Fantasies and Having That Conversation

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have a great relationship but like many long-term couples we got to a point where our bedroom life was being neglected.

One day I wrote down my fantasies that I have and wondered what it would be like to share them with my wife. I started to feel empty about our sex life as I have a high sex drive and my wife could have sex once or twice a month and be fine.

My passion grew so great one day that I opened up, I mean spilled the beans. I told her how often I masturbated, what my top erotic fantasies were and went through a list of things I’d like to try together- role play, going to a topless beach, etc.

To my surprise my wife didn’t get mad or sad, she listened and that’s amazing support.

Now if you look up male top fantasies, well there’s usually a clear #1 followed by several other common fantasies.

I’m no different than most guys – so I guess God made us to have this threesome fantasy. To me, it’s just a fantasy- I have no intention or desire to make it come true as my heart is with Christ.

However, when it’s time to get in the mood this is a go to for me. But I wanted to share it with my wife, I wanted to grow together through Christ and become truly one with her as Christ planned- and I had absolutely no idea where this might go by bringing it up. But, what’s the worst that could happen- sex once or twice a month as usual?

After the conversation, we had passionate sex for a few nights in a row and when that spark started to burn out I wrote a few fantasy stories for her to read. I don’t think she got much out of those so I suggested we look at images together. So, we looked at topless beach pictures and enjoyed looking at those together. We had some passionate moments and as a usual guy, I kept pushing the envelope. LOL!

So, it’s been a process – but I’m determined to not stop until we reach a certain level of intimacy – even though I don’t know what that is. Probably talking about fantasies together, role playing, something like that. Really, whatever turns her on would be fine with me.

As our conversations went deeper, I found out that my wife had never masturbated. We had talked about how much I’d like to watch her one day, but then I realized she had never done that and a lot of my sexual learning and desires came from masturbation. So, I changed course and thought she may find sex more interesting if she discovered her own sexuality and enjoyment from sex.  So, one day I went to the store and bought roses and spread them out across the bed and opened several marriage heat stories that I thought she’d like. I wrote a love letter and left it on the bed with the iPad and rose petals. I encouraged her to take some time for herself. I had put a jar of coconut oil next to the bed and encouraged her to rub the oils over her body.

I took the kids out and told her I’d call before coming home and we’d be back in a few hours. For the first time in our marriage, she sent me some very sexy texts over the next couple of hours and I was so turned on, feeling closer to her sexually than ever before.

Over the next several weeks, I took the kids out a couple of times a week so she could have some alone time. Every time I came home she was very intimate, wrapping her arms around me, kissing me, and our love was passionate those nights.

I even bought the book, Jenna’s Journal, and a new journal for her. I was hoping she’d come up with some of her own fantasies and write them down or just tell me about them. That hasn’t happened yet but we’ve come a long way.

We’re still a work in progress and things have slowed down a bit now that schools in session, sports, etc. But intimately, we communicate so much better, I can even lay next to her on nights she’s too tired and hold her while I masturbate, that’s an incredible feeling of closeness that we never had before.

We went on a vacation (no kids) and we made love a couple of times a day, so when our schedules aren’t so hectic I can see that we’re growing closer intimately.

My dream is for my wife and I to be able to learn how to get ourselves so wound up and hot, at the peak of arousal together while we make love. I know the Lord can do all things and if it’s his will then it will be. My wife is amazing! I love her so much and I’d marry her over and over and over again!

That’s why I’m determined to not give up and continue to encourage her to develop her own fantasies and discover what turns her on. Every time we have a conversation about fantasies and desires we both get worked up and the sex is passionate. So, I’ve learned just talking about desires and fantasies with her is a great start.

3.84 avg. rating (77% score) - 31 votes
11 replies
  1. hornyGG
    hornyGG says:

    I believe fantasies are a normal part of a person's sexual psychi. Ben and I love to share and sometimes act out certain ones. Others we keep for our own personal pleasures or in our "spank bank" as Ben sometimes puts it. Masturbation and fantasies go hand in hand ( pardon the pun), they stoke the fires of our sexuality. Keep Christ in your heart and he will guide your mind.

  2. Juicy
    Juicy says:

    I love that you became open to communicate with one another. So many times we keep our desires to ourselves and it wells up inside and it gets us no where. And kuddos to you for giving her alone time to learn herself! You will reap the rewards!

  3. Bootylicious
    Bootylicious says:

    "Why would God give you a sinful idea?"

