My wife and I have been married for 14 years. I have a very high sex drive. When we married my wife was a virgin and 23 years old. I was her first kiss and first everything.
For the first several years, sex was always extremely painful for her. So we usually would not have actual intercourse unless she was loose that day or if we were trying to get pregnant.
Even on our honeymoon, she didn’t have any days where she craved sex several times. Her desire has just never been there- I think. I’m sure the pain she suffered from intercourse didn’t help.
My wife knew so little about sex that she didn’t even know that I masturbated for the first couple of years into our marriage. She cried and couldn’t understand how I had a desire so often. She was fine with being intimate once every couple of months and I wanted it a couple of times a day. I felt bad about always bugging her. My dream has always been for her to not look at sex as a wife duty to her husband (which she has verbally expressed a few times) but to actually have her own sexuality and desires.
She’s read several stories on this site and for awhile I tried to give her alone time to self-discover. I’d take the kids out for a few hours, even bought her a toy, put rose petals all over the bed, etc. She really is the sweetest and most wonderful woman in the world and I’m so thankful God blessed me by bringing us together.
During these times I would, of course, encourage her to fantasize and discover what arouses her. She went through the process but ultimately I think it was still more for the fact that I wanted her to not because of her own desire. I was hoping it would lead to sparking her long term desire but that hasn’t happened.
A couple of years ago, I told my wife about my desires and passions. Fantasies that turned me on with the hope that something would trigger an arousal in her and she’d discover what she liked. She was I’m sure shocked a bit but took it in stride. She’s read several books that are for sale on this site and she gets ideas from them. She really does have a fun and adventurous side but it’s not a desire that stays with her when we have a fun time together. When I encourage her to fantasize she always asks the right question that is most important; will God be pleased or unpleased by my thoughts if I fantasize about something specific? Everyone has their own convictions God puts on their hearts.
Now for me, and I’m assuming many men, I’ve got fantasies that in real life if acted out would be sinful. I’ve trained my fantasies to never think about specific people just scenarios. My convictions told me early on that thinking about specific people was not ok for me.
I’ve also trained my thoughts to always include my wife no matter the scenario. It’s always something romantic that she is aroused by in my fantasy. I’m sure many men can envision what those scenarios are.
I’ve been encouraging my wife to fantasize and find what works for her. One of my questions, for both husbands and wives, is for the women who had a low sexual drive and then discovered it, what was the process? Was it learning to use your brain to trigger arousal to get you in the mood? If so what helped you get past certain boundaries in your mind and overcome the feelings of shame and guilt if there were any? What are some things you learned to fantasize about that increased your desire?
For men who’ve been encouraging their wives to discover their sexuality and their wives have found it, what worked for her and what mistakes were made along the way that you would avoid doing again?
For example, my wife and I watched a couple of adult movies. Yep, I was trying anything to spark her after 10 years. That was actually too fake. I’m more into real romance even in my fantasies. So we tried looking at romantic love making images. My wife didn’t mind that. We even had some nice love making a couple of times but nothing that sparked a long term sexual desire in her.
After a couple of times, she asked, “Aren’t I enough for you?” I told her that I didn’t think I was enough for her. The fact is if I never got a hard on when we were together (and that wasn’t because of a medical issue) that would probably bug her. And she agreed. I asked her how she thinks I feel when to have sex I have to lube her up with a ton of liquid stuff just to make it possible. I explained that I can use my brain to trigger an arousal within 30 seconds. I encouraged her practice this and learn to get so aroused by her thoughts that her vagina became wet and she began to have those sexual cravings. Have any women out there learned to do this? If so, are there any tricks or tips that you can pass on to help my wife?
I explained to her that there’s a reason why there are so many articles on sparking monogamous relationships. Obviously, after awhile the same routine can get boring and it’s fun to stir up scenarios in the brain that people would never even consider doing in real life. At least for me.
One of the things I’m curious about and would like to hear from people who’ve experienced this is, are there couples who role play hot sexy scenarios that you’d never actually act out in real life? For the guys, do you share your ultimate fantasies with your wife? How has that turned out? Have you been able to learn to have fun with those thoughts? Romantically and playfully?
For those that have been able to do that, did it take time for your wife not to feel guilty or ashamed? Or through that process did you discover things that she liked and enjoyed and didn’t feel ashamed of? If so, can you explain what some of those things she likes are? I’m asking because I really pray and care about my wife’s sexuality and our intimate relationship. I’d really like her to discover her desire. I realize God is in control and ultimately it comes down to prayer and His will is His will.
This may be an avenue He is using to help my wife and that’s possibly why I’m feeling led to post this.
I was talking with my wife the other day and realized I started having desires and fantasies in the 7th grade- yikes! So by the time we married I knew all kinds of things I liked, of course, some of those ideas came from bad sources.
My wife didn’t even know men had a need as often as they do. She wasn’t a sexual person at all when we married. I’m sure her parents did exactly what I’d do if I had a daughter. “Sex is bad. Stay away from boys. All they want is that.” And focus on stating pure, which of course is great and pleasing to the Lord. However, there was never any reading or studying of sexuality, sensuality, fantasizing and becoming sexually aroused. It seems to me that the statement “that’s all boys think about” since it’s coming from a negative standpoint instantly puts in women’s minds that thinking about sex is bad. So they avoid fantasizing.
I’m not sure if that and the pain early on during sex for my wife, my being so young and dumb, not being patient and slowly guiding my wife when we were first married, have all added up and put a mental block between her brain and her clitoris.
So for the women who’ve maybe come from the same place or have gone through something similar, please take a second to share any thoughts, ideas, experiences or discoveries with my wife that helped you find your sexual desire and may help her.