My wife does not orgasm

It’s really hard to give my wife an orgasm. I feel like a failure as a husband. I try to get her off before me but she never gets there. She’s still trying to get comfortable with her body. When we do have sex I always ask her did she come and she says no. Sometimes she refuses to try and orgasm because she doesn’t want me to focus on it. It hurts me to know I can’t bring my wife pleasure like she brings me. Even when I try to rub her clit she doesn’t seem to reach that point. Any suggestions or advice? How long does it take you to reach orgasm? Guys, do you feel like a failure when your wife doesn’t come? How do you get rid of these feelings? Any positions we could do?

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2.78 avg. rating (57% score) - 9 votes
12 replies
  1. PatientPassion
    PatientPassion says:

    A simple possibility is that it just takes her longer to orgasm. There are exceptions, but women generally take longer to orgasm than men, so she might need some slow, extended foreplay to get her thoroughly aroused to the point where intercourse and clitoral stimulation can bring her to climax. It's a pretty basic approach, but it's worth a try.

    There are a whole lot of things that could be contributing to her inability to orgasm, and I'm not an expert on any of them. I'll contribute my two cents though and suggest you look into some Tantric sex practices. Before I'm denounced as a heretic and a kook, I'll readily acknowledge that there's a lot of mysticism and secular spirituality surrounding Tantric sex, not all of which is directly compatible with a Christian worldview. However, Tantric sex itself is NOT a religion, but merely a different way of making love that has been steeped in ancient religions. Some teachers have "modernized" this way of lovemaking with some pretty good results. Psalm Isadora is a good name to look up if you're interested. She teaches from a secular worldview, but it sounds like she has had good success in using Tantric techniques to help many women overcome sexual blockages that sound very similar to the trouble your wife is having. She also has practices for men to improve their sexual abilities. (I'm actually taking her Tantra Touch course right now, but I haven't been consistent enough with the learning and practicing to see any results. It seems like a well-built course though! It's not just a "take these magic pills" gimmick.)

    Prayer for guidance is always good too! Ask God how to address the problem and how to best honor his plan for you in this time of difficulty. It's also an option to have a doctor check things over and make sure there aren't any underlying medical issues causing this sexual blockage.

    Hoping and praying this gets resolved and that you two can have an intimate and pleasure-filled sex life together!

  2. HV450
    HV450 says:

    It may be that she just finds it difficult to reach a vaginal orgasm. How long have you been married?
    We found that even if my wife was able to reach a vaginal orgasm it isn't usually as good for her.
    Rubbing her clitoris is better, but manipulate her tits at the same time.
    The best for us is for me to lick her clit and fondle her tits, or do one tittie at a time and insert a couple of fingers into her vagina and massage her g-spot.

  3. John
    John says:

    For some reason after our first child it used to take us a long time to get there for her. And we were advised: forget the orgasm, just focus on giving her as much pleasure as you can for an hour or more . . . just her pleasure. If that's from massaging her feet or oiling her back or licking her clitoris – whatever she feels like. Every time we made love we made time for that first hour to focus only on her pleasure, but not on orgasm. I had to convince her too that I enjoyed doing it, that I enjoyed her body. And she gradually "learnt" to orgasm again . . . usually multiples after a while. I pray this helps.

  4. Harper Shelby Thornton
    Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    That depends on how aroused she is, and when she does come you really ought to be able to tell. Are her orgams obvious, or more subtle? For me, the more I'm aroused the quicker I orgasm. You should not feel like a failure, and maybe your wife feels "bad" for you if you can't make her come so maybe that adds on to the pressure, so just relax, and you may be surprised. God bless

  5. JJ
    JJ says:

    Get a copy of Ian Kerner’s book “She Comes First” and apply the advice in it.
    Focus on her pleasure and not the orgasm. Let her relax and not feel pressured to meet your need to have her orgasm. Take your time, don’t rush it.
    Be patient and understanding, you are both learning each other’s bodies, it will take time and effort from both of you to have an exciting and satisfying sexual life together.

  6. CrazyHappyLoved
    CrazyHappyLoved says:

    For years I was right where your wife is. I could never cum during foreplay or intercourse and my husband's focus on it, while endearing, made it worse. I felt so much pressure to "succeed" that I couldn't relax enough to.

    Strangely, I could orgasm alone, but it usually involved fantasies that I wasn't comfortable sharing with my husband yet (and that I wouldn't want him to think I actually wanted to happen!) Or else I had to use a form of stimulation that others might find overwhelming. While drawing my bath, I could slide my body down and position my clit under the running water and the pounding sensation could bring me there in minutes!

    Now, I don't recommend this method, because of two things: 1. the clorinated water (which, I will admit, I sometimes diverted with a shift of my hips to pound inside my pussy) I suspect of being responsible for many yeast infections because of the frequency of my use of it and 2. related to that frequency, it can be rather habit forming and perhaps even become a dependency. But to try it once or twice in privacy as she's getting to know her own body and its responses to stimuli may be helpful. A jet in a jacuzi or pool can be used the same way, if one can maneuver right. Or perhaps consider a vibrator and let her experiment in private before sharing with you what she's learned.

