Anniversary Advice
Hey fam! It’s been a while since I’ve visited MH- life has been crazy. Anyway, our 1st anniversary is coming up!! As some of you know, we were twenty-something yr old virgins when we married, so this past year has been spent exploring the world of sex. And can I just say…. SEX IS AMAZING! Especially when used how God intended it.
1st of all, I’d like to say that we are not having sex as much as I feel I need it (every day ;)) simply because of the fact that my husband is so busy, and when he’s not busy, he’s tired. He works two jobs and volunteers at our church anywhere from 15-20 hours/wk. This means I’m lucky if we are intimate once a week. I mean, what kind of sex life is that for a newlywed couple in their twenties that waited all those years to get it ON?! Most of the time, I feel unsatisfied and sexually frustrated. So, if any of you have any input on that situation, feel free to share.
The reason I posted today, though, was to ask you for advice on our anniversary. I’ve never had an anniversary when you actually got to have sex! *giggles* I want to have some really special, set apart time in the bedroom together. Do any of you have ANY advice of how I can spice things up that night or make it special?
My 38th anniversary if coming up next month. Have you ever been to a concert? After a certain concert my husband and I always "get it on" as you say it. Or maybe a movie? When I first got married, we always danced and went to movies, and that went on a lot over the years. Try a special date night. God bless you, darling.
Did you at least talk about this? Communication is so important, and yes, I agree a date night can be a great idea to bring the spark back. Or maybe, make him a meal that he likes, something special. Maybe try cooking in lingerie! 😉 He might like that. Set the atmosphere with candles, dim light can make it more romantic.
Dress sexily in front of him that night either lingerie or some short stuff with stockings and heels!! I love to see my wife in that… And it just turns me on … Or try to do some roleplay definitely it will work.
Well, here are my thougbts…In Deut 24:5 it says if a man is recently married he is to stay home for a year and bring happiness to his wife. I've always felt that was good advice. I feel it's important for a couple to bond together and the best way to do that is to spend a lot of time together and have lots of sex in that first year. So I say don't get pregnant in the first year, don't even get a dog! Really spend as much time together as possible. Now if it's necessary for financial reasons that one of you works 2 jobs or goes to school, I understand we have to do what we have to do. But honestly I would say cut out the church volunteering. That would free up 20 hours a week at least. Your marriage is more important. And the church will get by without you. Let someone else who isn't a newlywed take his place for a while.
As far as the anniversary goes, do you have a special restaurant you both love? My wife and I like Olive Garden. We went there the night we got engaged, the night we got married and we've been there for every anniversary since. And we go to the same location too! So that's a fun anniversary tradition. And a couple of times we told the management we had been doing that and they gave us a free dessert! Especially when we told them it was out tenth anniversary.
But other than that we take a weekend and have lots of sex and do something fun like walk around downtown or go see a new romantic comedy movie. That part varies because we just do whatever we want for a weekend. And we don't spend time with family or friends that weekend. It is OUR weekend.
For our first anniversary we got a cheap bullet style vibrator to try and it has been great for her. Other than that we spent the weekend in a hotel naked the entire time just waiting for the next round of fun
Hi,
1 Peter 3:7 gives this instruction to husbands…
"Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker
vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
I want to focus briefly on a husband's calling to live with his wife in an understanding way.
This certainly includes "understanding" the needs of his wife.
You said that you are "unsatisfied and sexually frustrated". My question is: Does your husband understand this? Have you communicated this to him? If not (or if you are not sure), I encourage you to work on this aspect (talk, write, text, email, send up smoke signals). It is possible somehow for him to have the wrong understanding about how satisfied or unsatisfied you are – or what your needs are. If you think he does understand, then talk with him about making adjustments. You both have great flexibility now – at this early point in your marriage – EVEN with busyness of schedule you mentioned. I can think of a hundred scenarios of how you two can find time for more sex with. You have more flexibility than you think. I think the first issue is to communicate about your needs and unfulfilled sexual desires.
I want to believe that his response will be that he will want to satisfy that fire burning in you! God bless you both. Merry Christmas! LH
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I agree with Harper, the best thing to do regarding your sex life is to communicate to your spouse. I suggest not during sex or in the bedroom, but in another place. These types of things happen, I know as I have been married for 32 years. If I let my husband know about my needs, he certainly tries to meet them. Marriage is about compromise and I am sure you and your husband can find a middle ground. Men love romance as much as us ladies, so I suggest sending him love notes (texts) leading up to the anniversary, maybe making a heart of rose petals on your bed, candles, etc. Basically pull out all the stops and I am sure it will be a celebration to remember. Congratulations on your first anniversary and many many more!
