5 Habits for Preventing an Affair
Recently with the Ashley Madison hack, my husband and I got into a discussion about affair-proofing our own marriage.
Why would we do that when we have a strong marriage? Because we want to keep it that way.
Many of us (myself included) went into marriage thinking, “Well, that won’t happen to us cause we love each other and I’m not that kind of person and he/she isn’t that kind of person.”
That’s wonderful! That’s how you should go into marriage. With that mindset and trust. But let’s be honest with ourselves, affairs happen every day to couples who started out with that kind of mindset. No one goes into marriage (at least I sure hope not!) thinking while saying vows at the altar, I’m going to cheat on this person.
Here are some of the the things my husband and I have set up in our lives to prevent affairs in our life. This list is a good read for singles, in a relationship, or engaged couples on the site too, because it’s always best to start with the right mindset.
1. Avoid spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex
Some may feel like this shouldn’t be a rule and that it’s a silly, even impossible requirement, but just hear me out.
Yes, life and work can lead us into situations where we may need to spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex. But affairs often start when emotional attachments occur. They can’t occur if you’re not spending time with someone you could grow romantically attached to. Which leads me to the second point on my list and one of the ways you can create emotional attachments outside your marriage.
2. Don’t complain about your spouse to a friend or co-worker of the opposite sex
“But she’s being so difficult, I need to know if this is normal for a woman to act like this,” he says as his excuse.
Nope, still so wrong. There are plenty of forums and books out there to help you with understanding someone of the opposite sex better (There’s always talking to your spouse about it too). You shouldn’t be telling your female friend about your wife’s dirty laundry, it’s already creating a breach of trust even if your wife is unaware.
This is true for both husband and wives, even though I gave a husband as an example.
Besides this being a breach of trust, what if your friend or co-worker has a crush on you? They’ll see that as their big opportunity to bond with you emotionally and buy greener grass points. It also lets those people in on the fact that things aren’t all “wedded bliss” with you and your spouse, you’re an easy target.
“I’d never treat my girl like that!” a male co-worker says, while secretly giving her breasts a once over.
Or
“What a bitch, she never lets you have any fun, does she?” she says batting her eyes, and wondering how long it’ll take before he asks her to have a drink with him.
3. Phones locks, email passwords, and computer passwords are mutually known
Yup. No privacy of your interactions with the outside world. When your spouse knows your passwords and phone locks, it makes communicating with someone of the opposite sex something your spouse can observe.
Does this necessarily help me when my husband is truly sneaking around behind my back? Not necessarily, he could probably use a separate chatting system I’m unaware of, but in that case he’d have to make a much more conscious decision to purposefully make sure I’m unaware of his interactions with someone and remember, we’re talking about affair proofing a relatively healthy marriage, not about discovering if he’s having an affair.
Does this also mean we’re obsessively looking at each other’s computers and phones? No, but the awareness is there that my spouse can read my texts or see who has called me and it keeps us in check with each other to not be secretive.
4. Have fulfilling sex frequently
If you’re both bodily able, having sex frequently that both partners enjoy is a great way to keep the flames going and prevent an affair. It bonds you to one another to have enjoyable sex together. It also is important to communicate about what you want from sex, and if something isn’t on the sexual menu, to come to an understanding about it without building resentment toward each other. Maybe if you’re spouse is shy in the bedroom, you have some hurdles to work through, but it’s better to seek counseling together than to start sleeping with someone else.
5. Keep going on dates and building each other up
You’ll have your arguments, you’ll have your challenges, but as long as you strive to build each other up you’ll keep that connection strong. Don’t let the little squabbles draw you apart, argue constructively, without contempt. Continue to remember what is important and fall in love again and again. Don’t let each other grow distant. Communicate openly and honestly, go on dates where it can be just the two of you out having fun. Get the babysitter to take the kids for the night and schedule a date least once a month if not once a week. Remain good friends and share both your dreams and your complaints with each other. A strong couple is a couple that respects and loves each other mutually, and by keeping that connection you’ll encourage growth and happiness between the two of you.
I encourage other MH couples to comment on their own personal habits and tips on preventing an affair in the comments below.
I think the first rule will greatly eliminate the need for most of the others. Further, this rule applies on line and in person.
Accountability is a big one. Sometimes you can develop feelings for someone other than your spouse without intending to. Don’t let it be your dirty little secret, tell someone. Your spouse preferably, or a godly friend.
That’s a great idea, bed tiger! Having someone to hold you accountable is super important!
I agree on all of them so much (especially the sex one, haha)! But even when my husband and I were going out we never spent time alone with the opposite sex, and especially since we were married, I never did unless it was my husband or a family member. Much love to you, and may God keep you and yours safe, Blondie <3
Love to you too, Harper! Thank you!
