To Those of You Who Waited…

Was it worth it? How did it feel?

I did not wait, and sometimes I wish I had. I’m so afraid of not finding the right person or to get my heart broken. All I want to do is be a good Christian wife, but sometimes I do not know if someone would see that in me.

I did not wait. I’ve been through so much abuse in my life that I thought God wanted me to be alone. I thought to wait was for pure loving Christians and that after all my emotional, physical and even sexual abuse in my life I was too messed up to be that person. Sometimes, as a single girl, I contemplate going abstinent in any future relationship if I find someone.

To those who waited, is there any advice you would like to give me? And to those who are waiting, please don’t make the same mistakes I did.

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9 replies
  1. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Honey I'm so sorry for what you went through! My husband and I were both sexually abused when as kids, so we know what that's like. But by the grace of God, we got through this, and we did wait until our wedding night to have sex for the first time. It was wonderful! There was a bit of virginal pain, but that was very brief. Our past did not impede us from having a great sex life. Celibacy within marriage is unbiblical (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Now, you not waiting was wrong, I'm sure you know that. But if you He is faithful and just to forgive you (1 John 1:9).

    On a final note – Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved (Acts 16:31). God bless you, my dear

  2. Loved by my Wife says:

    Waiting was one of the best decisions I made. It is a blessing to only have one woman to think about.
    Harper probably said it better, but please do not be sexually involved with anyone but your spouse – not even your future spouse: it messes with your brain. I would go so far as to say that if you are not intending to be pure in a relationship, then you are not ready for a relationship.
    If you are the type of person who responds well to harsh criticism, try listening to The Mark Gungor show.

  3. Upcomingauthor says:

    My wife and I didn't wait. Thanks be to God we only ever have been with each other because we broke up for a moment shortly after we started having sex, and it tore both of us up, and both of us in time apart contemplated just getting over with it and moving on. I got closer than she and I'm glad in the moment I said no and didn't make the phone call I was going to make.

    I messed around with other stuff (oral, and touching and seeing) before I met her but I was her first for everything but kissing. I broke hearts of girls just to mess around with them and for a long time and for a while I thought that I didn't deserve anyone.

    One thing I know to be true–God did not design us to be alone. Adam was perfect, had everything, and God still said he needed someone, that "it was not good for man to be alone" and so eve came to be. You are missing a piece of you, and they are out there somewhere. Keep trusting in God's grace, and know that he forgives all sins, and don't blame yourself for things that were not your choice.

    Also remember that Hosea's wife was a prostitute, and he kept on loving her even though she kept running back into her sin. In the same way Christ loves and sacrificed for us, we are for our spouses. Anyone that can't forgive you for the past that you have is not one designed from God to you.

    Hold out for the one made for you, the past is the past, you still have a reward waiting for you and whomever it is will be thankful your realized the mistakes and worked for a better future.

  4. Adam Rose says:

    As a single man what I look for first in a potential life partner is religious maturity. (In other words, someone who has fruits of the spirit)
    I find that a lot of highly religious (but mostly empty people) obsess over virginity.
    As a single virgin myself I find a woman with a healthy self respect and a commitment to virtue is more attractive than any virgin who has everything together but is constantly worried what everyone thinks of her.
    I'll let you ladies in on a secret. Any man who looks at your body to the exclusion of your sole is not a man but a boy. Don't tolerate someone who wants to have sex before you are married. Jesus baught you at a terrible price. Honor the value he put on you at the cross and godly men will be drawn to you. I garintee it!
    In closing…We are all broken in some way. Some of us are just better at hidding it

  5. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Sorry about my terrible typing, I meant to write "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

  6. TPC says:

    I'm so sorry that you have been abused. The Lord can redeem your past and provide a Song of Solomon marriage in the future. My guess is that the Lord is more interested in you and helping you recover and heal than dwelling on your past. Probably not going to be any easy road or a quick process, but a journey that the Lord can use to bring you closer to Him. I would encourage you to find a godly married woman who has a positive view of sex to be a mentor in this area. Ask the Lord to bring such a lady into your life and then do the hard work of seeking one out.
    Blessings

  7. TPC says:

    Sorry forgot to answer your first question. My wife and I waited, but it was not easy. After 20+ marriage, the process of waiting was good for us because we really appreciate the freedom we have now. In addition our relationship (sexual and non sexual) still takes a lot of tending (like a fire or in cooking). The Lord uses the process of relationship tending to refine both my wife and I more into His image. Not always fun but fruitful.

  8. sarah k says:

    Amazing what one finds when looking through older stories.

    We waited, I so wanted to have sex that I think it is only by God's grace and the love of masturbation God has given me that I didn't heavily throw myself at my beloved. He would have resisted me, being a strong man of God. Him being so strong meant I knew I was safe with him, one of the reasons I love him so much.

    Part of marriage is having sex; that is in God's plan. We are supposed to want sex. We are supposed to be getting horny. I'll even add it is essential for marriage. Paul said to 'not deprive each other'. Sexual desire is good and God-given. Enjoy your horniness and embrace masturbation.

    And I 'll give you a secret: masturbation should continue into marriage. I have been married for 27 years, and both sex and masturbation are valued components of our marriage.

    I have older friends who never married, and my kids are teens and twenties; masturbation is their saving grace. Whether any will get married, only God knows. We do not know why some people do not find a spouse and then some also lose their spouse young. I can only say, put your relationship with God first. God lets us choose our husbands.

    If you can find me on a forum, I can lend you support, and I'm sure that goes for the others here also.

    Peace of Christ be with you.
    Sarah

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