First off I want to compliment your husband on working so hard to support your family and also for having a servants heart- good for you guys!
I remember when I was first married in my 20's I had many sexual fantasies and desires- and had no idea how to communicate those to my wife.
This went on for years. We had our sex and every now and then it was passionate- but usually it was going through the motions and usually I had to fantasize about something to have an orgasm.
I thought that was weird – until studying up on it and realized that after awhile many people think about something that turns them on to at least get in the mood.
Something to think about – do you have desires and fantasies that help get you in the mood? Maybe your husband doesn't know about these so while you're in the mood he's not.
Maybe your husband has built up desires and has no idea how to express them without feeling like you would think he's crazy.
Like many people have said above, communication is key – many guys don't talk a lot, but I can tell you for the most part guys like to talk about sports, cars, hot girls- and sex. They think about sex a lot. But they've never been able to open up to anyone about it- and that's scary.
So communication is great- hopefully you have some hot desires that you can share with him- if you can get him over his comfort zone I can almost guarantee you he will love to talk about sex!
But if I were you I'd do some research first on guys top fantasies if you haven't done that already. What comes up in the conversation may knock you sideways if you're not prepared.
Sharing intimacy and deep desires together takes courage- but it's well worth it if you can be open with each other and not judgmental.
Taking couples fantasy quizzes can help get the ball rolling.
@ Marie Lister I've been married 32 years myself, and I agree with what you say, and I think that the bedroom should be kept exclusively for sleep and sexual activity, so basically the good times, and you can talk about problems elsewhere.
We've never done this ourselves, but never EVER talk about problems during sex – it's one of the worst things you can do sex wise and how can you expect to enjoy it then?
Having been overly taxed in the first years of our marriage, I can understand the strain on intimacy. But nothing is more important than your relationship, and sexual intimacy is a vital part of that relationship. It is commendable for your husband to be so engaged with Church responsibilities while working two jobs. But 20 hrs is a lot of time for a young, newly married man struggling to get on top financially. Wouldn't 5-10 hrs be sufficient until things calm down?
As for your anniversary. Communication is key for sexual fulfillment. I'm not all that good at discussing what excites me with face to face frank talks in a non-sexual setting. I have learned to communicate by making simple statements and asking simple questions. "I love you, I miss touching you.", "I fantasize about you doing…", "What have you been fantasizing about lately?" "Besides more sleep, what would make you hot?" "I was thinking about your (attractive part of his anatomy)". "I want to touch…". "I had a dream about us (sexual act or position). I woke up very hot." "I was thinking about when we…", Because we had no sexual experience before marriage, we often wonder and generate mental pictures and stories about what we would have done sexually together at earlier phases in our life (as a cheerleader, in the locker room, after a final in a classroom, at the library, on a family beach trip as teenagers, hiking, at a hot tub, etc.). None of these communications have much chance of turning confrontational, but I suggest clearly what I desire sexually, as does my wife. Our sex life has become sophisticated and very rich over the years. Yet, I can never remember one of us asking or pushing each other to change or alter a technique, or engage in a particular sexual act. The discovery of each other has been fulfilling and fun.
Good morning,
Like In Love, I too compliment your husband for working so hard to provide for you. But as Horny Hubby said, for now the church volunteer work can wait. The Creator of the Universe can get along nicely without us helping Him, tee-hee. That said, it is commendable that he is devoted to His Savior so deeply. But even the Levites were to not be involved with the ministry of the temple for the first year or so of marriage (can't remember the exact time span, but…).
And Loving Husband's admonition for husbands to live in understanding of their wives is correct. And the key to that is communication indeed. Now that is where I wish to encourage you to be circumspect on *how* you communicate. Newly minted Iowa Senator Joni Ernst ran her platform as a country girl living on a farm, and knew how to use the instruments to castrate hogs. She won on that concept, of getting rid of the pork.
Well. All too often, we husbands are "castrated" by our wives' tongues. James points out the destructive power of the tongue in vivid terms. That said, how you communicate your needs and desires is vitally important. Praise him. Adore him. Respect his passion for Christ and also for you. Then encourage him.
But!
*When* you communicate these things is also important. "Honey, we're not making love enough" just ought not be said right after you two are laying there exhausted and covered in sweat! Joni Ernst, move over! Timing is everything. So may I encourage you to be well rehearsed in how you ask him to shift his priorities so that he is honoring you more in your marriage bed (or living room, or dining room, or… 🙂 ), but also, as you know his heart better than all of us, determine the best time to share your heart with him.
Grace and peace,
Jim