Thank you so much for this post, Blondie! I love reading everything you write, but I think your devotional book on the Song of Solomon has really been one of our favorites! I agreed with all five points and we practice all of them but my one question is….Date nights. We rarely go “out” for our date nights. Our boys are quite young and they go to bed around seven thirty so we usually watch a tv show together or play a game that usually ends in sex but I don’t know if there’s something “special” about going out and if we should try to go out more often. I would love any thoughts!
Thank you, CMLove! I think that as long as you’re spending time building that relationship and having fun and positive experiences together, it can count as a date during that time when the kids are small 🙂
Whew! Ha ha Thanks for the reply! That helps me feel better and i do agree, i just wasn’t sure! That helps!
I don’t agree with all of these points, My coworker cheated on his wife and she did all of these things.
Dear Nugget, that your coworker cheated on his wife although she did all of these doesn’t mean that these habits are false or not working. I don’t wanna pass any kind of judgment on your coworker but there are people who have a ‘hell-bent’ heart, regardless of whether they call themselves believers or not. If someone has it in his heart to cheat, lie and betray, then nothing can keep him from cheating, lying and betraying – it’s a heart condition. If he is a believer, the Spirit of God is certainly convicting the man from within but a rebellious heart just ignores and overrides that inner conviction… and sooner or later he will reap the consequences of his willing disobedience to God, and his wrongdoing and betrayal towards his wife. His wife shall be in our prayers, so God will redeem her for the wrongs that were done to her.
It takes the willingness of both marriage partners to keep the marriage healthy in every aspect – and every willingness starts in our hearts. The work and sacrifice every good marriage relationship necessitates is fueled by the hearty willingness of both partners to give themselves to it entirely. Our actions reflect our heart condition. A crooked heart produces crooked actions, for our life flows out of our hearts. That’s why it is so vital to guard it well.
Great points, PFC! It is not each partner giving 50/50 it is each partner giving 100% of their lives, bodies, and hearts to each other and to no one else. Blondie was so right when she said the marriage relationship must be guarded, for it is in danger every day.
This is a post on preventing an affair and even then, I agree with Passionate for Christ, if it’s in your heart to cheat, you will, but we’re talking about a strong relationship and keeping it strong, not about what to do to discover a cheater. I even stated in the article that if your husband or wife wanted to go behind your back, have a secret email address, make a secret relationship, it can still happen, but this is written with the assumption that both partners are following the guidelines.
Nugget. These are all good habits, but ultimately the decision of having an affair rests with the person who is committing adultery. Most of these habits, at least 1, 2, and 3, rest with each spouse to prevent them from straying. Most affairs start with a gradual desertion of the heart. The last two habits obviously require mutual participation and create a constant connection between husband and wife. I seriously doubt that your co-worker was practicing all five of these things, even if his wife was. Indeed, it is impossible to have an affair if you are not spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex. I am very sorry for your co-worker’s wife.
Wholeheartedly agree, Happy Husband.
We usually date every second month or so or whenever time allows with a large family, my personal favourite and most fulfilling way, after great sex, is doing a short bible study together once a week ( or so) ! Coming together around Gods word is just amazing and allows us both to seek Him together and pray into whatever our life issues are at the time .
That’s great!
Good thoughts tw!
I’m in a committed friendship, moving steadily towards something more serious. She knows I’ve got a past issue with porn and she says the only thing that she sees in me that might deter her is me slipping back into that. Even though i’m new on here i think I need to step back from the site regardless. The bible says not to put a stumbling block in front of one another and I don’t want this to be one in our relationship. While i’m not married I think me being on represent s a potential emotional affair. Unless I can convince her this is a constructive site. But I’m not about to bank too hard on that right now. Maybe later on. But this place might not be the best for some. Prayers about this would be much appreciated. Thx
If numbers 4 and 5 are taken care of properly, you won’t need the first three. If a wife goes the extra mile to satisfy her husband, he won’t be interested in cheating anyway.
All of these points are great advice. As a husband I see protecting the relationship as a major priority. It has been difficult at times because I get along better with women than doing the whole macho, check out my ride, guess how much I can bench, loser say what kind of thing. I can't count the number of times I've thought I've found a platonic friend and then would tell my wife, "well, I'm going to have to avoid the girl at work" but it is worth it for Beloved to know there is not a chance of an affair. When I was an assistant manager I was in charge of interviewing potential employees I even went so far as to ask my boss not to hire redheads because they are a particular weakness. Lol. Afair proofing marriage is huge and pays off in the end. (No pun intended)
Very good advice. Thank you. Although I am happily married things can happen when you are not looking for it. Like the girl who exposed herself when there was only me in the public shower with her. There was also this girl on the bus who seemed to making a play for me. Only last week at the pool this girl was bending over where her short dressing gown went up and exposed her bum. I don't know if this was just inadvertant or not but things like the aforementioned can play on one's mind so yes we need to keep the little foxes at bay.