help which is why I am on this site. Maybe this is an answer to prayer? I ask that you please not judge me or my husband, but I — me personally — am coming from 180 degrees opposite of where you all are.

    My husband and I have been married for almost 7-years. When we met, my husband was an executive producer for an adult entertainment film company in Portland. At the time, he produced adult oriented educational videos. Months into our relationship I told him while having coffee together that I wanted to see some of his work. He smiled then promised he would send me some links. Later that night when I got home from work, he had sent me an email with several links. I must have masturbated 6, maybe 7 times? Fast forward a year. We are now married.

    One night a question that had I had been mulling came out. "Do you ever fantasize about doing the things in the videos you produce?" His unabashed, calm, and confident "Of course" answer startled me and left me stunned. "Why would my husband want me to be with another woman or man?" I wondered. Fast forward a few months.

    Pillow talk late one night. Jimmy turns to me and asks, "Haven't you ever had a threesome or … foursome?" Again, I was stunned. I assured not only had I not, I had never entertained such a desire — until then. So I asked him, "Would you seriously be okay with another man or woman touching me, putting their hands or mouth on me — or more?" Again, without blinking he answered with an absolute, "Absolutely! I would love to have a threesome with you. Def prefer me and Greg, but I know Heather has eyed at you before." I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK! I WAS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS; VOID OF EMOTION; NUMB. Played it off as being tired. All that week, I couldn't get the conversation out of my head nor could push aside the videos I had watched. I couldn't ignore how turned on I was by them. I became confused. I sat him down and asked that we have a serious heart to heart. "Jimmy, do you really feel that having a threesome is something you want to experience with me?" He said yes. "Can you promise me you won't get jealous, pist off, and leave me? Because if you think that wold happen, it isn't worth it!" I said.

    "Babe, I lived the rock-n-roll life for years before we met. Not much I haven't done. I want you to experience the most intense sexual pleasure possible. I know with certainty we would be do great." That week he invited Greg over for dinner. I knew he and Greg had talked all week about him coming over, and "plans" were made. I trusted my husband, and I knew Greg. I liked him as a person so I trusted him as well. Hours after dinner, I was brought to the room where things happened. It was earth shattering. We had a total of five threesomes. Jimmy wanted more, and more often. I wanted less because I felt that I just wanted my husband. Fast forward 2 years without a single threesome. Jimmy is "starving" for more time with him and Greg on me; he would love it if I came to him and asked to have Greg join us.

    He wants more. I like the pleasure, but I fear what God thinks. No pastor, fellowship, therapist or prayers have helped us. I am exhausted emotionally and mentally. What do I do? How do I help Jimmy so he feels satisfied? I am lost.

  4. Deane
    Deane says:

    So sad. And not as rare as we'd like to think. The wreckage couples do to themselves and others — and especially their own children — by "swinging" is incalculable.

  5. Hopeful Hubby
    Hopeful Hubby says:

    First of all thanks to all who offered their condolences on the loss in my family, but also thanks to all who commented yes I agree that this is like a drug and that high they experience. I have been drafting the final parts of this sad story over this long weekend and hopefully you will see on here soon.

  6. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I know, right? Very disgusting too 🙁 If you truly love your spouse you wouldn't let them do this! Needless to say my husband would be extremely jealous too!

  7. HornyHubby
    HornyHubby says:

    I'm glad to see the continuation of this series. I've been anticipating it ever since the first post. (Sorry to hear of the death in your family.)

    I have a background in counseling, specifically marriage and family, and this particular topic (swinging) has always intrigued me. What I mean by that is that I seek to understand the "why" behind people's behaviors and actions. So you might say swinging has been like a challenging case study for me.

    On the one hand, like PacMan said, I can understand the initial thrill behind it: something new, something taboo and off limits, the thrill of doing something "naughty," etc. But also like PacMan pointed out, there is a dark side to this. And I see how others can wonder, "Why or what would be the point to this?"

    Here's what I have discovered about this lifestyle: When they say that it provides a "thrill" and that it helps bring them closer together, here's what I think is going on: When you see your spouse being sexual with someone else, there IS jealousy. And when you are jealous of someone else's attention on your spouse, it arouses something in you that says, "That's mine! Back off!" Similar to a toddler that doesn't want the toy until another toddler starts playing with it.