    Harper, we are by nature sinful and unclean. That's what original sin means. Our whole being is corrupted, which means our thoughts, desires, feelings, inclinations, leanings etc. (what the ancients called concupiscence). The person that steals has a desire to take what doesn't belong to him or her. God didn't give them that thought. It came from the sinful desires within (Mt.15:19; Mk 7:21). You can do that with any sin. And fantasies, sexual desires, lust etc. are no exception. Our sexual desires are often soiled with sin. The solution is not to defend and justify them; it's repentance. "Lord have mercy upon, a poor sinful being."

  4. Happy Husband
    Happy Husband says:

    I have to agree with other comments here. God did not design us for sin, but he did design us to have free will. I have had frequent threesome fantasies and my wife, conservative and as modest as she is, admits that she has used them too in the past when trying to orgasm. This is a sin on our part and, to be clear, we have never had a desire to actually be in a threesome. My wife does everything that she can to avoid those thoughts now and I admit that I am less successful but try to avoid. However, when we are frequently together and enjoying and blessing each other, my mind is entirely free of those thoughts and I have little to no struggle. The same is true for her. God designed us to be together with our married spouse, but the images and temptations of the world abound and invade our imperfect souls. God did not make us invulnerable to temptation and sin. As Paul wrote in Romans, husband and wife are to give their bodies to one another, his belongs to her and hers to him, so that they can come together lest they be tempted. This forum and our marriages are to be a refuge to both enjoy God's intended blessings and to celebrate sex as intended – between one man and one woman, husband and wife.

  5. Been blessed
    Been blessed says:

    "I’m no different than most guys – so I guess God made us to have this threesome fantasy."
    To the OP, God's design for marriage is between one woman and one man, exclusively. There is no way that you can Biblically attribute a sinful fantasy to God, and suggest that He gave it to us all.

  6. John Flint
    John Flint says:

    As one coming from a similair place with little sex, and a lot of masterbating i commend you for your honesty with your wife. That is the key to intimacy and oneness. A very powerful thing. My experience with fanstasy is ….I fantastied about my wife and I for years….almost nightly. We have great beach sex experiences i could feed off of. Then I looked at pictures of nude beaches. That lead to other stories and pictures of other sexual activity. Stopping the pictures wasn't so hard but now a door into crazy wild sexual activity had been opened. And my fantasizing included others and went off the charts erotic sexual and perverse. I won't say what as many read this and feed their masterbation with these stories. What I have noticed is as I fantasize about having others in our sex life longer and longer it has become "normal" and less taboo. I am slowly being pushed over years and years to try and make it reality. If my wife was in it with me fantasizing and talking about it that would be like putting gas on a fire and someday somewhere something would probably happen. And from my past real life experience you would be surprised what can happen with no planning or warning. And a LOT of damage and pain would result.
    Fantasizing with others in it does have consequences and is very hard to control and contain. God did not design us for that and our flesh and the devil will try to push us there everyday.
    I now have the work of pulling my mind back to our own sexual relationship to prevent the pain, destruction that awaits down the other people fantasizing path. And it is a lot of work. We are desirous of change in our marriage and know what the problems mostly are. Hopefully I can "unload" my postion on my wife sometime I know she would care and help. But it is scary. That is so awesome your wife is becoming more sexual and thanks for sharing how you told her. Bless you

  7. youngcocouple2006
    youngcocouple2006 says:

    I have had the same type of experiences. My wife was very shy and didn't do much "exciting" things. Once she realized how much into sex I was, she has worked to fulfill my needs. I have given her "alone time" and it has helped her sexualiity alot.

  8. Upcomingauthor
    Upcomingauthor says:

    Honestly, this is what it's all about. Getting that deeper connection with our spouse and moving forward and coming together in the midst of all the craziness.

    I know the journey, my brotha, as it's taken me a while as well to help my wife overcome not knowing her own body and knowing that I learned a lot of the things I know about my own body by masturbating. There is just something special about helping our ladies overcome what they do to their own bodies so we can do more together. I pray that you guys keep growing together so one day you won't be able to keep your hands off each other 🙂

  9. Marie Lister
    Marie Lister says:

    This is such an excellent example of a couple who are truly in tune with each other. I love that you "laid it all out there" and shared what was on your heart. I love that your Bride listened and showed interest. Then the fact that it Lee to really hot sex for you is a fantastic byproduct.

    To me, the best part is your help, guidance and support for your wife to learn how her "body" works. The fact that you gave her alone time shows to me and I am sure to her, how much you value and respect her.

    Your intimacy is going to improve so much due to your actions. I am sure you are or soon will be reaping the rewards of your consideration and love shown to your wife. What you did was truly an amazing gift for both of you.

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