    The most important things for my ability to eventually come at my husband's hand was for him to trust that I enjoyed sex with him whether I came or not and for me to trust him not to judge me or think I am a freak when I shared "fantasy talk" with him. When he could then do the talking while fingering me and rubbing my clit (taking breaks from talking to lick and suck, of course), orgasms came much more regularly if not exactly quickly.

    We also learned later in life that deep french kissing, with alternating turns at sucking each others tounges, had a deeply arousing effect on me. My clit is somehow tied to my mouth and it aches when I'm giving he's giving my tounge a "blow job".

    And btw, I didn't have my first vaginal orgasm until this past anniversary, after 26 years of marriage! And I'm now a squirter! Who knew our bodies could change so much and respond so differently as we mature?

    So keep faith. God's designed our bodies in amazing and miraculous ways. Prayers for you and your lovely wife. Please don't blame yourself or your wife for a lack of orgasm. The negative emotions can hinder the growth of trust and comfort critical to her ability to get there one day. Just let her know that you only care because you love her and want her to experience all the pleasure she can.
    -CHL

  7. ArtRutherford
    ArtRutherford says:

    I have felt like a failure to at times. But, wife is happy whether she cums or not. Just go with it.

  8. Old Lover
    Old Lover says:

    Is she comfortable with solo masturbation? Encourage her to explore her own body. Using her fingers, as she would eventually guide you to do so, can help her know what feels good and work for her to reach her orgasm. Then engage in mutual masturbation. Again, hopefully you both are comfortable with masturbating together. Mastubating together will increase her and your comfort with being vulnerable and it should help your wife concentrate on her pleasure. Let her control her masturbation at first. Then progress to you engaging with her as she masturbates. My Anne is incredibly skilled at ramping up her arousal and readiness through her own clit stimulation and I follow her lead. Of course, she has had six(6) decades of experience! She is definitely a clit girl, although my attention to her breasts and nipples, g-spot, and anal play all contribute to reaching her orgasm. She always is skillfully working her clit over when she reaches her orgasm. Remember – practice makes perfect, and relax and enjoy it!

  9. Old Lover
    Old Lover says:

    P.S. HoneyNugget, we are in our late-60s and occasionally one or the other or both of us can’t cum when we make love. We just encourage each other, laugh about it, and enjoy the intimacy of being one in body and soul. Sometimes, an extended, tender time of spooning skin-to-skin with me cupping Anne’s breast is the best sex!

  10. Mrs. Rose
    Mrs. Rose says:

    When my husband eats me out, it drives me absolutely crazy. Also, when he starts getting touchy in public, but he’s careful enough that no one knows where his hands are…oh my goodness it’s amazing. His fingers are also wonderful, especially if fr takes his time and works up to it.

    Whatever approach you take, TAKE YOUR TIME. Be extremely slow and thorough with everything.

    More than that though, tell her she is sexy, send her pictures, ask for pictures, buy her lingerie, make her food, plan an awesome date, literally anything that shows you love her (as a person, or her body) Sex for us starts way before the clothes come off.

  11. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    CrazyHappyLoved – I think many are encouraged by the progress you've had – reflected in your comments.

    I think it also reflects well on your husband's love and patience – and yours too.

    I hope you might write further on this. Perhaps telling of the ups and downs of the journey – as well as how keeping your eyes on the Lord also sustained you.

    It is both exciting because of where you have come – as well as seeing God's plan in not necessarily rushing you to where you are now.

    I think that perspective can help us all be patient – while still wanting more – and waiting for it without being totally passive.

    I think your story of how God connected those dots in your sexual journey would be interesting to read.

    God bless you both. LH

  12. Afscno
    Afscno says:

    Several have made good suggestions. Patience is the important thing, for both of you.

    We like to start with deep French kissing, followed by extended nipple sucking and fondling. Then I start gently rubbing her clit between thumb and forefinger while I’m sucking her tits. We sometimes just continue like this till her orgasm, but more often we slip into a 69, because she wants to taste me too.

    Get a rhythm going sucking her clit while rolling her nipples and then suddenly stop for a few seconds. This builds anticipation. Only do this near the beginning or you could cause her frustration. As she nears orgasm, maintain a steady rhythm.

    My guess is your wife isn’t sure you like her taste and she feels guilty about how hard you’re having to work for her orgasm.

    So as you begin tell her you love her taste and beg her to let you suck her all day. This lets her know you’re in it for the long haul, that you won’t ever get tired of sucking her. Gently ravage her whole pussy with your mouth, licking and tonguing it all over. Then start concentrating on sucking her clit. Then be genuinely disappointed when she cums all over your face and is too sensitive to continue oral play.

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