    Combine that with the "rush" and "thrill" of the moment and the orgasm (which increases dopamine in normal circumstances) and the dopamine rush is very much like a drug hit. (I once read that the brain releases so much dopamine during orgasms, that during brain scans it resembled the brain scan of someone on heroin) That feeling is like the feeling of being "high" on a drug and so you get addicted to the high. Since you experienced that high while swinging, you associate that high feeling with swinging. But you're really not addicted or hooked on swinging, it's the dopamine high that you notice and are addicted to. But the only way to get the dopamine level that high again is to keep pushing the boundaries.

    This is illustrated by this couple's story. They started out with porn, then just watching at a sex club, then soft swap, then full swap, then bisexual and multiple partners at the same time. See how it escalated? Because, like with any drug, your body gets accustomed to one level. So you have to increase the amount of the drug in order to get the same high you got the first time. Then you get accustomed to that and you have to increase it again. This is what leads to overdosing. The person doesn't realize how much they are putting in, or they don't care, and their body can't handle it and they die. But with dopamine from orgasm and sexual related activity it doesn't ever get to that point so people just keep going further and further in the "the lifestyle" until they are not only full blown swingers, but they have had so many partners they don't know the number.

    And the dopamine high lasts a few days so that's why they think it brings them closer. Between the jealousy and the rush of doing something taboo (especially if, like this couple, they were raised in a Christian environment that didn't teach them about hot sex in marriage) the dopamine high is off the charts. So they feel good immediately after and for a few days. They mistakenly think that good feeling is the swinging bringing them closer together and enhancing their marriage. Funny how it wears off after a few days though isn't it? That's because it isn't the swinging so much as it is the dopamine rush they are now addicted to. But because the taboo sex and the jealousy puts the dopamine so far off the charts, there's nothing else quite like it. So they don't have anything else to turn to in order to replace it.

    It's similar to someone who has looked at porn. After porn use, plain old vanilla sex with just one person is boring. So they don't want to give it up. But studies have shown that if you will give it up, then your brain will eventually get acclimated to the sex with just your spouse and over time the dopamine level will go down. Then sex with your spouse will be exciting again. The problem is that porn and swinging gives you an immediate rush of dopamine. Whereas it can take months to get acclimated to a lower level with just your spouse. And people don't want to wait that long. Especially when they can get the immediate rush with porn or swinging.

    Sorry this is so long. I didn't intend for it to be this long. But that's what I have learned about it. So they aren't so much addicted to the swinging or even the porn, it's the dopamine high they are addicted to.

  8. John
    John says:

    I think it has to do with.
    1. Men want their wives to be very sexual. And when they see them sexual with another man. It plays to their ego. Essentially saying… Look what I have. I am letting you experience what is mine. Isn't it great.
    2. It is a also a visual thing. Essentially living porn.
    3. Being with them also allows the man to experience another woman also. A full swap.
    It is not entirely unlike when we tell an extremely explicit story about our wife on this site then include a picture.
    We get a boost to our ego and a sexual rush when we see that people "enjoy" our spouse and masterbate to the image and story.

    It is just farther down the road.

    I would wager few relationships survive the wreakage, disease, emotional turmoil and spiritual bondage of a lifestyle like it.

  9. JAM777
    JAM777 says:

    I agree, it is sad…
    I would think it would be so violating too… I believe in the oneness of marriage… so for the one of the partners to be with another woman or with another guy, just seems so violating to me…

    I hope that you might be able to show them Christ's love! And that they might experience the power of His cleansing blood!!!

  10. PacMan
    PacMan says:

    I can somewhat understand the "thrill" that swinging inately has. Kind of like cocaine. If all you hear about is the "high" – one won't fully understand the risk or destructive side. I appreciate this conversation happening on MH! And way to go Horny Hubby showing non-judgment and good listening skills… like a MH all-star!

  11. Gracie
    Gracie says:

    This is an interesting read, Hopeful Hubby. Wow. It's hard to believe that anyone would want to engage in this type of lifestyle. Looking forward to hearing how this all ends, good I hope. Thanks for sharing.

  12. Juicy
    Juicy says:

    Looking forward to more. My husband and I have had discussions on this very matter and wonder why? What benefit? Consequences and so on. I just can't wrap my head around it and see how it would strengthen a marriage.

  13. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    It is sad. How could this guy get a "rush" from watching his wife pleasure others?! I'd be extremely jealous if I saw my husband do something like that!

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